my son has started to say his dad isnt his dad just his brothers dad?

Question

he is right as his dad is different to his younger brother but he doesnt know this as we go together when he was 1 month old,i have not said anything as i dont think he is old enough to understand yet but dont know what to do.

he is four now,his real dad isnt around anymore cause use to abuse me lots and we left for our saftey,we dont see his family so they havent said anything and my partner doesnt treat them any different.when i asked him he just says,his brothers dad i think he means to say our daddy. it doesnt upset him when i correct him and yes i think i should tell him the truth but at what age do you bring up the subgect i have all the paper work about his real dad from police file to solicitors letters so he can read them and make his own mind up.

Answer 1

Maybe now is a good time to confirm it! If you wait until he's old enough to understand it, he might resent you for it.

Answer 2

How old is he?

If he's over 8 or so, then maybe the time has come to be honest. Stress that there's a difference between a father and a daddy so that he still feels loved.

EXTRA: I've just read your edit. I think you need to do a bit of detective work to find out why he thinks this. 4 is much too young to come up with that on his own, someone must have said something. But also, he is too little now, I think, for you tell him the truth. As I said before 8 plus is a better time.

Answer 3

You have to put in some memories for the child excluding his father and brother. Even though he was only a month old, use sayings like 'when it was just me and you together'. Tell your son that he is extra special because his daddy chose him to be his little boy, but he got what he was given when his Brother came.
It will be easier if you implant some knowledge now rather than wait and shock him with it later on. You could mention that he had another Dad, who went away, but refer to him after that by name and never Dad. It is a difficult thing to do especially if you have some anger towards his birth father, but it will not help to paint him in a bad light. but when he is old enough then he has the right to hear facts.
I found that once I had implanted some memories for my daughter, as she got older she would ask me questions. I only answered what she asked as that is an indication that they are mature enough to hear that answer. I had to make sure that I reminded her that we were once alone together, as children do forget. Remember that he is still too young to understand the birds and the bees so he will not know straight away that he has no biological connection to his dad.
When my daughter was nine I began to talk about her dad formally adopting her if she chose, which she did. Kids have to be fully aware that they are not the biological father first.
My daughter said that she wanted her dad to own her in the eyes of the law, the same as her brother.

Good luck honey... and yes I wished I too could wave a magic wand and make it go away, but it is what it is.

There are some childrens books which can also help by reading with parents. Google it. x

Answer 4

I would only give him small pieces of information for now. He's too young to fully understand, but at that age kids can take it a lot more. Start off slowly. If he has questions be honest, but be careful as to how much info he should get at one time. As he gets older and gets used to the idea you can explain more until he has the full story. I've no doubt he will support your decision 100%. You've found him a new dad, (the only one he's known) and givin him a better start in life. You made the best decision when you left. If he knows everything about his dad before he's a teenager you've done well. Give him a very small truth to begin with, see how he reacts to it. If he takes it well and has more questions then give him more answers. However, at this stage, don't offer too much unless he asks.

Answer 5

Someone must have told him, or he overhead something. You dont say how old your son is or how he has reacted to this news. Its best to be honest with him now, but reassure him that your partner loves him very much and will always be his daddy and will always be equal to his younger half brother. I assume his bioligical father is not on the scene as you dont mention him.

These things always do have a habit of coming out in the end and its always best to be honest and give information in a way your child can handle it. Did you and your partner have a strategy for when this happened, or did you just hope it would go away and he would never know?

If he isn't upset this is a credit to you and means that he feels secure and loved and his parentage makes no difference to him, but he does have a right to know now and dont start covering it up and lying to him now - this is a terrible example to set.

Answer 6

The first couple of months with a newborn are really stressful and the lack of sleep never helps. I'm sure he's sincere in being sorry, he probably is feeling just as frustrated and tired as you are and it reached a boiling point that night. When our first two were born, my husband and I fought over who had to get up all the time and I even locked myself in the bathroom and cried because of all the stress, you just need to get a pattern set. I probably would have taken the feeding rather than having him to get up in the middle of the night when he had to work in a few hours. Since you're not working you could always sleep in a bit and sleep when the baby is sleeping. If it's possible you two could break the night feedings into shifts, he could feed the baby until maybe midnight-ish and you go to bed at 8 or 9 so you get some sleep in and then get up for the feedings after midnight so he can get at least 7 hours of sleep in before work. We did that and it helped us stay sane until the kids slept through the night. He's probably ashamed of how he acted and that's why he doesn't want to face your mom. I understand that you guys lived with her but honestly does she have to have a "talk" with him? It should be something you guys work out on your own, the added stress of facing your mom when he feels ashamed could be making him apprehensive.

Answer 7

If your son is old enough to ask the question, he is old enough to need an answer. Even very difficult things like this can be explained simply, and the trauma to the child is less than the discomfort of the suspicions he now is harboring. You should devise a way to tell him together. Depending on his age, it can be pretty simple. And saying you had a different boyfriend/husband/whatever does not mean that Dad is not Dad. Make that very clear or you will have issues of respect.

Answer 8

I think it's wisest to talk about it before he can really understand, then he will always know the truth and won't resent you hiding anything from him. Tell him that he is extra special because Daddy decided to come and live with him and that he loves him just as much as your other child. Good luck - sounds like you're doing a good job in a difficult situation. It's good that he isn't upset about the situation - It's amazing what kids can take on board at that age

Answer 9

Tough one.
How about sticking only to what he is talking about, without going into details? For example, you could say there are different sorts of Daddies -something like 'You have a birth daddy, who helped be made in your mother's tummy, and the home daddy, who is the one who looks after you and helps you keep safe and well.'
Obviously , you change this to suit yourself, but the idea of a home daddy might be useful when you get round to the thorny subject about why his real dad ain't around.
He will ask you when he is ready, be guided by him. Don't forget, one line answers are often all the child wants.

Answer 10

i knew that my dad was not my real dad when i was very young, it's child's intuition, no one told me that the man my mother married was not my real dad even though he had been in my life since i was 3 years old, i just knew, and when i was older, i found this to be true, i didn't go round the family asking questions, i just knew, you don't need to tell him yet, but as he gets older he will ask, so then sit him down and tell him the trust, i think it's only fair, he will understand more at an older age, i didn't actually get to meet my real dad till i was 36, but i always knew the man in our life was not my dad...don't know how i knew but i just did, kids sense things at a very young age, but i would still wait till he's about 3 or four years older before you can explain to him the reasons why his real dad is not there, he wont understand now...

Answer 11

You didn't state how old your son is, but he is old enough 2 understand what's going on. Is his real dad in his life & he put 2&2 together? If not, he heard some1 talking about this. You should tell him the truth, he deserves 2 know. He will understand if you tell it in a way 4 his age.