What can I do to or say to make my daughter-in-law accept me and consider me as her "other" mother?

Question

My son & I have always had a good relationship since I raised him alone since age 4. I am very fond of his wife--she is a good wife & mother. They live over 400 miles from me. I talk to my son twice a month on the phone, & go to visit them 3 times a year--I never stay more than a few days. But when I am there, I never feel like she really wants me there. She tries to be cordial, but I am a fairly discerning person, & I can tell it is superficial. She pretty much keeps to herself--going off into another room most of the time. I compliment her on her cooking, her decorating, and her talents as a good mother and wife. I pitch in to help. I always remember her at Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. I know she speaks with her family everyday (also long distance) & enjoys being with them. What am I doing wrong? My son & grandchildren seem to enjoy my visit, and he is always supportive of her & her plans. Any suggestions to make her feel at ease and accept me as family?

Answer 1

You can't MAKE anyone do anything. It sounds like you are a really great lady, but unfortunately she doesn't share that opinion.

All you can do is keep on loving her and showing her that you are not there to take over her family, rather support them and love them. Maybe since you and your son are so close she thinks you want to control her world.

It took me a few years to warm up to my MIL.

Answer 2

You sound like you have been trying hard to be acceptable as a gracious MIL, maybe it's her feeling like you want too much of her, some people do not want another Mother figure in their life and could feel like they are betraying their own Mother by doing so. I would just be yourself, and I would always ask first if it would be an inconvience before you visit, ask your son what you could do with his wife that would be special, like take her somewhere that he knows she would love to go to, tell him why, maybe he has some input. How about treating the both of them to a special night, or maybe an overnight gift package from you, and you visit with the children for them, they would probably appreciate the thoughtfullness of a get away and gives you some time to be with your grandchildren to do something with them. Just continue to be the nice MIL that you are, some people just take a lot of time to be comfortable around family, but don't beat yourself up about it, they are lucky to have you care so much about them. Good luck to you and yours.

Answer 3

This is a situation we women seem to get into from the time we're very young...how can I make this person like me? I understand how you feel but I know you're way ahead of me here...you can't make anyone like you, and if a manipulation did work for a while, it would eventually be found out. But acknowledge that you are good inside to want to be friends with her, you have good motives here. Notice that she can probably tell you're trying real hard to befriend her and that actually puts a lot of pressure on her to respond and that pressure makes her uncomfortable. You can now give yourself permission to be yourself around her and don't worry about befriending her. Just don't turn it on it's head and try being nasty to her or you'll likely create a BIG problem. Just be yourself. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Wow! I don't think she knows how lucky she is to have a mother in law like you. I am 33 with two girls and in my second marriage, My first mother in law was very judgemental and critised me more than complimenting me. How long have your son and daughter in law been together? You should not have to do anything more than what you already do. You sound like a sincere person who honestly cares about your sons familys well-being. Evidentally, just being honest, she has issues -not you! Continue being supportive and soing what you are doing. Has she been married beofre, maybe had a bad experience in another marriage with mother in law? If not, dont worry -you just be involved and love your grand children. Being a single mom is rough, Iam there with two small children~ I applaud you!

Answer 5

You sound like a fantastic mother-in-law; second only to my own!

Is it possible that your daughter-in-law is simply an aloof person that doesn't warm to people outside of her immediate family? Is it possible that the distance between you has more to do with location, living 400 miles apart, than it has to do with you as a person? Have you tried to tell her how you feel and that you'd like to have a closer relationship with her?

Answer 6

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish that more mothers were like you...It always seems that the mothers of sons are in competition with the wife...I don't know why....Maybe she is just comfortable with her own family. But I must say that I commend you on you efforts. Most MIL's bash their son's wife.

Why don't you try talking to her...befriending her...I know that the only reason that I am not as close to my MIL is because I was toooo close to my ex fiances mom and we were great friends, and I don't want to lose that again so I kind of distance myself.

Answer 7

I feel that you've gone above and beyond what you need to do, she has issues. I am in a similar situation, I think its much harder for the husband's mother. I know women are usually closer to their mothers and that is great but she shouldn't close you out of their lives like she sounds like she's doing. I really feel for you. Good luck.

Answer 8

You can't change her. it sound like your on the right track. You don't visit to much, pitch in to help when visiting, remember birthdays, anniversaries, etc. For no appearance reasons sometimes our daughter-in-law just feel threaten by us and what to keep there distance and that what I would let her have.

Answer 9

You can't force anyone to like you or to accept you,you just have to go on with life or talk about it and see what the problem is.

Answer 10

Just keep doing what your doing, and try more to include her in your conversations while you visit, and ask to talk to her when you call.