Help wit jokes, PLZ!!!!!!!!!!!?

Question

U see, During Gym Class, Mi friend and I exchange jokes. I REALLY need some. All the jokes I find on Yahoo! Answers are not funny enough 4 her.

Also, I belive in "quantity is better then quality". The more GOOD jokes u put down, the better chance u have of winning.

Peace out,
Mimi C ^^y

Answer 1

Do they have to be G rated?


Can they be blonde jokes?

Answer 2

This guy is walking down the beach and finds a bottle. When he picks up the bottle a genie pops out.

"i will grant you three wishes" the genie says.

The man thinks a second and say "ok i want to be smart" the genie snaps his fingers.

"hey" the guy says "I really feel a little smarter but not smart enough for my second wish i wish again to be smarter"

the genie snaps his fingers and says "that is the smartest i should make you"

the man looks at him and says "but its not i want to be the smartest person in the world"

"no you don't" argued the genie. after 10 minutes of that the genie gives in. he snaps his fingers and POOF. the man turns into woman.

Answer 3

A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door shut.
The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she has a vagina and see what happens. The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady do you have a vagina?" to which she says, "Yes, I do."
The man then tells her, "Well then tell your husband to make use of it and stay away from my wife."

Answer 4

Hey,
Go to www.jokes2000.com
They have some good ones on there!!!!

Answer 5

A Chinese man just came to America and learned to say, "Me, me, me!" at a singing class.
Then he learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" at a restaurant.
He then learned to say, "Plug it in, plug it in!" at his apartment while he was plugging in the cord.
The Chinese man is walking down the street and sees a dead man lying down.
"Who killed this man?" asked the police officer.
"Me, me, me!" the man said.
"With what!?"
"Forks and knives, forks and knives!"
He is now sitting in the electric chair for his punishment.
"Ready yet?!"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"

Answer 6

your mommas so black she got pulled over for tinted windows

Answer 7

was funny

Answer 8

hmmmmmmmmmmm

Answer 9

The Wise Rabbi?

The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.

"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we ..."

"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."

Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."

The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door.

Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?"

The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old."

"That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me - Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you."

The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again."

"Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap."

"Okay." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."

Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready."

And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"

"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars."

Talking Parrot?
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot."Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Little Girl Prepares to Bury Pet

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your frecking cat."

50/50...enjoy.?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,

"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

He has the best jokes and riddles, especially because they have secret meanings in them, well, one's that only i can work out...


One day there was a little Rabbit, he was running through the forest really, really fast when suddenly he came across a Giraffe about to smoke a joint. The Rabbit turns to the Giraffe and says "Giraffe, why do you do this to your body, dont you know that it is bad for you, come, run with me through the forest and i will show you how much better life can be?" the Giraffe stops what he is doing, he looked at the joint, then looked at the Rabbit, he put the joint down and off through the forrest they went.

As they were enjoying their run throught the forest the Rabbit and the Girrafe come across an Elephant about to do a line of coke, they stop straight away and they Rabbit just had to ask "Elephant, why do you do this to your body, dont you know that it is bad for you, come, run with me through the forest and i will show you how much better life can be?" so the Elephant looked at hiz razor and mirror, looks at the Rabbit, puts down the drugs and off he goes into the forrest with the Rabbit and the Giraffe.

Suddenly the come across a Loin about to shoot up, the Rabbit was in shock, he turned to the lion and said "Lion, why do you do this to your body, dont you know that it is bad for you, come, run with us through the forest and we will show you how much better life can be?" the Lion stops and gives the Rabbit such a blank look, when all of a sudden, the Lion jumps onto the Rabbit and starts to maul him to death. The Giraffe and Elephant are totally shocked by what they are seeing, the ask the Loin "Why would you do that, don't you see that he was only trying to help you, to show you a better side to life?"

The Lion turns to them and says "For christ sake, don't F*cking make me feel like the bad one here, everytime that little F*cker is on pills, he wants me to run through the F*cking forrest looking like a F*cking retard, well i've had enough...!

To The Rescue !!!?

A father walks into a book store with his young son.

The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts

choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes

the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts jj

panicking, shouting for help.



A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,

in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar

reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At

the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her

coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places

it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her

way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the

boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold

of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and

twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After

a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs

up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her

free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman

hands the coin to the father and walks back to her

seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.



As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill

effects, the father rushes over to the woman and

starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody

do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are

you a doctor?"



"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.