How do you expalin to a tree year old about death?

Question

My husband died a little while ago(her Daddy) I am at a loss of how to explain it to her. She knows her daddy isnt here and he wont be comming back. I dont know how to explain why he isnt comming. She is to young for counceling but maybe some suggestins on how to have her understand that he isnt comming home. Any help would be appreciated.

I meant that she is three years old, spelling was wrong but you get the point=)

Answer 1

Your typo reminded me of the book Freddy the Leaf. Have you read that? That can be a really nice story for little kids about death. Also, "Love you Forever" might be good (my kids called it 'the crying book' because i couldn't read it without sobbing) because a parent dies in there, and it's shown as the cycle of life.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My father died unexpectedly this year. I'm 45. i still find my brain playing tricks on me, realizing i'm believing on some level that i just have to get through this horrible grieving and i will get my daddy back.

My mother lost her dad when she was 16 and she recently told me she pretended for years that her dad was on a secret mission!

I would tell your daughter over and over that daddy didn't want to leave her, that he wanted to stay with her, but that his body _______. You want to fill in that blank with something that doesn't make her think it could happen to her (like talking about 'sleep' or 'got sick') or you.

i defintely would not tell her lies about god taking him. first of all, i just want people to stop passing on the fairy tales about this stuff. second of all, it makes god seem like a pretty scary and stupid guy. no 3 year old, nor kid as she ages, will think much of a god who took her daddy. think about it.

have you read 'the year of magical thinking?' it's not for helping the kids, but the grownups who lose someone can find a lot to identify with in that book.

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/understand.html

Answer 2

Do you go to church? Do you believe that her Daddy is in heaven? My daughter was 41/2, and this does not compare to your situation, but her dog died. She is very sensitive, and to this day she still cries and says she misses her(been 5 months). Going to church has helped in many ways. As a three year-old she will not really understand what is going on, just let her know her daddy is looking down on her, that he loves her, he is with anyone else that might have passed away, and happy. And one day she will see him again, and he will be waiting for that day. Keep your strength up, this will be something you will be going over many times. I hope all works out well!! Also, counseling is great, but a 3 year-old might understand more with a book that you read to her about this type of thing.

Answer 3

"Freddy the Leaf" is a wonderful book for children about the cycle of life. Keep it simple and only discuss the subject when she wants to talk about it. I would use as many examples from nature as you can to demystify the whole notion of death; that we live, we enjoy life and at one time in life we die; we return to the earth. Depending upon your religious background, you may talk about an afterlife if this is your belief. The most important thing she will learn is how you yourself cope and how you accept death. A simple explanation may be Daddy loved you and wanted to be with you. He didnt want to leave you when he died. We won't see Daddy again but we still have the love he left us along with the pictures and the memories. Nobody can ever take those things away.

Answer 4

Actually there are some books about death for preschool aged kids.. Thats what i did with my oldest daughter she is 2 going to be 3 soon.. I told her that daddy wouldn't be coming back.. and she asked why.. and she was sitting on my lap and i read her the book that I found talked about the death of someone special.. and it talked about god.. angels.. and the fact that the person still loves you.. and they are looking down on you..

Answer 5

Death is a hard subject for anychild especially when it is the father or the mother but just let her know that daddy is with god and the angles in heaven and that one day she will see him again in heaven.I'm truley sorry to hear of your loss.I can't imagine how hard that is.I have lost my father 10 years ago,that was hard for me.hang in there hun and thank god for the things that you do have in your life now, like your lil girl.after a while time heals all wounds, the heart just takes a while longer.good luck.

Answer 6

at her age i'd be a little wary about telling her he went to see god, she may grow up to dislike god for taking her daddy. perhaps instead tell her the truth, daddy has died and this means that he can't come back to see her anymore. basic answers are best at this age. if she has questions, she will ask them. keep it simple, don't confuse her with details you think she needs.

Answer 7

First, I am very sorry for your loss.
I found this site that has some good advise that may help you explain to your child about death:
http://www.education.umn.edu/ceed/publications/questionsaboutkids/death.htm

Take care!

Answer 8

How do children grieve?

Like adults, each child’s reaction to death will be unique and may be experienced on many different levels.

Signs or symptoms of grief can include, but are not limited to:

Acting-out behavior
Tiredness, lack of energy
Changes in grades
Sleep disturbance
Increased “accidents”
Headaches, stomach aches or skin rashes
Difficulty with concentrating or focusing
Regressive behavior, such as thumb sucking, bed wetting or clinging.
Unlike adults, children have a difficult time sustaining strong feelings. Therefore, mood swings and outbursts of emotion are common.
Should children attend funerals?

