I need help with my 17 year old teenage son!?

Question

Our 17 year old teenage son is totally out of control. He moved back in with his father and I When he was 14 due to a bad situation back home with him mother. He was left alone for a week at a time. He did horrible in school getting D's and F's. We took away privelages and grounded him sometimes months on end. He has been caught sleeping with 14 year old girls and to top it all off will disappear for days at a time and then come home like nothing has happened. He burns himself and has lost a lot of weight. He is 6 foot and only weighs maybe 145. He dropped out of school because either his friends did or graduated. They are all moving away. We tried to get him counseling and he ran away. We now think he is using drugs and he has refused a drug test. We want to kick him out. He will turn 18 in a few months. We are at our wits end and are desperate for any advice. Our son is on self destruct and we cant even force a drug test per the law of our state without HIS (?!?!?!) consent. HELP!

We also have a 9 year old daughter who looks up to him like he is a god. She has noticed the change in behavior. Also at one time our son had friends who are very active in their youth group. He stopped being their friend and degraded their beliefs calling them stupid and also stating there is no god. I told him I loved him just yesterday. I am scared for him and the fact that he says that there is nothing wrong with him. He refuses to see a doctor and or counselor. I know that his burning of himself is not normal and he does need therapy. We tried to force it and it backfired at us with his stating that we could force him and he wouldn't talk. He followed through with his threat. We do love our son but his choices are affecting us and breaking his sisters heart. This is hard.

Answer 1

Okay, your first thought has to be for your 9 year old daughter. You do not want this behavior to seem okay to her and what is going on is causing her some psychological harm now. You, your husband, your daughter and your son need to get into family counseling. He may not talk, but you all will and he will hear it.

If he is having sex with 14 year old girls, there needs to be some type of repercussions. Contact the local law enforcement better that this gets taken care of now, then when he is looking at 9+ years in a state jail facility. The judge can set certain requirements on him like drug testing and counseling to keep him out of jail. Also you might think about the military.

I do not want you to think that I am personally saying that this is your situation, I am only giving information and you will have to decide if it applies to you. Parents can cause damage to their children, either knowingly or unknowingly. Divorce is hard on children. They sometimes think that the divorce is their fault or the parents may use the children to hurt the other parent. At 14 he essentially was told by his mother that he was an adult, he was left alone to fend for himself for a week (that you know of). I guarentee that there is a lot more that you don't know of. Yes you and your husband love him, but he may not understand that. He came from a home that was dysfunctional to say the least. He was not afforded the protection that a child deserves. Even though he moved in with you and your husband when you found out about this, he may actually be blaming both of you (but mainly his father) for not getting him out before or for ever having him in this situation in the first place.

On the issue of burning/cutting, THIS IS NOT being done to get 'attention'. People that burn or cut do it because they are feeling so much pain in their life that they need to find some relief. When they cut or burn themselves, the pain from what they have done to themselves hurts more then the 'pain' they are feeling in their life. It almost feels like when you blow a balloon up with too much air and you put a hole in it, as the air releases the balloon relaxes and you don't feel like you are going to explode. You burn/cut, you relieve that pressure and you do not feel like you are going to explode. Your son needs to be taught other more appropriate ways to relieve his stress and pain. Please do not judge him on this unless you have gone through it yourself. What he is doing is not appropriate but there is a real psychological reason behind it.

On your suspicions of drug use. He has probably been using for a while. Look back to when he started to do poorly in school, when he started to change friends, when he started to turn his back on his old friends and his faith. His weightloss sounds more like a stimulant like cocaine, crack or meth then it does marijuana. With marijuana, people usually get the 'munchies' and gain weight. That is why some doctors prescribe it to cancer patients because it makes them want to eat. You will not be able to help him. He needs professional help. He is underage and you can have him placed into an in house rehab facility. If you can not afford one or your insurance will not cover it, talk to your local church of NA (narcotics annonomous) they may be able to help you place him in a good facility that has grants or will take patients on a sliding pay scale. Help is out there you just have to do the leg work. Drugs can kill. They tear families apart. Do this for him, your daughter and both you and your husband.

It may take him a while to talk to a counselor but a good counselor will know how to get him to open up. He didn't get to this point over night and it won't be fixed overnight. There may be a point that you have to use Tough Love. You may have to tell him that you and his father love him and you always will, however that does not mean that you have to sit back and like what he is doing with his life. Tell him that if and when he decides that he would like a relationship with your family, that you will be waiting with open arms, but until he stops his drug usage and self destructive behavior, you will have to love him from afar.

