What age should a child begin sleeping alone?

Question

My girlfriend has a 4 year old and it drives her nuts that her kid wont sleep alone...is it too early for this? the kid also bathes, eats and everything else with her...is it too early or too late to change these behaviors?

Answer 1

1 or 2 in my opinion.

Answer 2

Every child is different so it so depends on the needs of this child and if many of them are are being met...Also the mother might want to look at what her needs are...Is there some over-protective instinct coming from her based on her childhood.? Some parents sleep with the children well into school age while others feel that the need for separation and development of autonomy are so critical and it's never too early to start. I guess that is why they make cribs and basinets, no?. But at age 4 it will be a long '2 steps foward 3 steps back' process. If possible get the help of a behaviorist and learn when mom is reinforcing vs distiquishing a behavior...otherwise get some definitive books on chidren and behavioral techniques. Often good friends like yourself will see when the mom is too tired and over-looking a need of the toddler or she may give in when a firmer hand is needed. Don't be afraid to speak up - you are her friend and you come from the heart...Women helping women is what keeps this world going 'round..Good luck and Tell me what comes of this, OK? Bubak_of_three

Answer 3

I feel you. I had the identical problem, I was dating a girl with a 4 year old, the girl was a school teacher and her kid could absolutely not go to sleep unless her mother was right there so even if we put her in her bed she would come right to our bed as soon as she woke up. At this age its a lot more difficult than a lot of these people make it sound. But for you its not just this problem. My g/f at the time had been single for a while and she didnt like to sleep alone. I wasnt there every night and so many times the mom wanted the kid to sleep in bed with her as much as the kid wanted to sleep in bed with her mom. This is a much bigger problem. Eventually we broke up. The girl was a beautiful and very nice girl but our views on parenting were too different and it was a great source of frustration and mixed emotions. It sounds like to me that your girlfriend doesnt think this is as much of a problem as she may say. Definitely 4 years old is at least 3 years longer than what it should be and as said before because kids are so quick to pick up a habit and become comfortable with a routine, this wont be easy to fix at all. There are several questions on this website that ask how to handle getting your older child to sleep on thier own, do things on their own. Look them up, try some, see how willing your girl is to follow through with these things that you agree are good techniques. Good luck bro.

-s

Answer 4

It certainly depends on the child! A four year old sleeping with her parents is not harmful and in much of the rest of the world it's extremely common! Now, if it's a problem for the mother than some changes should be made. She can start putting her daughter on the mattress on her floor and then making small steps from there.

As for bathing and eating with the mother, these are all perfectly normal things! What kind of society do we live in where people think it's a problem for a child to eat with his mother? Good grief!

Children gain their independence in their own time. They shouldn't be forced into independence as doing so can cause larger problems. It's not abnormal for a 4 year old to still be nursing so I don't see what's so abnormal for a child to still be sleeping, eating or bathing with the mother.

I'm sad for our society. Truly sad. When this girl goes off to college it's certain that she will be sleeping, eating and bathing alone. What wrong with her being a kid while she can?

Answer 5

There isn't an age a child should begin sleeping alone. It depends only on the child's and parents' needs for a feeling of closeness and security. Is it too late to get her to *not* want to? Well, yeah. The need has already been filled, she knows what it feels like to have it filled. You're not going to be able to make her into someone who doesn't appreciate it. The mom might though be able to gently transition her into a different arrangement. Maybe start by doing a different bedtime routine, and having her fall asleep on a mattress next to her mother's. The mom can sleep next to her then, or go to another bedroom (assuming she has two, if she is wanting her to sleep alone) to, uh, have private time if you know what I mean.

I think it's great that your gf has honored her child's needs this far. Lucky kid. I feel very sorry for all the kids that are shut up by themselves at night when that's not what they want. Very sad.

FWIW, I have four children and my nine-year-old has just started feeling the need for privacy, so he's been given his own room. He still keeps the bedroom door open so we can call out our goodnights and I-love-yous. The other three still sleep with me, and you know what? It feels good to be surrounded by those you love when you sleep, and we never have bedtime battles because the kids' needs are met. It can be a sweet, mellow life if you just go with the flow and respect everyone's feelings.

Answer 6

My child (4) has always slept alone, and I have only bathed with him a handful of times...it's never too early forthings like that, it just depends on what the family thinks. One word of advice tho..the longer/older they get, the harder it is to change things like that. It took my friend almost 6 months to get her 4 yr oldto sleep in her own bed after cosleeping since shewas born. It's really a personal preference

Answer 7

In my opinion she should be sleeping alone a long time ago, but many families are now co-sleeping with their children. If the sleeping situation is not working she has to make changes now. she should get the child her on bed ,let the child pick if possible as well as bedding ,so that it is special to the child. She will be more likely to sleep in the bed if she picked it her self. If she has her own room try having her sleep in it. Mom may be surprised. If however she resist slow down have the bed in next to moms and once she is comfortable sleeping in the bed move her further and further away until she is finally in her own room. Keep in mind to praise constantly for sleeping in her own bed. Has far as bathing eventually the child will want her own privacy, sooner than later, believe it or not. and eating together i believe is a positive behavior as long as the child is feeding her self.

Answer 8

First of all- it is never to late to change a child's behavior. It may get worse before it gets better- but stick to your will and praise her for when the job is done. As far as for when it is to early to:

sleep- from day 1 the baby should start to sleep on their own (of course you will fall asleep at first because you are exhausted)

bathes- never leave a child alone in the bath (even when older make sure your ears are completely open and keep on checking in), but there is never a need (although it is sometimes OK until toddlerhood) to take a bath with the child.

eats- i think nobody should ever have to eat alone.

I think it is important to teach the children independence and that quiet and alone time is a good thing.

Answer 9

Wow! Hot topic. There are a LOT of parents out there who let their kids sleep with them, most of them just won't admit it. She needs to slowly start her child on the road to independence, because really that is the job of a parent. I say slowly, because any abrupt changes and her child will cling to her more. She should read some of Dr. Sears stuff about "attachment parenting". He is a supporter of letting your child sleep with you, however he also says, if you start resenting you child because of it - make some changes. Just do what feels right and don't worry about what everyone else thinks. Because in the long run, what's the big deal?? One day you'll be telling these stories at her wedding . . .

Answer 10

Actually this girl should have been sleeping alone from the beginning. It is more healthy for both the parents and for the child to have their own sleeping quarters. When a child is in the room with the parents it is likely that the childs sleep patterns will be greatly influenced by the parents and vice versa. Also the child gains a sense of independence from that as well! Good Luck!

Answer 11

i am going through this now i had to put a secretary light in there so he will sleep by himself. Yes it will take some time for him to sleep in there by himself she does needs to make a routine like bath read to him and then talk to him for about 4 or 5 minutes turn on his night light and then tell him i am in such in such ill be right here you do not have to worry. He may run in and out alot but you just need to take him back in there and tell him your ok just go to sleep. I myself put a tv in there and his night light so he can watch his cartoons that helps him sleep also. If you do not want the tv and just the night light you might have to do it gradually have her stay in there on his bed until he falls asleep do that for about a couple of weeks and the move to the floor then to the door then to the hallway then totally out of the eyesight. Then he still may come back out but like i said you need to be persistant and constant.
GOOD LUCK