I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, we both have children, and always agreed that they shouldn't be overly involved in our relationship until we were together for a while. Recently our relationship has hit a wall. I think it's time to move forward or forget it, but because he doesn't want to take on his ex wife( who won't allow me anywhere near his children until we're engaged or married)who apparently hates me(she doesn't even know me) he thinks things can just stay the way they are indefinitley. His ex calls several times evey day, makes unreasonable demands on his time and finances, and basically works very hard to keep me out of his family/personal life. He allows it because he says he doen't feel like dealing with her, easier to give her what she wants. He doesn't understand how alienated from his life this makes me, it makes me think maybe he's still unsure, he says he's sure, but nothing changes. Am I wrong to be bothered by her control over him?
2006-10-27 07:58:12 · 10 answers · asked by jacqueline s 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
He doesn't want to deal with his ex and would rather give in to her? This guy has no spine! I know you love him and chances are, he loves you, but he doesn't respect you enough to realize that you take priority over her. His kids should, however, take priority over you for now, but not his ex. If he's like this now, there will be no magic change once you get married. Talk to him and express how you feel about this and he will either make the necessary changes or you need to move along.
2006-10-27 08:18:12 · answer #1 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh boy are you in for a long ride, if you care to keep up the relationship!
I had a bf after my divorce that was an Exes boy..his daughters started calling me mommy2 and she was SO angry that she quit allowing visitation..and upped the demands on money..she was already getting a huge amount monthly..enough to pay for home, sports car, mini van and lunches with the girls daily!
She would call over any little thing like the water dripping in the bathroom! The bottom of the girls slippers being dirty when they came home!!
Finally he got a lawyer involved for the money and visitation, we taped every phone call, and I always picked up the phone, and relayed messages back and forth!( after 100's of put him on the phone bi*ch..or f-u and slamming hang ups). We did file harassment charges 2 years later things settled into a more normal state..but it was a very long and hard 2 years!
If he isn't willing to let you handle the ex, honey get out, he either still loves her, or just plain does not respect you!
2006-10-27 08:05:33 · answer #2 · answered by kat k 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you're not wrong to be bothered. In my experience, many people find it easier to blame situations on other people, because then it's out of their control. That's just an easy excuse.
But really, we have control over all of our own actions and words. Your boyfriend can control his actions towards his ex, and if he's sure about you, I think he should stand up for you and speak to his ex! The difficulty will be getting him to understand this.
By his inaction ("easier to give her what she wants"), he is not only disrespecting you, setting a lousy example for the children, but he's also ENABLING her to carry on with her controlling behaviour. The longer this goes on (him giving her power), the worse it will get, and the harder it will be to put an end to it. Not to mention the example and disrespect I mentioned above.
Although you already have children too, don't let that fool you into thinking you can understand how SHE is thinking. Everyone's different and everyone has their own histories which influence how they behave. I think your boyfriend does let his ex get away with things he shouldn't allow or overlook, and who knows why that is.
When you said she makes unreasonable demands on his time and finances, Are you comparing her treatment of him with the way you treat the father of your child(ren)? Because although it might seem like a fair comparison, no two situations are the same. Hopefully you don't manipulate your own ex the way your current boyfriend's ex seems to be doing.
Maybe you have worked out a really good arrangement with your ex, or maybe you had to give up on trying to get him to give support (deadbeat dad). That should not change how your current boyfriend treats his own ex and his children.
Your boyfriend needs to step up or step out. You need to have realistic expectations of him and his ex, and if anyone's past is influencing their expectations or their actions in an unhealthy way, they should deal with it, either by giving their head a good shake or by getting counselling!
Good luck. Sounds like a tough situation. I still have a hard time sometimes with my own past or with my husband's, but I try to keep these things in mind, and if anyone gets out of line (including me), I try to be realistic about it.
Being honest with yourself is easier said than done, but it's a good skill to learn. When others aren't being honest with you, keep in mind maybe they haven't learned that skill for themselves! If you can manage to stay together, try not to think about your man's ex. Worry about yourself, your children, your boyfriend, and your own ex if you have to.
2006-10-27 08:17:32 · answer #3 · answered by jen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not wrong at all, I would not be comfortable w/ the situation if I was in it. You need to tell him that's its her or you. He obviously has found you and been with you for a year and a half, its time for the ex to get over her pettiness and its time for him to move on. Good Luck!!
2006-10-27 08:03:41 · answer #4 · answered by Ash 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he allows it and that is his choice he makes, she is not a jedi master who controlls his puppet strings, he does not want a girlfriend aroung his kids cause they come and go.he hides behind her as an excuse cause if he really had an issue he would not allow things and he would havew never left her if she had the complete control you describe, he is an adult whothinks for himself do not villify her
2006-10-27 08:02:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
1
2017-03-02 00:44:29 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It will be like this the rest of your relationship with him, either deal with it and realize its part of who he is or let the relationship go.
2006-10-27 08:00:38 · answer #7 · answered by fyrechick 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he was the one that said he does not want to deal with his ex, so now you have the choice live with that or move on
2006-10-27 08:01:00 · answer #8 · answered by rkilburn410 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is still in love with her :(
2006-10-27 08:01:29 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
TELL THAT HOOD RAT TO GET A LIFE AND STOP WORRIN ABOUT YRS
2006-10-27 08:00:59 · answer #10 · answered by keanda g 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