Need Advice!!?

Question

I am trying to find my true self and live a Christian lifestyle. My problem is letting go of anger. I was abused growing up and had a father who's only way of communicating was yelling, throwing something across the room, hitting, punching, and calling myself, my sister, and I horrible names. My parents divorced three years ago and since then my Mom has become very ill mentally. She has always struggled, throughout my childhood, with bipolar disorder, neediness, and obsessive compulsive disorder; however, when she tried living alone, after my Dad left it just didn't work out so human services removed her from her home into a group home two years ago. I have so much anger and hate in me and blame my Dad for what my Mother has been going through; however, to truly live a Christian lifestyle I must forgive my Dad and move on. How can I do this? I have lifted up the phone several times to call him, but I can't bring myself to do it.

My sister and I aren't real close...we talk on occassion. She does tell me that our Dad sounds down/depressed and that he asks about me and my daughter, whom he has never met, all the time.

I sent my Dad a letter about two years ago...a hate letter full of anger about how I feel towards him and how my Mom was slowly going downhill and that her condo would probably have to be sold. Since then, I have only seen him once. That was at my sisters' children's birthday party two years ago.

If I do get up the courage to call him, I plan on letting him do most of the talking...or try to.

Answer 1

There is a very old saying, the longest journey begins with the first step. The only one who can transform and heal your life is Jesus Christ. And do not doubt for a moment that He can. But it will not happen overnight.

Do you have a good bible teaching church that you go to? Are you in a bible study? Do you have Christian friends? Don't expect all these things, that you described, to be fixed in an instant. God can give back what the locusts took away. He can give you the garment of praise for a spirit of despair, He can give the oil of joy for mourning. He can transform your past, change your perspective, take your anger and give you peace. The thing you must do is this: seek first His kingdom, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Seek Jesus Christ, learn of Him, pray to Him, learn His word, be a doer of His word. Over time He will heal everything and you will look back and say "praise God for this".

Answer 2

Here is what I think. Things didn't workout between your parents. That is not either your or your sisters fault. There is nothing you could have done and nothing you can do now, it was their adult decision, as sad as that seems.

Your mother has her own struggles and certainly your father does also but his are just more noticable. I am sorry that your childhood was not enjoyable because of your father and his anger managment problems.

Perhaps you should call your father just to say hi and give him an update of how you are doing. If he really didn't do anything to YOU personally and you are simply sticking up for your mother than perhaps that is not fair to him. Maybe there are things that your mother did to make him get angry and throw things (not that that is a good excuse) but there really are two sides to every story.

I say if you think about hijm often and go for the phone and just can't quite make the call DO IT. It doesn't make you good or bad, there is no judegment. Remember, time is pending, it always passes no matter what. What you do in this life matters and will matter to your daughter too. Maybe you can introduce them and they can have a good healthy relationship between grandfather and grandaughter. Try not to be too bitter, though it is understandable, just don't deny present and future happiness, over the remembrance of past pain! Do what your conscience tells you, and to me it seems like it will whisper PICK UP THE PHONE, Good Luck in your decision

Answer 3

I had a lot of anger to for my 1st husband i stayed in the marriage for almost 20 years because he threaten to take the kids if I left or kill them if i left ,i was beat every Holiday and a lot of time on weekend when he did all his drinking....and I was sexually abused by a uncle and i had a problem at the beginning of my Christian life...and finally after i heard a preacher say if I couldn't forgive ,how could i expect God to forgive me ...so I did ,I didn't tell them because one was dead and the other never felt like he was doing anything wrong, but I forgive him in my heart...and I felt like a big weight had been lifted....that don't mean we are now buddy pals,it just i put the passed behind me and live for the future and i don't look back ...so i hope that has helped...and it will take a while but soon one day you realize you have'nt thought about that person and what they did in a long time and that's when you know you've really forgiven them...

Answer 4

He put you in an emotional wheel chair. You can't get out of it. You'll always be in it, and its because of him. My husband also was physically abused by his father. He's in his 40's now, and talks to his dad maybe five times since I've known him (over 20 years) He's forgiven his dad, and he's kept his distance. I, however, still hold a grudge, and the man never laid a finger on me. I feel cold flames of anger burning all around me like a cheezy anime cartoon. I can feel my gaze become hard as marbles. The man disgusts me, and if God forgives him, then I do, but if God doesn't, then I'll be glad. I'm civil to him when we meet, but that's as far as I'll go. He has his feelings too, and he knows not to argue with me. He's never tried it. I think I intimidate him.

I hope you find a champion, and I hope you resolve this issue, since you share half of his genetic make-up. Perhaps what needs to happen is a healing of the generations, not just what went on between you and him. Perhaps somewhere farther back in your ancestry, there was a really bad person who affected your dad. Ancestral healing. You may need it.

Answer 5

Just forgive him and God will hear you. Who says you have to actually talk to your dad to receive forgiveness? All sin is committed against God, not a person. If someone hurts one of His own, it's like they're doing it to Him. Just as when someone helps the least of his children they are helping Him. Am I making any sense to you? You are the one being hurt, but God is being hurt also because you are hurting.