I beg you, don't give up on him. He is not going to do anything willingly, right now, but if you get him into a treatment facility he will come to realize where his anger is coming from and find more appropriate ways to deal with it. You are dealing with the sins of his biological mother, it is not fair, but he is your son just as sure as you gave birth to him.

Finally, his burning or cutting, may be grounds for a judge to have him committed to a menal health facility. They may find that he is a danger to himself. He will not like it and may even say that he hates you right at first but they doctors and his treatment will help him to see where he needs to place his real anger.

Good luck and hang in there. Parenthood, in the best of times, is the hardest job that you will ever have. You are parents to a damaged child. If your car broke down, you wouldn't park it in your garage until it decided that it wanted to work, you would take it to a mechanic. Your son doesn't need to be parked in his room until he comes of age, he needs to be 'fixed'. Now as a parent, you need to find the right 'mechanic' to take him to.

There comes a time that even a child that has been damaged in his youth decides to be a victim or a survivor. You have to get him the help to teach him how to move from victim to survivor.

Good luck and God Bless

Answer 2

My question is if he has been caught sleeping with 14 year old girls why hasn't he been turned in for rape? Drug testing is not going to do any good because unless you do a blood test there are so many things that can cause a false positive. I would consider contacting your the juvenille department of your local police force and see what they have for suggestions from a legal aspect. Also counseling for you and your husband with or without your son is something that needs to be considered. If he disappears again before he turns 18 list him as a missing person at the police station if you can. He needs professional help but you will need to see how to get him into a treatment center. Have you talked to the counselor he was supposed to see for suggestions on all of this? When he turns 18 if nothing has changed please have a competent locksmith in mind and change the locks after you firmly tell him that the free ride is over. Let him know that if he changes his ways or ever wants to change and would like serious help that the two of you will always be there for him but until then he needs to fend for himself. Have the locks changed then and wish him well.

Answer 3

He is a teenager!! At this point there is not much you can do. Take it from someone who knows the signs, I'm sure he is using drugs, so don't be shocked. Talk to a lawyer, an see what you can do to put him in rehab. Most of the time you can get a court order for that. As for the rest, it's usually a faze. He will probably fight you on the whole thing. It sounds like with what he went through he might have issues, and he's not sure how to deal with them, so he is acting out. Try sitting him down, WITHOUT YELLING, tell him he is hurting you, but when he is ready for help, you will be there to support him. Make him get a job if he is not in school.
When he turns 18, make him pay rent if he chooses to live with you. NO more girls in the house!! Set rules, if he doesn't like them, he can go some were else. YOU'RE NOT TURNING YOUR BACK ON HIM, YOU'RE TRYING TO HELP!!! Remember that when he starts to yell at you and says he doesn't love you. (He will, believe me) GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 4

The state of you son at this moment is the culmination of how he has been raised for the past 17 years of his life. It took 17 years to get to this point. To fix what's wrong with him may take even longer, if it can be fixed at all. Of course you desperately want to help him. It is painful to watch someone kill them self slowly before your eyes. Unfortunately your husband (I gather he is the biological father and you are the boys step mother) and the boy's mother created this child, created this teenager and created this problem. As the case with most troubled kids, the parents are the cause of the dysfunction. If they casued it with their own dysfunction, they certainly don't have the tools to fix it. Even with the best of intentions the dysfunction of the parents and the dysfunctional relationship between the boys biological parents will continue to work against anything positive they or you try to do. Kids learn quickly how to pit one parent against the other to get what they want, so unless both parents get help themselves the fix their own dysfunction and then come together in total accord on a plan of help for their son, then there is not much hope. The best chance this boy has is if he is removed completey from the source of his dysfunction (both of his parents) and maybe just maybe he will be able to figure things out for himself.

And yes don't fool yourself, he is using drugs..probably crystal meth, which is highly addictive. So the drug addition now adds a whole physical problem, on top of the emotional issues that led him to this point.

Answer 5

I don’t really have the answer to your question, but I can give you some advice from what I have already learned. I am a human development major; I am learning to understand why children do what they do. After reading your question, I noticed everything you have done as of now doesn’t work. For one, children do not always respond to punishment very well, especially when it is repetitive. If you want to ground your child, it’s best to do it only once or twice and not for a long period time. After a while the child gets use to it, and determines ways to get around it. They find other things to engage in.

