How do you explain war and death to a five year old?

Question

Yesterday was a really rough day for us. We've just found out my husband will be serving a second deployment to Iraq. Not only that but my cousin (who lives with us and has been for the past two years) has now convinced his class that he gets multiple birthday parties and has invited them over. He was born on 9/9/01--two days before 9/11. This year we had a birthday party for him and then we had a party to honor those lives lost and those serving for the events that happened on September 11th. He now believes that they were both for him. I explained to him that on 9/11 people died for a very sad reason. I've explained to him that Tio (my husband) has to go to war during his last deployment. He is five years old and now asking a lot of questions. I don't know how to deal with it! I don't know how to explain. How do you explain war and death to a five year old? How can we do this without scaring him? Any advice is appreciated!

It's at our home. He knows what happened on 9/11 and knew the party was not for him. The military family is just that a family--kids play with kids, adults talk with adults, why have a party of rememberance and not include a child?

Answer 1

Wow Lindsey! I can’t imagine what you are going through. I’m so sorry!

I have had to speak to my students about death several times but when it came to war it was very difficult for me. September 11 was one of the hardest days in my teaching career. While many of my students did not know what had happened, several of them saw it on television and word got around quick. I explained to them that it is very sad, but some people decided that they have different ideas on how Americans should behave and made the choice to hurt us.

Whatever you say, don’t give too much information and be honest. Children at this age are usually satisfied with a simple answer. You can tell him that the president feels that we need to have a war to keep us safe and that his Tio is going so that he can help. Do your best not to show any anxiety or he will pick up on it. If he is feeling nervous, scared, or anxious, empathize with him.

Help you cousin to keep in contact with his Tio as much as possible. They can write letters, send email, and speak on the phone whenever possible. If you can, have your husband read several stories and put them on tape before he leaves. He will enjoy listening to them (and so will you)!

There are several good children's books that talk about death. Lifetimes-Bryan Mellonie, I Miss You-Pat Thomas, I’ll Always Love You-Hans Wihelm are some good ones. They are great books that help young children understand about loss.

I hope this helps! Best wishes to you and your family!

Answer 2

Is he in school? Find out what the teacher has said. Also, find out what his friends are saying. Chances are they all have misconceptions. Each child has probably been told something. And being five, they repeat what they've been told by the way THEY understand it. It's kind of like when a child starts asking about sex. They don't really understand it. They just hear comments and want to know what the comments mean. Your cousin is confused about two parties. Explain to him about holidays. September 11th is Patriot's Day. It's a holiday, like Christmas or Halloween, that EVERYBODY celebrates and shares. A birthday is his OWN day... it celebrates HIS birth. The two celebrations just happen to be close together. Whenever he asks questions, be as factual as you can. If he catches you off guard with something, be truthful; tell him you don't really know (if you don't), but maybe you could find out together. Have some pictures and books handy that you would be comfortable showing him. Believe me, he has seen it all on TV. He just didn't take it in, because it didn't have anything to do with him. At five, children are very ego-centric. If it doesn't affect them, they don't pay attention to it. This affected him because of the parties. Try not to tie the deaths of September 11th with your your hunband's deployment. You don't want him to think his uncle is going to die. Sorry I've gone on so. I've never thought about it from the eyes of a child. Good luck - you'll do fine. And God bless your family. Thank you for your husband's sacrifice. Thanks for my freedom.

Answer 3

I think that having a memorial party is a great way to remember the people that died on that day. Why on earth would you have some sad, somber, funeral type rememberance for them? That is what one answer kind of suggested. I am sure that the widows, parents and children of the victims of 9/11 would be thrilled that their loved ones are being remembered in such a way. You are not suppose to celebrate those peoples deaths, but their lives and what they meant to us.

As far as explaining, kids understand alot more than we give them credit. I think that you should just explain to him about what happened on 9/11 in a way that a child could understand. Explain that some really mean, bad people crashed some airplanes and that alot of really nice people were hurt and many died. Explain that your husband is one of the soldiers that are going after these bad men and trying to make sure that they don't do that again.

Answer 4

Wow Lindsey, this is a really tough position for you to be in. I remeber having to explain death to my daughter not too long ago. She is four and when her step-grampy died, it was very hard for her.
BUT, you have to explain DEATH and WAR....which is very hard to "sugar coat."
I would first just try to explain the reasons for all the fighting. That your husband is fighting to keep people safe from those who wish to hurt people. And sometimes when your husband and the other men & women go to fight these other people, that there is a chance that they can be badly hurt. And sometimes, they get hurt so badly, that they don't come back.
Are you religious? If you are, when it comes to explaining death, it can be helpful. When my step dad died, I told my daughter that he went to stay with Jesus in Heaven.
I'm sorry. I know I don't have a really good helpful answer for you. But I want to offer you my sympathy....I'm sorry you have to go through this.....

Answer 5

It's going to be hard not to scare him because war is a scary thing. Just explain to him that his dad (I'm not sure what he calls him, sorry) is fighting to keep everyone in America safe. Explain to him that sometimes while the soldiers are fighting, they get hurt. Sometimes they get hurt really bad and they sometimes die because there aren't alot of doctors or places to help them when they get hurt at war.

It's a hard thing to explain to a 5 yr. old. We've recently had to discuss this with my 4 yr. old niece because her mom recently passed from breast cancer. Good luck and I hope he stays safe over there!

Answer 6

Well i can say i know how you feel. my brother-in-law is getting ready to go back to iraq for the fourth time and I have five children that always ask where there uncle is and why well we just tell them he has to go fight some bad people that hurt our home. and of course they ask why so we tell them so we can have all the things we do and be able to keep them because they are jealous of what we have and they want it. and then we give examples like the bully in school and how he is wants their stuff and tries to take it from them.

Answer 7

I think telling a 5 year old specifics on these horrible things is wrong. Tell him your husband is going to help the country be safe. As far as death goes, call it heaven for now. Why would you have a party to honor people who have died in a tragic event and include a child? Maybe an adult memorial would have been better. Kids don't get to live without worry anymore...it's terrible. Children need to feel safe.

Answer 8

Explaining is going to be tough. But don't sugar coat things, kids are resilient and can adapt far better than adults.

Next stop celebrating Sept. 11 and begin remembering that tragic day. It's a terrible thing that happened to our country that day. Don't celebrate it. Celebrate the fourth of July. It's not the end of the world. Be an American, be strong and proud.