This forum seems very somber, argumentitive, and touchy.
2006-10-27 19:41:21 · 21 answers · asked by Debra M. Wishing Peace To All 7 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Sorry I just wanted to lighten the mood tonight.
2006-10-27 19:52:59 · update #1
Me and my christian friend were sitting, chatting. Opposite was the house of a whore. My friend was telling me about the morality and hypocricy.
He saw a hindu priest meekly entering the whore's house. My friend said," Look these hindus talk of morals but have none...tell me what this Pandit is doing here..shame
After some time, a muslim maulavi entered her house. My friend told-See these muslims talk of good abt Islam and what their heads are doing---real shame
Similarly a Rabbi entered and my friend, rebuked the jews for immorality.
Suddenly i cried- Look a chrisitian priest is also entering her house.
My friend cried-You fool, there may be somebody dying...he must be going for the last sermons.... Immorality has polluted your brain.
(Not to offend any one but just to make you smile with a satire)
2006-10-27 19:53:43 · answer #1 · answered by ۞Aum۞ 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
RamKrishna Pramhansa used to tell a story :- A blind man was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He was served with kheer ( a sweet dish made of milk & rice) and he liked it. The blind man was very poor and tasted the kheer for the first time. He asked his friend how the ‘kheer’ looked like. His friend said it looked white, snow white. The blind man got confused and asked “ what is a white ? I have never seen a white, just because I am blind”. In reply the friend said “ It is the color of a ‘crane’”, adding to the confusion of the blind man. “ what is a crane ?”. the blind man asked in irritation. Instead of making a surrender, the friend tried to make the blind man understand what a crane was. He told him “this is my hand and put your hand on it”. The blind man did so. The friend bent his hand like the neck of a crane. The blind man was happy to get the answer. He said “ now I understand, the kheer looks like a bent something.”
In the custody of words, truth never seems to be strong. In the word ‘sky’, the greatness of the sky is never understood. The greatness of any thing is never kept in the word, because word has its own limitations.
2006-10-27 20:08:21 · answer #2 · answered by ibkhandel 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This born-again guy found himself being taken on a tour of Heaven by Peter.
Peter took him to a room and piinted a two-way mirror to him through which he saw millions of people, some of whom were old friends of his who had passed away.
These here are Christians, Peter informed him, who thought only Christians would go to Heaven, so Jesus and Father and Spirit made them this special place where there is no Fire but, by God, they are in 600 degree celsius weather there and still think they are in Heaven.
Amen!
2006-10-27 20:19:30 · answer #3 · answered by mythkiller-zuba 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
There was once a man who came to church terribly drunk. The pastor noticed this, and politely asked him to leave so as not to be a distraction during the sermon. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and sits down in one of the pews. A little frustrated, the pastor repeats what he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks up to the front of the church and sits down in one of the pews. The pastor is starting to lose his patience, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, and before he can say a word, the pastor explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk….Get out of my church!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the pastor and asks, "Man, how many churches do you pastor?"
2006-10-27 19:48:43 · answer #4 · answered by whitehorse456 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
A local synagogue is taken over by terrorists. They hold the rabbi, the cantor, and the president of the synagogue hostages. The terrorists decides he is going to kill each of them, but first grant them each one request. "What do you want?'" Says the terrorist to the rabbi. The rabbi says, "Well, I always wanted to deliver the best Yom Kippur speech, it's a little long , however...at least three hours." The terrorist thinks this over and decides he'll let him. Next he asks the Cantor,"what do you want?" "I
always wanted to read the Torah from beginning to end to a congregation - it'll take some time, however....probably a few days." The terrorist thinks this over and decides he'll let him. Than the terrorist turns to the President, "well, what's your wish..." The president responds..."Kill me first."
2006-10-27 20:14:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
A small child was sitting in Sunday school class, listening to the story of Lot and his family fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah. When the teacher told of how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, the child enthusiastically volunteered, "My mom looked back while she was driving the car, and she turned into a telephone pole!"
~:<>:~
(This one's only somewhat related to religion, but it's one of my favorites.)
A burglar breaks into what appears to be a deserted house at night. He is just in the process of unplugging the TV set when he hears a voice coming out of the darkness.
"Jesus is watching you!"
Startled, the robber shines his flashlight around the room, looking for the one who has spoken. Seeing nobody, he figures he only imagined it, and goes back to robbing the house. He is just about to steal the stereo system when he hears it again.
"Jesus is watching you!"
Now starting to get really nervous, the robber again looks around the room. Absolutely nobody is there. Still freaked out, the robber is just about to steal a final item when he hears the voice AGAIN, right next to him this time.
"Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, shines his flashlight, and there, a few feet from his head, is a birdcage with an intelligent-looking parrot inside it. "Jesus is watching you!" warns the parrot.
"He is, huh," says the robber. "And who exactly are you?"
"Moses," replies the parrot.
"Moses?!" laughs the crook. "What kind of people name a bird Moses?!"
"The same kind of people that name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
~:<>:~
In a Catholic grade school, one of the lunch ladies had written a note above a pile of apples for the students taking hot lunch. The note read: "Take only one. God is watching you!"
