i went out for coffee the other day with a friend to Tim Horton's. She and i have gone for coffee here before and we always pay separately, each for our own.
she ordered a sandwich, coffee and then said hey maggie, add yours on there. for whatever reason i said "no you should pay for yours first." she insisted "no put your order on" again I said "no, you should pay for yours."
she fumbles in her wallet for credit card and ATM card, to which the clerk says no we only take cash.
"Well Maggie I guess you'll be paying for it!" and she laughed.
I paid for it but I felt manipulated and used.
If someone doesn't have money and is up front about it, I am ok with it. It was her approach that bothered me. I havent known her long, and I am debating ending this while there isnt much invested. She has shown her colors in other ways, also. Inviting herself over for a specific dinner, and including herself in my plans without asking are 2 examples.
Are my instincts right? Do I walk now not later?
2006-10-28 03:43:17 · 14 answers · asked by maggiemae821 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
If you want to keep her as a friend without allowing yourself to be manipulated, just think ahead before you go out to a diner or such. Take only enough cash to buy your own food and pay for it first; when it is her turn and she pulls the "I guess you'll be paying for it" routine, tell her that you're tapped and she'll have to pay for it herself. If she only has the credit/ATM and they take cash only, she'll be forced to find an ATM or to procure cash, etc. on the spot, and it'll make her look bad. It might embarrass her enough to keep her from doing it again, and it might not. But , in any case, you can then give her the "come prepared" speech like you'd give to a teenager and make her feel even more stupid for leaning on others financially without their prior consent.
As for the "inviting herself over" problem, don't share your plans with her anymore. Or say you're doing something that you know she hates to do or hanging out with someone she doesn't like. Some people won't get the message; some people are INCREDIBLY thick, but if you make them uncomfortable enough times, it is more likely they'll get the message.
Unless she's giving something back in this relationship, I'd recommend walking away. I've known several such people, and they're hard to shake after awhile. The good news though, is that some of them grow out of this behavior if they're nudged a bit or if they are made to understand the consequences.
2006-10-28 04:17:32 · answer #1 · answered by Black Dog 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
The coffee shop ordeal may have been an honest mistake, however, she should have given you your money back the instant she could. As far as inviting herself to your home, sorry, but you need to stand up for yourself and tell her, I did not invite you, I was just discussing my plans with you. She will get the message unless she is brain dead, and if her feelings get hurt. Oh well, she is putting herself in to a situation without being asked. If this is a new relationship, I would probably cut my losses and run, she seems a little bit of a user. Good luck and God bless
2006-10-28 10:49:28 · answer #2 · answered by ? 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
on the other hand she might want to pay for yours too in that coffee incident, its just that the place doesnt accept credit cards, and if this is true she should have looked for the nearest atm in the area or would have paid you immediately and at least asked how much she owes you. If not, then your instincts are correct.
2006-10-28 10:55:30 · answer #3 · answered by Keepingmycool 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If there's something about your friendship w/ this person that you value, then give her a chance to explain herself before you cut & run. Sit her down & ask her why she does certain things. If she laughs it off or just makes excuses, tell her how much you like her & you want the friendship to work, but this has to be resolved FIRST.
If she still doesn't address the issue, you have your answer, unfortunately. I'm sure your time will be better spent w/ better friends. Hang in there! :)
2006-10-28 10:51:35 · answer #4 · answered by Rocker Chick 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would tell her that I will pay for it this one time, but we must go to the nearest ATM machine and use her card to re-pay me. If she doesn't ...then tell her you won't be taking advantage of like that and end the friendship. Also, about the self invites, speak up! If you don't want her to be included in your plans, tell her that your plans are already final, and maybe another time. It sounds like you need to set some ground rules regarding friendship, and if she can't respect them, then its obvious that she isn't friend material.
2006-10-28 11:32:02 · answer #5 · answered by catywhumpass 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would walk, especially if you do not have too much invested in the relationship. If she asks, be polite but explain that her money management issues make you uncomfortable.
2006-10-28 10:48:28 · answer #6 · answered by reesie271 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, she's not a friend. This passive-aggressive stuff drives me nuts in people.
I doubt there's anything as scheming as her "using" you - instead, from all your examples she sounds to me like someone who's needy and lacking in confidence.
But either way, you want to hold her at arm's length (i.e. don't invest much in this relationship).
2006-10-28 10:53:27 · answer #7 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, she sounds like a first-class manipulator and user. I would cut ties with her since your gut is obviously telling you the truth. Trust your intuition on this.
2006-10-28 11:31:35 · answer #8 · answered by LindaLou 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No offence to the person, but the person's being desperate... whatever you do with her (besides still being friends with her) you're gonno get her feelings hurt... but that's what you have to do... either tell her about what kind of a person she is, or just start ignoring her...
2006-10-28 10:48:37 · answer #9 · answered by silvs 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like she could be...if you're already seeing a pattern after barely knowing her, then be careful.
Think of it this way..most honest mistakes don't happen repeatedly..
2006-10-28 10:51:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