I'm sorry for the trouble you have had in your life. I'm very happy that you are turning to Christ for guidance and love and understanding. May you be blessed by God with wisdom and most of all peace in your life.

In Christ, John

P.s. You can also write him a letter. You don't even have to send it, just write one for your own sanity. I think it may help with the anger and hate that you're feeling. I would be completely honest and just let it all out. Then ask God for forgiveness, repent of your sins, burn the letter...yes, burn it...and remember and know that God has forgiven and forgotten and you should let those feelings of hate and anger burn up right along with the paper it's printed on. Don't let it drag you down a moment longer.

Answer 6

If you don't want to call, I suggest you write him a letter instead. Tell him how you feel - your bad memories, your hurt, your questions, etc. regarding his behavior as you were growing up. Ask him WHY he acted like that. Give him a chance to explain and apologize and maybe that will break the ice between you.

Also, you state that you have a lot of anger and hate and blame in you. That sounds just like your father - angry and hateful and blaming. Perhaps in seeing those same feelings in yourself, you can better understand your father. His actions caused your bad feelings, but what caused his? Maybe in answering your letter, he can put a finger on it and you will all have a better understanding and work it out, eventually being able to forgive and heal.

I wish you the best.

Answer 7

Wow! Did your story hit home with me! My parents also divorced when I was an adult and it just makes you stop and wonder if your whole life was a lie, doesn't it? The good news is....it's over and done with. That part of your life is GONE. You can't go back and fix it and you wouldn't WANT TO dwell on it...no good memories there...so what to do? As a Christian I heard a song on the radio that touched me to my soul! It's called "Leave It There" by Tanya Goodman Sikes (I think that's how she spells it!) anyway the song goes like this:

Leave it there, leave it there
Take your burden to the Lord
Oh & leave it there
If you trust and never doubt
He will surely bring you out
Take your burden to the Lord
Leave it there

If the world from you withholds
of it's silver and it's gold
and you have to get along on meager fare
just remember in His Word
how He feeds the little bird
take your burden to the Lord
Leave it there

If your body suffers pain
and your health you can't regain
and your soul is almost sinking in despair
Jesus knows the pain you feel
He can save and He can heal
take your burden to the Lord
Leave it There

If you can get a copy of it - the whole CD is good and very uplifting. The title of the CD is "Innocent Eyes"

That's the secret of letting it all go sweetie. We have to take it to the cross and leave it there. The taking it part is easy it's the leaving it part that's hard. Especially if you like to be "in control" like I do. With every circumstance in my life death of loved ones, divorce, molestation as a child....absolutely everything has been removed from my heart by leaving it at the cross. I have forgiven my Father for leaving my Mother. I forgave the molester who took my innocence. I forgave my husband who broke my heart. Don't get me wrong. I had to go through the grieving process. That's God's way of helping us heal. After that process we have to let it go.

As for your Dad, be the bigger person. Pick up the phone. Be Christlike and make the first move. Forgive him even if he never asks for forgiveness and never wants it. That is irrelevant. You have to do it to move on. It does sound like you dad's heart is softening though. By forgiving him you may be able to lead him to Christ by your example.

That done put your blinders on and look only towards the future. One moment of dwelling in the past is a moment of lost joy. You'll never get it back and the present therefore becomes the past we regret.

God bless you sweetie! Keep fighting the good fight! I'm praying for God to give you strength and to help you find that place of forgiveness and release in your heart.

Answer 8

First think about the negative affect this anger you have inside affects you. I am sure it makes you feel awful inside and I am sure you feel depressed over it. Sometimes its very very hard to forgive somebody for the wrong they do to us but the reason you must forgive is because if you dont it will only eat at you for the rest of your life and turn you into a bitter person, look at what it is doing to you now. Your father was wrong in the way he treated you, I am sure he knows this or he wouldnt be feeling so down now. Most of all you need to think about what kind of impact this can have on your child. Teaching your child forgivness is one of the most important things you can teach. Sometimes it takes some deep soul searching to let go of painful memories but I am sure you can defeat all this anger you have inside with the help of god.

Answer 9

Ask God to help ready your heart. Maybe you need to discuss certain things with him before you can truly forgive him, like explaining to him how his actions made you fell ;(ie scared, hurt, angry, depressed), and how they are still effecting you to this very day. I've come to realize that people such as your father are often so wrapped up in their own misery that they can't always empathize with how they've hurt others. Perhaps an open frank discussion, (while it may be hard, and even a bit intimidating to do) might help you on your road to forgiveness. One day he'll be gone, but if you don't resolve this anger issue, eventually, it will come back to haunt YOUR children in some way, so please make haste; do it for YOUR sake, and set yourself FREE!

God Bless you!

Answer 10

Dont force yourself to forgive him just yet. I think you need to let the anger flow through your veighns. Even maybe let him know how angry you are for what has happenned. When you are through that stage, you will start to automatically feel peace with the situation. But that would come after lots of prayer & hope. I am sure that once you pass the anger, you will learn to love & forgive. Remember that it wont make you less of a christian to cut your ties with those who pose a negative threat on your well-being. Just beleive that you have changed for the good. Who knows, maybe your father will be inspired by you & he will change too. That for you could be the presence of God in you.