Yes. Attending the funeral allows the child to be a part of the family at a time when they need love and attention the most. If the child is leery of the funeral, perhaps you can arrange a private moment before or after the service for the child to say goodbye. Or ask your funeral director if their facility has a playroom where that child could stay until the service is complete.

The important thing is that the child is with friends and family and not isolated from the situation.

Do children need an advance explanation of what to expect at a funeral?

Learning what to expect at the funeral is very reassuring for children. Be honest and clear when explaining the details.

Remember, children take things very literally so try not to use euphemisms in your explanations. For young children, simple statements are sufficient. For example, explanations like a funeral is a way to say “goodbye” or a casket is a nice box that holds the body, will help them understand.

How can we protect children from the loss?

It is impossible to protect children from the pain of losing someone they loved. Trying to hide the death from them will only delay their inevitable realization that the person is no longer a part of the child’s life. It is better to include children in the mourning experience and teach them a healthy way to deal with their feelings.

Should children see their parents and/or family grieving?

Yes. Children learn how to express their own feelings by example. If a child is able to witness important adults in their life openly grieving, then they too will be able to express their feelings of loss. Sharing how they feel is often an essential part of the healing process.

How can adults help a grieving child?

Adults need to provide a supportive, caring environment in which children are allowed to openly express their feelings. This includes hugging the child, listening to them talk about their feelings, letting them know it’s ok to cry, and that they will not feel such deep sadness forever.

Some children may want to be more creative in how they express their emotions. Writing a letter to the deceased, drawing a picture, or composing a song are all excellent ways to release grief and pain. These projects also can be included in the ceremony, giving the child a meaningful way to say goodbye.

Can loss permanently scar a child?

Often children are more resilient then we think they will be. With support, love and comfort from you and the other important adults in their lives, children adjust and learn to live with loss.

Now that you understand how children grieve, what can you do as a mom, uncle, grandpa or close family friend to help them get through this? The following is a list of do’s and don’ts to help you when talking to children about death compiled by NFDA grief educator and minister Victor M. Parachin.

DO be honest about death. As hard as it may be to break the news to a child, honesty is the best policy. It is far worse for a child to accidentally discover the “secret” and then be told “We thought it was best not to tell you.”

DON’T use euphemisms. Explaining death to a child as “Uncle Johnny went on a long trip” or “Grandma Betty is sleeping” may instill fear in the child of going on a trip or to sleep.

It is better to explain in simple phrases like “dead means a person’s body has stopped working and won’t work any more.”

DO help children express their feelings. Encourage children to cry-out their grief and talk out their thoughts and feelings about death.

DO be a good listener. Like adults, children need to talk about the loss and their feelings connected to it.

DON’T tell a child how to feel. Let a child experience and express grief in their own way.

DO offer continuous love and assurance. Children need to know they are loved to feel secure. By being present and available during the difficult mourning process, parents can help their children bear the pain.

DON’T hide your grief from children. Seeing you grieve will let children know that it is normal and healthy to cry and feel sad after death.

DO invite others to help your children. Often, someone outside the family can provide much needed additional comfort, concern and care.

DON’T assume children will just “get over it.” Whether you are dealing with a young child or adolescent, be proactive and provide all of the comfort and consolation you can.

DO nurture faith but DON’T blame your personal religious god. Often a death will draw religious questions from a child. Explaining to a child that “God needed daddy,” or “It was Allah’s will,” can create future spiritual problems. Instead, remind your child that “Buddha shares our pain and will help us get through the crisis.”

Be there for the child. Listen when they need to talk, and hug them when they need comfort.

Share fond memories about the loved one with the child, and encourage them to share their own memories.

Encourage the child to draw a picture or write a letter to their loved one. These items could be placed in the casket or displayed during the cremation.

Frame a picture of the loved one for the child or give the child another memento to remember their loved one by. (i.e. coins that were in their pocket, a favorite pin, etc.)

Involve the child in the funeral. Let them read a poem or letter they have written, sing or play a song during the service, or even just attend the funeral with family and friends.

Answer 9

Explain your daughter that her father was a saint and GOD has called him to perform his duties and he will not come back.

Answer 10

Tell your child that he has gone to see god. When she understands everything in one age tell her the truth.