You mentioned, he moved into your home as a result of a bad situations with his mother. He acting up can be his way of asking for help. Not professional help, but maybe some more attention from parents or family.

Depending on the situation he faced before living with you, he is probably thinking no one cares for him except his friends. He probably lacks trust in you and your husband. He is probably thinking the two of you will give up on him. And as a result, he is working toward that. I am not saying that neither you nor your husband has done anything to him. But children develop in stages, and before they can move onto the next stage of their lives, they have to either accomplish or fail the previous stage. He probably ended one of his stages on a bad note.

This is the time he needs you the most. You need to continue trying, although it'll be hard. You need to break him down, and see what it that is affecting him. Once you know, try to work on repairing it. It’s going to be hard, but in the end it will all work out.

In closing all I have to say is, don’t give up. He needs you there for every step of the way. This could probably be a phase, he'll grow out of.

If you need some more advice feel, free to contact me. I have all the information you need.

Answer 6

As loving parents, you are doing what can. However, he is an adult now. He knows right from wrong. He is making his choices and now he has to deal with consequences. He can't live with his parents forever nor can he keep up this behavior to affect your lives.

Need to let him spread his wings and fall on his bottom before he can learn how to fly.

He refuses help to better himself and to have support of family. That is a sign it is time to let him go out and have some rough around with "adulthood".

His distruction will give negative effects on your lives. Your daughter doesn't have a good influence role model in her life. You and your husband can't afford his behavior and his "I don't have to" behavior can turn into "I can do what I want, steal what I want and live the way I want". If he disrespects his parents, he has high chance of disrespecting your home/lives all together.

Give him altamatium. He gets help or he gets out.

Everyone deserves a second chance. He used up his too many times.

I know it isn't easy as he is your son. Natural thing for you is to love and take care of him. However, you done that and it is time for him to do something with that love and care. Not fair treatment he is giving back for all the things all of you are doing for him.

I know this because I have siblings who used drugs, crime and disrespected my mom. My three older half siblings on my bi logical dad side is EXACT same way, but they are in their 20's and 30's now. Once they are adults, they are on their own and they have to learn self responsibility.

Answer 7

I was a very similar teenager but obviously I female. My parent put me in a program called Job Corp. It is like a vocational school you live at (there is no way to escape) when I graduated from there my parents told me I had to find my own place to live and I didn't have a choice but to make the best of my life. (Job Corp gives you a paycheck like $20 a week, and gives you a savings account so when yo leave they have been putting money aside for you It wa like $1000 I left with. I know Have three children a great husband, a house and a great job. the best to you . If you are interested send me an email and I can help you get information. [e-mail].

Answer 8

You have a really tough situation. I'm sorry about that. Here's what I think...

"He did horrible in school getting D's and F's." Help him. Show him how to do the homework. If that's not helping, drop him down to a grade that's suitable for him. That may sound horrible, but letting him not learn anything in school is more detrimental than making him sit in a class that is too hard for him.

"We took away privileges and grounded him sometimes on months on end." No! Grounding makes kids turn out the way they are now. It makes them have the need to rebel against the parents. Do not ground your son, because it will be harder to control him. Instead, spank him. If he wants to behave like a little kid, discipline him as a little kid.

"He has been caught sleeping with 14 year old girls and to top it all off [he] will disappear for days at a time then come home like nothing has happened." Your son has no feelings of guilt and shame. Many children learn guilt at an early age, and parents nowadays aren't teaching them that. I think it's too late to address this problem; your son will probably behave like that for the rest of his life.

"He burns himself and has lost a lot of weight." Simple. Take away the matches or lighters (however he's burning himself) and force food into him. If that doesn't work, make him burn himself all that he wants, and he'll realize sooner or later that burning yourself hurts like hell.

"He dropped out of school because either his friends did." Force him back into school. Physically drag him into your car, buckle him in, drive him to school, and make someone know that he's in all of his classes. It's a good thing his friends are moving away, because the last thing your son needs is bad peer pressure like those kids.

"We tried to get him counseling and he ran away." This may be a little expensive, but get a security guard and make sure he stays in his sessions and make your son talk. If your son doesn't talk, what's the point of wasting your money on counseling?

If you feel your son isn't going to improve over the next few months, I suggest this, although it sounds harsh.

1. Pack up some of his clothes (I stress the word some) in his suitcases, along with his matches and whatever he needs to be emo with himself (whatever he needs to cut himself or burn himself, etc). Take away his phone and all of his money, including his credit card, bus pass, State ID, etc. and throw all of those things onto the porch in front of your house.

