Please help, VERY IMPORTANT!?

Question

I have three of the most wonderful boys in the world. My two older boys are from my previous marriage. There father lives 6 hours away and hardly has anything to do with them. He hasn't ever really been very involved in their lives. The oldest is 12 and the younger one is 6. They were 9 and 3 when we divorced. He calls maybe once every 6 months and it's usually only when he wants something. He was in a relationship with a woman and while they were together he would call wanting to see the boys. I would make arrangements with him and they would see him. He has seen them maybe 3 times in the last 3 years. They split up and while he was single he wanted nothing to do with them. Well, since then he has remarried and I feel that his new wife is telling him he should be seeing them. He called a few nights ago and wanted to know if he could have the boys for Christmas? I am completely torn up about this. My boys have NEVER spent a major holiday away from me! What do I do???

Thank you to every one who has answered and yes, I do have full custody of them. We have visitation set up, but as you can tell he does not follow it. My 6 year old does not even understand the situation. The only reason he knows that he is his dad is because we have told him that. If you ask him who his dad is, he tells you "duh, Josh is" (Josh is my husband now). The last time they stayed with him, the 6 year old got so sick, he wouldn't hardly eat and I am concerned about that happening again.

Answer 1

No thier father doesnt live 6 hours away thier sperm donor does and thier father is the one that they are living with which is your new husband. Any man can donate sperm and the father is the one who raises them and gives them guidance which is your new husband. I would ask your boys if they want to go or not and if they do let them go either before christmas or the day after christmas and maybe ask your new husbands opinion about which day would be better that way he doesnt feel left out and unimportant especially when it does concern the whole household and he is the man of the house and the only real father the boys have because he is the one that is there for them. .Dont send them if they really dont want to go just because thier dad wants them to go. My boys went through the same thing with a once in awhile dad. . Niether will refer to him as thier dad, he is always the other ones dad. Sadly there are some real winners out there or should I say losers.It would be nice to be able to see into the future so as to avoid putting kids through stuff like this. Being young your boys might want to go so they can get more presents which you cant blame them for wanting. But since you and your husband are the ones in charge you two decide what day or days they can go.

Answer 2

Since the father has not been a major part in their lives since the divorce, I would not let them go for the actual holiday this year (because it is an important holiday). However, I would have them go before or after for a few days to get to know their dad. No longer than a few days in case the kids have a bad time. It is going to take some time and effort for the kids to get to know their dad again. It may be too late for the 12 year old to adapt and understand what is going on. He's old enough to know he has a dad and may not understand why the absence then all of a sudden an interest again.

Now, the new wife appears to be the instigator, because without her, he wouldn't be asking for the kids. She probably wants to spoil them and become the new cool "parent" in town... or may just want to get to know them (both of which can be threatening to you as the sole caretaker in these kid's lives). Look at this as a good thing until you have a reason to think otherwise. If anything, this new woman could be the key to bringing the kid's father back into their lives.

Another reason to keep the boys with you on Christmas is that they also have another brother. They should be kept together for the holiday. You have to think about them. If you send the two boys away, your youngest boy will be alone and not have the other brothers around on an important day of sharing and family time.

The father probably doesn't care when the kids come. The new wife should understand the concern. Once the relationship has been reestablished with the father, you may find that next year, the kids go off with him... maybe something like alternating holiday... maybe offer up... depending how the holiday experience goes this time, maybe he will have the kids for Easter.

Answer 3

Wow, you've got a difficult decision here. You could be selfish and tell him, no. He never had anything to do with them before, why take Christmas away from you? But then maybe he's turning over a new leaf. Maybe he'll actually give those boys what they want, a dad. But, I think because of his track record, you need to have a talk with him and tell him that he has to earn Christmas. He can't just have them for Christmas when he's been out of their lives for so long. He needs to spend at least some long weekends with them, like maybe four times a year. Then maybe he can have them next Christmas. Anyway, you're the one that has to make this decison, but that's what I would do. You could offer him Thanksgiving to be really generous. Yes, I think that's what I would do. I'd give him a year to make up for lost time, and then, and only then, would I be willing to sacrifice Christmas with my boys, and it would be for their own sake, not for his.