Later in the line, there was also a note above the pile of cookies. In a child's handwritten scrawl, the note proclaimed, "Take all you want-- God's watching the apples!"
~:<>:~
Two pastors decide they're going to spend a relaxing afternoon out golfing. However, both are absolutely TERRIBLE golfers. After one of the pastors misses a very easy putt with a laugh and a joke, the caddy finally asks, "Are you two pastors, by any chance?"
"Why, yes," the first pastor replies. "Why do you ask?"
The caddy chuckles. "Because never in my life have i seen such bad golf with such clean language!"
~:<>:~
Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: To actually change it? Just one. But it takes the rest of the congregation to complain about how they liked the old one better.
(Note: I'm Lutheran (LCMS) myself, so to any other Lutherans out there, this was meant as a very gentle satire of our reluctance to change, not an attack, so don't get offended, for goodness sake. I actually first heard this joke in our pastor's sermon!)
2006-10-27 20:09:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
**** Happens
according to various religions and spiritual philosophies
TAOISM: **** happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "**** happens".
ZEN: (What is the sound of **** happening?)
JESUITISM: If **** happens and when nobody is watching, is it really ****?
ISLAM: **** happens if it is the will of Allah.
COMMUNISM. Equal **** happens to all people.
CATHOLICISM: **** happens because you are bad.
PSYCHOANALYSIS: **** happens because of your toilet training.
SCIENTOLOGY: **** happens if you're on our **** list.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad **** happens, and good **** happens.
UNITARIANISM: Maybe **** happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this **** happen to someone else.
JUDAISM: Why does **** always happen to US?
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
MYSTICISM: What weird ****!
AGNOSTICISM: What is this ****?
ATHEISM: I don't believe this ****!
NIHILISM: Who needs this ****?
AZTEC: Cut out this ****!
QUAKER: Let's not fight over this ****.
FORTEANISM: No ****??
12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the ****.
VOODOO: Hey, that **** looks just like you!
NEWAGE: Visualize **** not happening.
DEISM: **** just happens.
EXISTENTIALISM: **** doesn't happen; **** is.
SECULAR HUMANISM: **** evolves.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: **** is in your mind.
BUDDHISM: **** happens, but pay no mind.
SHINTOISM: **** is everywhere.
HINDUISM: This **** has happened before.
WICCA: Mix this **** together and make it happen!
HASIDISM: **** never happens the same way twice.
THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the **** that happens.
DIANETICS: Your mother gave you **** before your were born.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No **** on Saturdays.
JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No **** happens until Armageddon.
MOONIES: Only happy **** really happens.
HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
BAHA'I: It's all the same ****.
STOICISM: This **** is good for me.
OBJECTIVISM: Our **** is good for you.
EST: If my **** bothers you, that's your fault.
REAGANISM: Don't move; the **** will trickle down.
FASCISM: **** makes the trains run on time.
CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the **** away.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-****.
DISCORDIANISM: Some funny **** happened to me today.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this ****.
CHARISMATIC: This is not **** and it doesn't smell bad.
MASONIC: **** happens, but we can't discuss it during Lodge.
RED CROSS: **** happens - send money.
2006-10-27 21:46:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A scientist who had done extensive work in the fields of genetics, biology and chemistry was presenting his findings to a panel of his peers. "I have discovered the secrets of the origin of life and It is now possible to leave behind all notions of religion and god." Later that day on his way home the Lord appeared to him, "So I hear you don't need me any more and you can create life as I did in the beginning." "That's right", said the scientist. "Show me", the Lord smiled. The man began to gather together a pile of dirt, the Lord said, "Hold on, Use your own dirt!"
Jokes are hard to write, they don't seem as funny
2006-10-27 19:49:35 · answer #8 · answered by Kyrie Eleison 1 · 5⤊ 1⤋
A cute one that reaches out to all people:
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!"
The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again.
He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle.
With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cuz "God will grant him a miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God.
He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down."
St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."
Moral: God touches us through human works. Fun, eh?
2006-10-27 19:49:24 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
3 sons left abode, went out on their very own and prospered. Getting returned jointly they pronounced presents they have been waiting to grant their elderly mom. the 1st pronounced, "I geared up a huge abode for our mom." the 2d pronounced, "I sent her a Mercedes with a motive force." The 0.33 smiled and pronounced, "Ha, I have been given you the two beat. bear in recommendations how mom enjoyed to study her Bible? and you comprehend that she would be able to't see o.k.. nicely, I sent her a important parrot that recites the finished Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to coach him. mom in simple terms has to call the financial disaster and verse and the parrot will recite it." quickly thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thank you: "Adam," she wrote one son, "the abode you geared up is so large. I stay in in simple terms one room, yet I could sparkling the finished abode." "Jon," she wrote to a various, "i'm too previous to shuttle and stay at abode quite some the time, so I hardly use the Mercedes. And the motive force is so impolite!" "Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her 0.33 son, "you are the only one with the solid experience to renowned what your mom likes. thank you for the poultry. It became quite scrumptious."
2016-10-16 11:57:46 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