2. Change your locks and keys. This is to ensure he doesn't hurt you after you make "the move," which will be explained later.

3. When your son comes home, do "the move." Kick him out. Tell him not to come back until he has changed. Then lock the door, the gate, anything to ensure he doesn't come back.

This sounds harsh, but it worked for me. I was a mini-me of your son in 8th grade, and ever since my mom did that, I'm a different person.

Answer 9

sounds to me like your son is in a very dangerous state of mind. he ran away from counseling? in this state where i am, as a parent you can actually force your son into some sort of treatment. even a facility. i think you must petition the court. however, his dad and his biological mother may have to do it. don't know if you can, guess it depends on whether or not you share in the custody. but his dad should. i think you are not going to be able to help your son at home. he has a lot of issues, evidently from his childhood which require professional help and possibly medication. i sure hope everything works out for your son and your family. it's also important to do whatever you are going to do before he reaches legal age, it will be harder for him to challenge your decision. besides that, he needs help NOW, before he becomes suicidal if he's not already. i truly wish the best for you and him.

Answer 10

Wow, that's tough. It really sounds like your son has some sort of drug addiction, what with the weight loss and being gone all of the time.

His being left alone for long periods of time suggests that some of this may be due to abandonment issues or neglect from his childhood. I'd suggest having him go to a counselor, although I doubt he'll consider it. That may also have something to do with the poor grades, but it could also be because of depression, a drug habit, or general apathy.

As a 17-year-old who has been grounded for several long stretches (don't worry about me taking his side, I'm a lot better now), I think that that can just make things worse sometimes. I know that it contributed somewhat to me becoming depressed, although I most certainly do not blame my parents for that. I found that the thing that really straightened me out was doing chores -- a LOT of chores -- around the house. I wonder if that might help.

I was a burner too, and while I don't know why your son does it, it may be to dissociate (it's a lot like a drug, actually, because it deals with one's endorphins, and it's addicting) or it may be because he's very angry. Probably both. I know that it is very distressing for a parent to face self-injury, but do not take away his tools. If you take away his lighter and cigarettes (I'm not saying he smokes, but it's a common tool), then he will probably resort to less hygenic options like heating coins on a lightbulb, or very dangerous options like using scalding water or a radiator. I hope that I am not scaring you... I mean this for your son's well-being.

As for sleeping with minors, I suggest that you go to the police. In fact, depending on the laws where you live, you probably have to. Your son is over the age of legal sexual consent, and the girls are not, which makes it statutory rape. I realise that you probably do not want to do this, because it will get your son in a lot of trouble, but you should still do it. Going to jail and being on a sex offender registry really stinks but if he's in jail then he's less likely to self-injure and he will have to quit his drug addiction.

As important as school is, it sounds as though he's just not capable of returning to academia until he gets some more serious issues worked out. He can always work on a GED once he's clean, but being in school just won't help him now.

I don't really know if you should kick him out or not. If you keep him in the house then at least you know where he is sometimes, but if you kick him out, it may further your message that his actions are absolutely not permissable. Don't make it an issue of love though... even if he doesn't admit it, deep down every kid wants to know that their parents love them, and it really sounds like he needs to know that right now.

I think that your best option is probably to turn him in for statutory rape so that he has to go to prison and clean up. It will not be fun and he will probably be irate, but he will clean up and can work on a GED and otherwise turn his life around. He may even thank you later in life.

As for your daughter, make it clear to her that your son's behaviour is unacceptable and that you love her. Do everything you can (without being overbearing, of course) to make sure that she does well in school and maintains a healthy social life. Find another punishment besides excessive grounding, and use that for her. Also, strongly encourage her to become active in sports or, even better, community service. That will give her something to do, a way to make positive friendships, and a real sense of doing something that matters. Hopefully that will help her avoid your son's problems.

I respectfully suggest that you don't follow rick_n_karen_carpenter's suggestions of forcefeeding him or making him burn himself. That will just make your son more upset, and it qualifies as child abuse, even if he is 17. And a security guard probably won't do much good.

I really hope that the situation improves for you, your son, and the rest of your family. Good luck.

Answer 11

Its time to look into Tough Love. What you are going to have to do will not be easy. He may have to hit rock bottom before he understands how destructive his behavior is, and then he may not ever see that. What you may need is counseling for you and your husband to try to understand his behavior and how it is not your fault. Hang on, it's going to be a rocky ride.