Asked once and got deleted somehow.. asking again.?

Question

My daughter who is three is adopted by my husband, but mine biologically. Her birth father lives out of state and has a no contact order against him because he has serious problems and has been both physically and verbally abusive to me as well as severely neglectful to her as an infant. On one occassion he took her into a bar and abandoned her and I had to go to the police station to retrieve her. (He had her for a day visit.) Yesterday, my three year old asks me if I am a kidnapper. I ask her who told her that and she said the man on the phone did. I said who's phone were you talking on and she named a family member. I am waiting until I see this family member today to talk to her about the situation, but I'm sure she'll deny having let my daughter talk to the birth father although I am sure that's what happened (The family member and birth father have mutual friends.) I hate to turn family into the authorities, but should I for the sake of my daughter?

She is legally adopted and I am not letting her see her birth father. The family member in question is related to ME- not HIM.

The day visit in question I mentioned was before he lost his rights- I had tried to get only supervised visits, but the state wouldn't let that happen because he had never done anything harmful to her. That was the last time he ever had her unsupervised because after that he could only see her at my home or at a mutual meeting place.

Answer 1

Family members can be such ***'s ..... your responsibility is to your daughter ... you're family I'm sure you'll survive without ... how'd you be without your daughter???

Answer 2

I would talk to this family member, and see what her side of the story is. Does she know the whole situation that You had to endure, and why He has a no contact order against Him. I don't think you should let your daughter be alone with this family member, if she is endangering your daughter in that way, and allowing her father to put negative information in her head. Also, it could get worse, and that family member, make arrangements for Him to come over, or if He knows she is there, that He would kindnap her from there. I would have a serious conversation first, and let her know how you feel, and go from there, before turning her in. If she knew, and don't care about your feelings, and don't think she did anything wrong, then I would make a police report. A 3 year old is incapable of making that up, so if the family member denies everything, then that would be a major warning for me. If you feel your daughter is in danger, then make a police report, but I would have a serious conversation with the family member first, to make sure it was not intentional.

Answer 3

Why are you letting them see her if your husband adopted her. I adopted my wife's son. I have pretty much been his father since he was 10 months old. Once the adoption went through, and the biological father did fight, he has no legal rights to see him at all. I told him that any attempt to see him would be immediately reported to the police. He said some threatening words so I filed a complaint with the police. Now, any attempt he makes toward anyone in my family will result in his arrest. Your child can decide if she wants to pursue a relationship with him when she is in her teens or even older, but it is you and your husband's choice and legal rights. Now if she is not legally adopted, then you have a huge problem to deal with and I would suggest you contact a lawyer to get the adoption moving and to see what your rights are to make sure the visits are supervised ones.

Answer 4

your three year old is not going to come up with "you" being a kidnapper just out of the clear blue.which in term all ready proves that the "family member" is guilty..For your child's sake I would have this taken care of as soon a possible even if you have to get the law involved...This could not only be heart-wrenching for the child.but I would think could/would cause emotional stress...She is just a baby and will not understand what has caused the fact that she is not around her birth father for a few years to come....not that she will ever be able to come to terms with it the older she gets the harder the questions are going to be to answer...You Have a good head on your shoulders and seem to have nothing but the best interest in your daughters life on your mind..I would not allow her to be around the mentioned family member.....AND to you husband......good for you for taking a stand and being the daddy that this child needs......YOU BOTH seem to be great people ,,,,GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL

Answer 5

Under the circumstances, be a good mother to your daughter and bring her up with all the love and affection you can give. When you daughter slowly grows up she will herself know what is right and who is wrong, etc. Right now, concentrate on her upbringing and work hard both at home and at work so that you are well off both physically, financially and mentally. Don't make silly things worry you and let the life takes its natural course. I mean, whatever has to happen will happen no matter how hard you to try to curb it but if you are true to yourself and to your daughter, the bond which develops between you becomes strong and long lasting and no force on earth can separate it.

Answer 6

You should try to keep your daughter from this guy or girl that you are talking about, but be aware that when you do, don't do the same mistake that my mom did... What she did was to move us around way too much, that isn't healthy... Try to get a form that'll keep these people away for a few months... This'll be hard for you, but sometimes, it's for the best, but when they cross the line, you know that you would have to get the police... This is the only thing that I can think of, PLUS, don't fight with them, it'll only make the problem worst... TRUST ME, I've seen it. Be careful.
You're going to have to tell your daughter the truth sooner or later, also DON'T LIE TO YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!! If you do you'll end up feeling guilty, unless you can tell her when she gets older.

Answer 7

You're current husband legally adopted your daughter, right?
That means that her father had to sign away his parental rights, and that means you don't have to let him take her or even talk to her, since he has no parental rights any more.
So, why are you letting him take her?
Change your phone number, and lose contact with his family and you'll put an end to the madness and lies and you won't have to worry about it any more.
If she asks, tell your daughter that her father hasn't called you, and you won't be lying since he won't have the new number to call. Just don't tell her why he hasn't called and if she asks, just tell her you're not sure. (Again, not a lie, it's an unfinished thought, but no lie).
If he shows up at your door to talk to your daughter, you and your current husband should always supervise the visit and don't let him take her anywhere.
And yes, call the police if you feel it necessary for the protection of your daughter.

Answer 8

I agree with everyone else. Your responsiblity is to your daughter. Your family member is not doing your daughter a favor, she is putting these ideas in her head and confusing her. Therefore, I would not allow this family member around your daughter without your presence. Good luck.

Answer 9

Dealing with family is very difficult as quite often people seem to have their own agenda running.When things are 2nd 3rd hand information can get distorted even innocently. Well intentioned family members may try to redress the balance, as they see it.
Calmness in your question to the relative is the best approach, but be aware that she may be cagey 'cos she expects you not to approve of the birth fathers contact.
I would definitely seek advice from someone who is detached from this situation. Try your doctor or Citizens Advice Bureau.
But even though your child is adopted she will one day want to know (for herself..) about her father and maybe even need to know of any family genetics.
Is it not possible to let her see her father, he may have changed a little. I imagine that you have a lot of animosity towards your ex-husband.It is good to protect your child from harm but it would rebound on you eventually if you kept her away from her father as a punishment to him for his past misdemeanors. Imagine the outcome to your child if you remain calm and fair to your child,your ex and yourself. Think how it would feel to you to not have any access to your child.
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=should+father+have+access.&fr=ush-ans
Hope the outcome is good for all.

Answer 10

Get your facts straight before going to the authorities, then do whatever you need to do because it's your responsibility to protect your daughter. She must be your first consideration at all times!!!

Answer 11

do whatever is right according to the law for the sake of your kid. don't let your emotion control you. how can a mother, a real mother kidnap her child? tell that to yourself and make your kid understand that by showing her how much you and your husband love her. do the right thing now or be sorry later.