How do you explain war and death to a five year old?

Question

Today has been a really rough day for us. We've just found out my husband will be serving a second deployment to Iraq. Not only that but my cousin (who lives with us and has been for the past two years) has now convinced his class that he gets multiple birthday parties and has invited them over. He was born on 9/9/01--two days before 9/11. This year we had a birthday party for him and then we had a party to honor those lives lost and those serving for the events that happened on September 11th. He now believes that they were both for him. I explained to him that on 9/11 people died for a very sad reason. I've explained to him that Tio (my husband) has to go to war during his last deployment. He is five years old and now asking a lot of questions. I don't know how to deal with it! I don't know how to explain. How do you explain war and death to a five year old? How can we do this without scaring him? Any advice is appreciated!

It's not about me. It's about my cousin. I can handle this but I worry he won't be able to.

It's my husband's work friends. They all get together drink, laugh, and talk about the war. It's a party to celebrate because they all have said no matter who doesn't come home next--they still want to know they didn't do it in vain and that people didn't mourn or act sad. We are just the kinds of people to celebrate life and not mourn death--when someone dies that we know. It really is a military thing.

Answer 1

Lindsey, I'm so sorry about this news. :(

I remember I talked to a soldier a couple years back when my mom was upset that our youngest son knew about the war. And the man said, if your kid don't know anyone over there, war sounds like an adventure to a little boy and no harm done.

But your cousin will know someone over there. What questions is he asking? I would stress your husband's training and the committment of his team to keeping each other safe. I wouldn't tell lies like that we're doing this war for any good reason.

As with any question little kids ask, go slow with your answer. They often are not asking as much as we think they are. Give a little info, ask if thats what he meant, or that's what he was wondering.

Such bad news, it breaks my heart for you all. All my best wishes to you and yours.

Answer 2

Is he in school? Find out what the teacher has said. Also, find out what his friends are saying. Chances are they all have misconceptions. Each child has probably been told something. And being five, they repeat what they've been told by the way THEY understand it. It's kind of like when a child starts asking about sex. They don't really understand it. They just hear comments and want to know what the comments mean. Your cousin is confused about two parties. Explain to him about holidays. September 11th is Patriot's Day. It's a holiday, like Christmas or Halloween, that EVERYBODY celebrates and shares. A birthday is his OWN day... it celebrates HIS birth. The two celebrations just happen to be close together. Whenever he asks questions, be as factual as you can. If he catches you off guard with something, be truthful; tell him you don't really know (if you don't), but maybe you could find out together. Have some pictures and books handy that you would be comfortable showing him. Believe me, he has seen it all on TV. He just didn't take it in, because it didn't have anything to do with him. At five, children are very ego-centric. If it doesn't affect them, they don't pay attention to it. This affected him because of the parties. Try not to tie the deaths of September 11th with your your hunband's deployment. You don't want him to think his uncle is going to die. Sorry I've gone on so. I've never thought about it from the eyes of a child. Good luck - you'll do fine. And God bless your family. Thank you for your husband's sacrifice. Thanks for my freedom.

Answer 3

I think you explained 9/11 fine. However, how do you have a party for 9/11, that seems kind of wierd. You can see how a 5 year old would get confused thinking that parties are for fun reasons and not sad ones. Maybe you can reconsider next year having a private dinner for 9-11 and not a party. About explaining, well maybe you can simply tell him the truth and save the gruesome detail. Just explain why wonderful soldiers like your husband are risking their lives to save ours. Tell him how Jesus loved us so much he died for us. I think that when children believe in God and Heaven, death becomes what it is, a transition not an ending. It gives them hope. Even though they don't want to see people they love going away, they can know that they are on the other side and waiting for us. The war and its reasons are too complicated. You can just tell him that bad people have good people under bad laws and we are over there trying to get the good people to make their own country better. Whether or not we agree, a five year old needs to love and honor their country and understand the obedience your husband has to his country and his orders.

Answer 4

kids are a lot tougher than you think and far less squeemish than adults ,they can look at death with fascination and pul frogs apart .
just be truthfull because things will hang in there and lies will confuse or complicate things later on,
there is no need to go in gruesome details ,but tell the truth in a gentle way
always tell kids the truth ,dont worry adults scare much easier

example
i have had to slaughter some animals on a farm once ,and the kids could watch with interest at how a cow was put together and how it died ,the people who were throwing up were the parents ,and not one of the kids

Answer 5

Tell the kid the truth. He will not freak out as you would. They won't be able to comprehend it emotionally as adults. Pets are a great way to teach them how fragile life can be. Of course not if you get a dog that lives for 20 years.

Answer 6

Children may ask questions like, "Why does God allow suffering in the world? Why does he allow evil? Is the devil stronger than God?" Such thoughts may never even occur to some children, but they will cause considerable worry to others.

Make time to talk with your child whenever you sense the slightest insecurity. Maybe his or her class has discussed the war; maybe he or she has seen something on the news; maybe a classmate's relative has been injured or killed in combat. No matter how horrible war seems to you, it will loom even larger in the child's mind. Listen to him or her, answer any questions he or she might have honestly, and provide comfort and reassurance.

In speaking about evil and death with a young child, it is good to remember that despite our understanding, these riddles of human existence remain mysteries that lie in God's hands. Children are quicker than adults to accept this. Their minds are simple and unencumbered by adult ideas, and their questions can usually be answered simply and straightforwardly. The main thing is to assure them that all life comes from God and goes back to God, and that, because of this, they do not need to fear death.

In my experience that is usually enough; to try to explain more or to speculate further may only confuse or worry them. Emphasize God's power over life and death, and point out the many passages in the Bible that tell us how wonderful it will be someday. In the beginning, everything and everyone lived in harmony and peace. That is how God wanted it to be, and that is how it will be again when "he will dry every tear, and death will be no more."

As children grow up, it is vital that they see that the faith of their parents is a real source of strength. Without this, they will not have the assurance they need to cope with the suffering they are bound to face themselves sooner or later. Every decade brings new tragedies--earthquakes and floods, hunger, wars, violence, and crime.

When children ask about suffering, impress on them that, despite sickness and pain, poverty, war, and injustice, God is all-powerful, and that in the end his love will rule. Explain to them that all need and suffering in the world is a deep pain to God, especially the suffering of innocent people. Help them to see that it is not God's fault that people hate each other and start wars--it is people's fault.

It never hurts to tell children, too, that even though we cannot understand suffering and death, we do know they are a part of God's plan. Naturally this should not be done in a way that might frighten them. If you are able to bring the need of the world to your children in a way that helps them to understand the suffering of others, they will feel compassion rather than fear. And when they do express fear or worry, remind them that each of them has a guardian angel who has access to God on their behalf.

Lastly, tell your children that God promised he will never burden us with more than we can bear. No matter how great a child's fears, he or she must be helped to believe that God is always there. If we hold on to that, nothing can shatter our faith.

Answer 7

Tell your child the truth. All I have ever wanted from my parents was for them to tell me the truth. I'm 15 and they still don't and it would be best to tell If he gets scared he will get better with time.

Answer 8

Spare him the politics of war. A useless war because we never did attain our goal. As far as death, find a fly and tell him you want to show him what death means. "See the fly? He's flying around and he is very alive, like you and me." Swat the fly or stomp on the bug and explain, "Now see? The bug is now dead. I killed him. Kapeesh?" LOL! It worked for my daughters.They never asked again. As far as war, leave that out if he doesn't understand. Just refer to your husband's deployment as Daddy going to work. Good luck.

Answer 9

Be honest and also try to not make it sound so bad

Answer 10

doesn't it suck that you have to deal with that at all?