How do you help yourself get over an unhealthy relationship?

Question

*we were friends at one point (best friends)
*he admitted attraction first
*i admitted the same about a year and a half later
*he lied a lot
*we became more intimate over time (never had sex though- thank God!)
*his parents did everything for him
*he was manipulative
*he was a user (like, used girls for things he needed)
a lot of these thing i knew already...a few others i wasnt aware until after the friendship keeled over and died.

i have dreamt of him a lot of late - he is always standing in the background, arms folded and just staring at me...in every scene.
We've had no contact, though. I have been angry at the wasted time, and energy, but nonetheless, he comes to mind/ Any help? Real advice, please don't bash - it shows immaturity and insensitivity.

Answer 1

You've already recognized that it was an unhealthy relationship and you got out. What keeps you hanging on is the wish that he was different and everything that you wanted him to be. The fact is that we can't change who they are. We either have to accept who they are and deal with it, or let go and move on. There is no easy way to let go. It just happens with time. You should congratulate yourself in the fact that you did not spend 30 years in this relationship before recognizing that it was unhealthy.

Answer 2

Know that it was not wasted time! You fail to see what good break ups give to a person, and if you haven't learned anything then you will face your same mistakes again and over till' you do learn them... Everything in the middle is a learning experiene untill you meet the man of your destiny! Be happy with the time you spent together and happier that it is over and that as you say no more time has been wasted, it just means he was not for you and that something bigger and better awaits you and everything in the middle is just a learning experience. Please do not be sad and angry you are missing the whole point of life and dating.... You listed all these reason of what had gone wrong and these reason are good reasons for ending the realstionship but again you fail to see what good has come from it, you do not need or want to be lied to or manipulated but none of that matters what matters that it is over and you can date someone new just as soon as you get over being hurt. All is well and never better trust me.

Answer 3

Hello, this happens to us at some point or another. There was this guy that treated me like **** and just used me. He was a womanizer. I couldn't understand why i couldn't stop thinking about him. I finally found out that I had always been attracted to guys who were distant. It might help for you to understand this, so here it goes.

If you were really attracted to a guy that became distant and unemotional, you may be unconsciously attracting this kind of man. This kind of relationship (ironically) will feel safer for those of us who may have a fear of really being loved and commiting.

Also, if you have a parent that is emotionally distant, you might be attracted to him because you equate this kind of love with reall love. It is not that you are a bad person, or weak.

People also have a tendency to make someone into someone they are not. They fall in love with the false illusion they have created, not the real person. The real person wouldn't be treating you like this, if he were what your mind fell in love with.

Another thing is rejection. Rejection sucks, for everyone. Sometimes this will cause a person to question "how good they really are" and will need that person who rejected them in the first place to varify their worth. Trust me though, if this is it, only you can know that you are worth it.

The best way to move on, is to get involved with things you enjoy doing. Good luck..

People who treat other people like this, usually have very low self esteem, and try to get as many people as they can, to fall in love with them, to say "Look how much I am needed." They have low self esteem, and usually don't even realize this themselves. He may also be immature. Even a 40 year old man, can still be immature. Some people never grow up.

Answer 4

Hard question, because some dreams have deeper meanings, some are just echoes of things already gone by. Both kinds can be sort of haunting when they are about someone you cared about.

My thought is in line with that old cliche "nature abhors a vacuum", by which I mean that the empty places inside you still have some of his shadows in them.

Best way to get rid of shadows is to shine light into them. My single best advice is for you to be more involved with a group of people with positive values that are doing good things in the community, preferably on a daily basis. That's first of all where God can bless you most as you bless others, and it is also where you can find the type of person you want to be with.

Make the world a better place and the empty space goes away.

Answer 5

I had a very unhealthy relationship. I did a lot for a young man. Plenty of attraction (no sex). He was totally using me. He had a terminal brain condition and I took care of him. I found him taking money from my purse one day and it broke my heart after all I had done for him. I was a good companion, allowed him to live with me, provided food and shelter ..... It was devastating. I felt so violated. I get it. You will keep thinking about him for a while. Eventually, he will fade from day-to-day thoughts. It just takes time. It killed me to put this guy out on the street in his physical condition; but I did. You have taken the first step -- you took control of the situation. Stick with your decision and give yourself credit for trying to be a friend and trying to give him credit when credit was due. I was angry, hurt and felt I had wasted my time at first. I was furious! Keep turning your thoughts from feeling foolish or anything else like that to feeling like you did the best you could with the relationship. God puts people in our paths sometimes for different reasons. I also believe we can reflect and learn from those relationships. Use the relationship to make you stronger and wiser for your future. Never regret a good thing you did. We should be good to each other in life. Have faith that your time with him is over, in God's time, and that He will send someone else your way when you are ready. Take care of yourself.

Answer 6

The reason he is standing in your dreams in the background arms folded is cause you are still thinking of him.. You said so yourself that he was manipulative and sounds like he was controling. Don't let him get to you. Move on. Go out with friends and have a great time and try not to think about him before you go to bed at night.. Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

First, realize that you were the genuine one in the relationship. If what you said is the truth, then you did nothing wrong. As you said, thankfully, there was no sex involved. Just know that if you succumb to him again, things will be the same as they once were, and that you are too emotionally drained to allow yourself to go through that again. It's natural that he would come to mind, considering the time you spent with him. Just take it slowly, don't jump into another relationship so quickly (rebound effect), and build your self- esteem back up. Get out there and love again

Answer 8

Try going out with your friends even if you're not necessarily in the mood. Make yourself get out! I had such a hard time getting over a hot ex until my bestfriend forced me to go out with him. I wanted to sulk and was NOT in the mood to be out hanging around other people, but I went anyway. I actually had fun with my friend and everyone he met. Despite myself (didn't even dress up very much), I soon met the best guy that put my ex to shame. I never knew a guy could be so sweet, sensitive, and everything a girl could ever want. He made my ex look like the boy that he was. Good luck, Girl!

Answer 9

You have a good list of reasons why you're not in the relationship anymore. Now, make a list of reasons why you're better off without him.

Refer to these lists often, especially when you feel you're wavering.

About the dreams:
Every night before I go to sleep, I make a mental list of 10 things I'm thankful for. It clears my head, resets my priorities, and literally changes my dreams. Just a suggestion, but it might help your unconscious mind put positives, not negatives, in your dreams. It sounds like you still feel him judging you, even though he's not in your life anymore. You need to replace him with someone/something else...

Answer 10

Harder the friendship / relationship, the harder it is to get over it. You were hurt, manipulated and brought to believe that this friend was true. And in the end you found out he wasn't. Maybe you are holding on, not so much to the relationship, but to the reason "Why". We've all gone through this, but with time (sometimes lots and lots of time) you do get over the pain, hurt and humiliation.