Staying in relationship because of guilt!!!?

Question

I have been with the same guy for 5 years. We are both in our mid 20's but he talks of getting married and having kids. Of course i want to some day but not with him. Every time we are together we fight. He calls me nasty names and then says its my fault he gets mad. I dont do anything except go to work 40hrs a week and then i have a night class once a week. He accuses me of all sort of things. I cant even have girlfriends to hang out with. Now here is my dilemna. He is from Jamaica and doesnt have any family left here in the states. His mother and two sisters are in Jamaica so he feels lost. I try to be there for him but obviously its not enough because of how he treats me. I want to leave him so bad but he makes me feel guilty. he always says that no one cares about him and he should just kill himslef. If i leave him, then he will really be alone. Please help, i dont know what to do. On one hand i know i need to do things for myself, but i have a huge heart and feel guilty. Help!

Answer 1

Staying in a relationship that you do not want to happen is actually pretty selfish. You are keeping yourself and him from moving on to find the right person. All break-ups are hard no matter what the circumstances are. You will be happy in the long run if you end it now.

Answer 2

As long as you keep falling for his guilt trips, he will continue to use them against you. I was once in a relation where my ex b/f threatened that if I left him, he would end his life. I felt so guilty and scared because a few years prior, my brother had ended his life. I didn't know what to do, but I had to do something because I was driving myself insane and was tired of being unhappy. Over time, I had just had enough. It was time for me to put my own happiness first, so I asked him to leave. I felt guilty, but that feeling shall too pass. Needless to say my ex b/f did not end his life. I guess he was just saying that just play with my mind and my emotions. He had no choice but to move on, because cut all contacts with him after a while and made it crystal clear that there was no hope in us getting back together.

In some point in time, you have to stand up for yourself. When the time is right (and only you will know when the time has come), you will have to tell him that you no longer want to be with him and explain to him why. If it helps, offer to help him financially with purchasing a ticket so that he can go back to jamaica with his family. If he starts the guilt trip again about how no one cares and that he should end his life, explain to him that you do care but you are no longer in love with him and that the time has come for the both of you to move on. I doubt it if he really would his life over this, but I don't know him so I can't say for sure. But if you believe he would, then try talking to a counselor of some sort to find out other ways to handle this situation. Bottom line is that if you keep falling for his guilt trips, he will continue to use them. There is nothing wrong with having a big heart, but you've got to realize when someone is taking advantage of your feelings and that's when you have to stand up and draw the line somewhere. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

It sounds like you are describing my relationship. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. She's Korean, from Korea (in fact she's there now) and most of her family is here. Well immediate family is here but extended is mostly over there. It sounds like our situations are similar: Our fights are horrible, we both say the worst things to each other, and then follow it up with "I love you" (huh???), I never get to see my friends much anymore because I'm always with her, she accuses me all the time and doesn't trust me. One strong motivation for staying with her is that her family has been there for me and is always there to help me, so I'm paying my respects by helping out at the family store. I'd feel really guilty leaving because of how involved I am with her family. I'm in my late 20's, she's a bit younger, but we both realized a while ago that neither of us is right for marriage with each other.
So after all that... I really don't have any good answer for you, except you need to do what's best for you and realize that, unless he's mentally disturbed, he will survive and move on. if not, get ready with a restraining order.

Answer 4

Well, for starters i want to let you know my answer is not based on judging you, but is because i have been in the same position... He will not kill himself!!! This is something he says to you so you will feel bad, he is laying a thick guilt trip on you and doesn't give a s*** about you or your feelings, you have wasted 5 years of your life already with this so called "man" do you wanna waste another 5 or maybe wait until there are kids involved and he abuses them to... Get out now while its not to late, and there is something you can do about it, because after name calling comes the hitting, you've already said you don't want to be with him, make that first move and leave his sorry a** you can do better then that jerk anyway!! He is alone? so what!! big deal!! as if he's the first person in this world to have no family beside him, they probably went back to Jamaica to get rid of him!! My mother came to Canada from Italy with out knowing any english, the university education she had in Italy couldn't help he here, so she had to start all over again, she taught herself english, and worked in a factory for years, then finally went back to school and made something of herself in Canada and on her own!!
She did it.... It only takes that first step!! You want soem good advice!! LEAVE NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!!!! Hope i helped, and God bless!!

~CHEERS!!~

Answer 5

You are staying in this relationship for all of the wrong reasons! If someone is not letting you have friends and calling you names, you are in an abusive relationship. If you think it is bad now, just wait...it will get even worse. I wouldn't feel sorry for him. He can always go back home, can't he? I think (and it is just my opinion) that you could possibly be afraid of the consequences if you do decide to leave him. Do yourself a favor and get out of this as soon as possible. My ex was the same way as you described in the beginning and I wound up in the hospital ten years later...don't let it come to that! Good luck!

Answer 6

He's using this as a way too keep you. Offer too help him find a good councilor too talk too before you dump him, but tell him that you are ending this relationship. If you offer too help him find someone too talk too and etc...you shouldn't feel guilty about breaking it off with him. If he does do something drastic at least you will have the peace of mind knowing that you offered too help him find a councilor. Men and women use all sorts of threats too try too keep a relationship together, I know, I've been on the receiving end of threats before, but you can't let them control your life, which is all they really want too do. Please get out of this bad relationship soon!!

Answer 7

That is a real hard place for you to be. Don't waste another day with him! Life is short. Don't feel guilty because he could've made friends with other people all this time you've been going out with him so it's not your fault he's alone, it's his. He's a controller. And don't buy the suicide bit either. They say, people who tell other people their gonna commit suicide never do. I've had boyfriends say that to me. I just told them that that would be a really mean thing to do to their families. They never killed themselves. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

Please, do not make the same mistakes I have. I continued in a loveless marriage for years because of guilt. Now that it is over I am much happier and mentally better because I finally realized I was hurting myself and my kids more than helping. You are young and smart, you need to be truthful and let him go. It will be hard at first, but you will be better off in the long run.

Answer 9

You should just leave him and continue on with your life with the way he is treating you. Seems like he is just using you to vent all his frustration and doesnt really love you. Dont feel guilty when you leave him because you are leaving because of the way he treats you. Maybe he will finally realize what he has been doing to you then.

Answer 10

It is hard to have a huge heart and to be with someone who takes advantage of it. Basically that is what he is doing. He is taking advantage of your feelings and your kindness and making you do things you don't want to do. You need to step back from the situation and really look at what you need. You cannot let him control you. I was in a relationship where my g/f controlled me much the same way. I am out of that relationship and moved on with my life and it feels fantastic. So, move on and don't let him control you.