Answer 4

Hey,
I kinda know what you are going through, because my sister always talk to me about it..She got married to this guy who had a 4 year old at the time and he never really saw her until him and my sister got married!! My sister was telling him that he should see his daughter and try to get her some times...Well when it comes around for Christmas, sometimes she goes over their on Christmas Day and stay a couple days after Christmas and goes back home to her mom...She spends Christmas Eve with her mom, and New Years with her mom!!! You could be like this Christmas he gets the boys, and next Christmas, you get them!!! You also need to have a talk with him and let him know that he should be in his sons' life not only on holidays but any day!!!! With any decisions that you make, Good Luck and Best Wishes!!! Hope everything turns out for you!!!

Answer 5

We have alot in common. I have a 12 almost 13 year old daughter and her father moved 2 weeks before she was born then came back when she was 2. then came about once a year to see her. Which eventually stopped also. and he only lives 20 minutes from here and works 8 minutes from here. I always tried to involve him in her life as I did not want the blame to fall on me as to who's fault it was why he had nothing to do with her. As for you and your situation, do what I did and ask the kids if they want to spend that time with him. They are old enough to decide that now. It will probably hurt like hell if they tell you they want to go but, you may find they would rather stay home with you! Ask them if you could go to your dads for Christmas would you want to go? I hope everything work out for you and if you want to talk some more please feel free to email me or IM me.

Answer 6

Talk to your boys and find out what they would like to do. More than likely, they will want to spend Christmas with you. If they decide they want to spend some time with their father, maybe you could arrange it for a few days before or a few days after Christmas.
Even though their dad hasn't been in their lives much, it's still important for them to maintain a relationship.
Try to calm down and talk with everyone involved, I'm sure something can be arranged.

Answer 7

My Daughter has a smiler problem at the moment and like you she is having a very hard time of it which of cause is affecting the whole family .It is very hard to know what's the best for the children ,if they go to their father will he change his mind after he see them and hurt them again or will he continue to see them regulary? He has a bad track record so I guess there's a big posability that your boys will be hurt again ,Do your boys want to go visit him ?
My daughter has decided to let their father see their two children again, as they ask to see him even when often he makes arrangements to see them he doesn't turn up, she tells him not to come back, the childen miss him and ask for him and it starts all over again. If your boys are not kicking up to much of a fuss about seeing him maybe he could come to vist them after Christmas, Why should you miss out on having your children with you at this special time ?.he doesn't deserve to take them at a time he choses and if he if he really wants to get to know them he can do so after christmas on day visits , living 6 hours away wouldn't stop me from seeing my kids and if he is serious it shouldn't stop him eighter ,it sounds like every now and than he get's an attack of playing family man but for children every now and than just isnt good enough and messes them up even more .
I surpose you have spoken to your boys and are they prepared for the real posability that their father is doing this on a whim and than will send them home to you to pick up the pieces.

Answer 8

I would open my heart and ask the children what they wanted to do with the assurance that if they wanted to come back with you they could. Your ex probably doesn't know how to be a parent with out a mother image there. I would give him and his new wife a chance but the boys decision would be final. It could be a sharing thing also. This will give them the opportunity to feel loved by their dad and boys need that as that is their self image. Children can never have too much love and the mother will never loose them. Put that fear away and know as they grow older and look back they will know how much you loved them allowing them to have an extended family and lots of love. Ya'll could all get closer so the children won't have to fell they have to take sides.

Answer 9

Good that dad remembers that he is a dad, but, what I would do, for the sake of the boys is this: If the boys are interested in seeing their dad, arrange to have them spend time with him during the Christmas season, After December 25. This way you continue your tradition and dad can re-introduce himself to his kids. If the kids want to know their father, let them. You will also not be the bad guy if you agree.

Answer 10

One can have Xmas eve and the other Xmas day. It's important for the boys to feel their father cares about them. Sounds like he has a good second wife. You may be able to work out other visitation with her in the future that does not revolve around holidays. Maybe a few days in the summer when he takes his vacation.