I am engaged to this amazing and wonderful guy, but he has a child from a previous relationship. He is 10yrs and well we have him quiet a bit as the mother is always leaving him with us, but this child is the most bad behaived child that I have ever met. He treats me with no respect at all. When he is around he is always talking back to me and his father. He has wrecked everything that I own. All my furniture, my walls in my house and everything that you can think of. Even though he is 10 I was watching my 2yr nephew and him and they both act the same way. I have tryed to talk to my fiance about his sons behaivour and he agrees with me and has talked to the child but this kid does not listen to anything that anyone says. This sound bad but I can't stand him. And I love kids. I feel sometimes that it would just be better is we did not have anything to do with him. I don not like to get treated like **** in my own home expecially by a child. I don't treat him like that so why does he?
2006-10-27 08:55:47 · 35 answers · asked by rach 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
No it does not. You should nip this in the bud now. He has some hostility towards his father and now you. Probably acerbated by his mother. You need to lay down rules about how he should act and more importantly how he treats adults and other peoples possessions. Perhaps counseling to bring out what it is he is upset about?
2006-10-27 09:00:20 · answer #1 · answered by beeotch 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You aren't a bad person, just stressed over the situation. The kid is probably messed up over the fact his parents aren't together and perhaps his mom doesn't pay much attention to him. Either way, don't put up with his bad behavior. Stand up and take action. That doesn't mean smacking him, just become the authority figure. He makes a mess, make him clean it up - even if that means standing over him and making sure he does it (and maybe even helping a little bit). If he breaks something - explain to him how bad that hurts your feelings. Take his favorite toy and ask him if you can break it and how he would feel. Don't let him talk back to you either. If he talks badly - ignore him and only say you will talk to him when he talks "nice" to you (don't get bent out of shape either). If all else fails - go to the local library and get some books about handling difficult children. Get all the information you can and just remain calm. He obviously knows how to push your buttons, so don't let him anymore. Basically as long as you are with this guy you have to put up with his child. The child might not like you, but at some point he needs to learn respect for adults and then you might be able to get along better. Good luck - and get some books to read!!!
2006-10-27 09:52:01 · answer #2 · answered by Michaela 4120 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This DOES NOT make you a bad person. You just want the kid to behave...that is not too much to ask! For your own sanity, get yourself a good counselor to talk to and vent your frustrations. That way you won't punish out of anger. Someone need to intervene now, before this kid gets worse. I live in a similar situation except it's MY daughter that does not listen to her step-dad. My counselor gave me a video called 1-2-3 Magic on disciplining our child together. Your fiance needs to understand that the two of you have to show a united front to him so that he does not think that he can play you two against each other. Even the mother needs to unite with the 2 of you. This boy is craving some consistency in his life....I'm guessing the problem is that everyone has threatened every kind of punishment to him, but nobody follows thru. Therefore, he thinks he can do what he wants and nobody will do anything about it! You need to quit letting this child run the show! Even if your fiance does not agree, you have the right to punish him...it is YOUR house and eventually you will be his step-mom. Let this boy know that he might treat his mom or dad that way but YOU ARE NOT going to let him treat you that way! P.S. Don't argue about punishment in front of the child....that is what he wants...to get in between you and your fiance! Hope this helps. Have a nice weekend, maybe you should consider Supernanny at your house!
2006-10-27 09:21:19 · answer #3 · answered by Beck 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not seeing him is definitely not an option. You should never expect a guy to choose between you and his son. If he chooses you, he is not a good man anyway, as his first responsibility is to his child. You don't want to put him in the position of taking sides either. First and foremost, you need to get into family counseling. The kid may need to get on mood stabilizing meds. He also would probably benefit from individual counseling.
I just read a very good book on a study about which step families are most successful. The key concept I got out of it is that the step parent/step child relationship takes on average two years to even start to bond. During that time, the step parent should act more as a friend an advisor, and not a parent. The parenting and discipline should be left up to the biological parent.
I would advise you to not get married until this situation improves. Stepchildren are the greatest stressor on second marriages and you would be well advised to make sure you guys can work this out before you make a long term commitment.
Best of luck to you.
