Are you able to beat these; if so give em here.?

Question

These jokes:
Yes, I have always wanted to have someone to love, someone to care and share my life with.
Then, I met you and have changed my mind!!!

Congratulations on your promotion. Befor you leave, would you tale the knife out of my back?

When we were together, you always said that you would die for me. Now that we have broke up, would you please go ahead and do it? Be sure you still have me in your will.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we are having you put to sleep.

Your daughter's a hooker and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, she makes darn good pay.
Can you even match these?

Answer 1

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Answer 2

Well, I have one that someone sent out the other day to a friend via SMS. It's off-topic, but it's funnier than those. It goes something like this:

"Hello! It's me, your phone. I just couldn't take the smell of your *** any longer and I needed a break. Thanks for the air."

It's something like that, anyway. Have a nice day!

Answer 3

- A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.

- Men's English
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
and FINALLY... (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let's go home

-One day, a man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a maid," says the man. The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house." The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"

-One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina! The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my d!ck I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it. So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, Oh doctor, doctor! she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?! he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied: Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!

-Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!

-Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in a divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No i didn't, i said she was f*cking Goofy."