2006-10-27 09:02:37 · answer #4 · answered by schweetums 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the little twit just wants attention. When you give him attention, he wants more. and if he doesn't get it he destroys your personal belongings and will keep doing that until he learns his lesson that he can't.
key here is discipline. You have to play the part of the parent that this child never had. Say no, and mean it. Give him chores to do and if he doesn't, then punish him with his favorite thing.
You have to play drill sargent and i know it hurts but it is required. He will soon understand that there are rules and rules of the house as well as ground rules. Be strict. and encourage others to do the same. This has to be done.
Once he gets the message, he will calm down a bit and then things can return to normal.
Other than that, insist that the kids lives elsewhere, if nothing else works.
2006-10-27 09:00:35 · answer #5 · answered by snorkelman_37 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your amazing, wonderful man seems to lack the backbone needed to be a father. He's probably having more fun playing the "friend" thing with his son because he's either totally immature and lazy, or guilty or all three. Your boyfriend knows this is wrong but doesn't care to deal with it.
IF you marry him you can kiss the rest of your life goodbye. You'll have at least another 8 years of this.
But when you think about it..... the kid is only acting as badly as his parents have. They destroyed his life and family and treated him with a total lack of respect and with a total disgregard for his future and well-being, so why do you expect him to be any better than his moronic parents? He's a perfect example of what damage divorce causes to a kid. His parents made him what he is- he is a product of their lousy choices. Good luck.
Second marriages with kids have a 75% failure rate because of what you're facing.
2006-10-27 09:06:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard to change a child from rude and mean behavior when it is already ten. This should have happened around the age of two-three. Stick to your guns and explain he can not destroy things and treat you that way. You have a long road so I hope you have the strength. I have four kids and mine have been raised somewhat decent, but they all still have their moments. Looks like you will either have to put up with the kid and stick to your guns about what he can and can not do, or get out of the relationship. Sorry.
2006-10-27 09:01:34 · answer #7 · answered by Lost in Maryland 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and your man need to set rules for this kid and show him that there will be consequences as a result of them being broken. You both need to be united on this. When this kid misbehaves correct him. Put him in an empty room (that is one with no TV or toys) for a short period of time and explain to him what he did wrong and that you want him to say he's sorry. It's hard to correct bad behavior that has gone on for so long, but he's still young enough. You are the parent now, and he is the child. Kids want rules and regulations and they need loving correction when it's needed.
2006-10-27 09:37:32 · answer #8 · answered by X M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My daughter and my girlfriend had the same problems, my daughter didnt wreck anything but was very jealous and at times very disrespectful to my girlfriend. What we learned is that the parent of the child needs to put their foot down, and the \significant other needs to do the same thing. you have to work together that way the child will see that you are going to be in his life and not going anywhere. Next time he acts up ground him and dont give in, his father needs to back you up on it and not give in either. It will probaly be rough going for a while but it will eventually get better.
2006-10-27 09:02:17 · answer #9 · answered by girk_420 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is what happens when you date/marry a man with baggage. Think of it this way, if this guy doesnt fix things and you marry him its NOT gonna get better. If hes acting like this at 10 imagine what he will be like at 14 or 16 and by 18 PRISON!!!! You really want that. My dear friend was going through the same thing and gave the a choice me or your bitchy daughter. Anyway they all sat down and talked and the daughter got worse (even poisoned my friends dog-a little extreme I know) anyway she gave him one more chance and said me or her-unfortunetly he signed off all rights to his daughter. Very sad and tragic but they are married now and happy with 2 kids of their own. She says she feels bad about what happened but she was scared for her own safety and than for her babies. Anyway this happened 5 years ago she was 12. so he hasnt seen his daughter since. sad story I hope this does not happen to you so put a stop to it now!!!!
all the best
2006-10-27 09:36:41 · answer #10 · answered by frha75 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is VERY important that both you are your fiance work as one. There need to be guidelines set for this child and if he does not respond positively then there needs to be some sort of consequence, like "Time-out" or TV or games taken away. Appearantly his mother does not require that he behave and in his mind he can act as he wants when and where he wants.
Your fiance needs to be firm with his son, he has a responsibility to raise his son as an upstanding part of society.
The two of you have a big task ahead of you but his behavior can be changed with discipline and lots of love.
2006-10-27 09:08:49 · answer #11 · answered by Tiffany 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