Need help, misbehaving child causing a mental breakdown?

Question

My daughter, who is 5 today, is becoming a problem child. (Her father has ADHD; perhaps she inherited hyperactivity.) The last few months she has been misbehaving more and more. She does not listen to anything anyone says, she will not obey, pick up, stop whining, be quiet or settle down, and she will not stop destroying things (the latest stunt is cutting up - with her safety scissors! - her fabric-covered Disney Princess lounge chair). I have tried everything - rewards, time out, yelling, being patient and understanding, and yes, I have tried spanking. Two-thirds of the time she is sweet and loving, but a third of the time she is destructive, incorrigible, reckless and impossible. Someone please tell me what to do. Granted, the last few months I have been going through a divorce with her father - but it is amicable, we BOTH show her our love for her, and NOTHING is an excuse for this kind of behavior. I am at the end of my rope.

Answer 1

It sounds like ADHD to me. My son was ADHD REAL BAD. We took a whole year diagnosing him with his pediatrician , teachers, and psychologist involved. I remember once when he went to the psychologist , she asked if he ever stole stuff. Well he was like 5 years old so I said well, just little stuff like all kids but, when we got back home she called and asked if my son just so happened to take any action figures from her office because she had a ton of them and they were all missing so after checking his pockets I discovered he had stole every one of her action figures which we both laughed about because that pretty much answered her one question about stealing stuff. She should be evaluated now because it will really mess with her if she is not treated and take the time to discover the right meds for her. I went round and round with my sons meds trying to get the right combination but, when they are right your child will be the best. My sons psychologist told me once that when she asked my son if he could be anyone in the world and she had a magic wand and could grant his wish he said "I just want to be a good boy" Well, needless to say that completely broke my heart and I vowed I would do everything to make that possible. They do not know they are obnoxious and they are usually very bright in certain areas. There are some very famous people who are ADHD. Bill Gates for one

Answer 2

1. Even an amicable divorce is going to be very hard for a child to understand. All she knows is her Daddy is not there. Chances are she feels some guilt over it and very possibly some fear that she will be asked to leave as well. She may also see the bad behavior as a way to get Daddy to come home. This is not an excuse, but a reason.

2. Most 5 yr. olds become more difficult to manage than they were before. It is part of their attempts to find the boundries in their world and to establish freedom. However, while they are doing all of this, they prefer if nothing changes in the part of thier lives they turn to for comfort and stability. Again, the divorce is probably adding to the natural developmental issues.

3. If ADHD is a possibility, then I would suggest a visit to the peds to have her evaluated. If it turns out she is diagnosed, the next step would be to notify the schools as she would be eligable for services if she was found to qualify. This would include working with a school psychologist.

4. If she is in school, the psychologist may be something to pursue anyway. This will give her an outlet for some of her more negative emoitions and someone you can get some guidance from on ways to handle the behaviors.

Do not be afraid to find a good child psychologist or family therapist to help you with your daughter. This is not a sign of bad parenting, but the opposite. You recognize you are in unfamiliar waters and need some help to figure out how to get through them to be the best parent possible. It also does not mean your daughter is "crazy" or even "difficult". It simply means that there are a lot of things she simply hasn't figured out yet.

All you can do for now is to stay firm and consistent. Develop a set of rules and hold her to them. It is easy to let things slide when it's the end of a long day and you're tired and trying to do all the things you need to, but that is precisely when it is most important to stay firm. Both you and her father should come up with a list of consequences for specifice behaviors...talking back, destruction of property, refusint to listen, etc...and both of you should use it as well as support whatever punishments may have been earned while staying with the other. By providing a united front, not only will she learn quickly she can not play one of you off the other, but she will realize that you are both still parenting her together, even if you live apart.

Answer 3

That is really too bad. She went off the rails somewhere. Not enough information to really tell what happened. I will say that kids need order and structure at an early age. Need to have life conducted as almost a ritual. Same time for everything. Predictability. If she's this bad now, the divorce is going to destroy her. There's no such thing as an "amicable" divorce for a kid. Parents think kids don't know what's going on. Wrong. They have their little antennae up and they're really tuned to anything that's even slightly out of phase in their world. You have to realize just how small that world is. For a kid, their whole existence is within the four walls of the house. Disharmony between their parents, any sort of hostility, causes little cognitive earthquakes in their little brains. Some kids can cope, And some are super-sensitive to negativity. For some, their world is coming to an end. Just wait til she's twelve, and pregnant. It's very difficult for young people to realize that after they have a kid, it's no longer about them anymore, it's all about the kid. Parents have to put their personal life on hold. When is the last time your husband held her in his lap and read to her? All little girls should be "Daddy's Little Girl" and little boys should all be "Dad's Manly-Man". Dunno what you can do now. With her father out of her life it's gonna be real tough. There are a few kids that can take that in stride. Most can't. And a few go off the deep end. Pretty tragic. I would guess the only thing left to to is drug her into a mellow stupor. That will permit you to continue your own life and fulfill your own gratifications unhindered.

Answer 4

If I had to guess, I'd say it's because of the divorce. No matter how amicable it is, she's bound to be worried. Her homelife is changing presumablly and she is now being bounced back and forth between two parents. Please note that I am not blaming you in any way for this, you have to do what you have to do. If I were you, I would try picking one punishment and sticking with it every single time. Don't bribe her to behave one day and then use time out the next. Do the same thing for every single offense. If possible, get your ex-husband on the same page, so that you can make sure that he's using the same punishment techniques that you are while she's in his care. I doubt you'll see any improvement right away, it will probablly take a week or more. And for what it's worth, I would recommend as much stability and structure in her life right now as is feasible, even if she rebels against it. Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

Honey even though the divorce is amicable the child still picks up on the vibes, plus she out one parent who used to be living with her. Part of her safety net is gone. She's only five and even though she can understand a lot, that is a huge change for her. She's probably upset and not sure how to say it and acting out instead. Watch the times she's aciting out. Start a diary and write down what happened right before she does something bad, than right what she did that was bad then write down how you fixed it. You're going to notice some patterns. One of which might suprise you even though you and your husband are amicably getting this divorce. You'll also notice that you're not as consistant as you thought. Being consistant is sooo hard. Plus on top of that she's five! Did she start kindergaten at a new school? Between that stress and the divorce it could be too much.

Answer 6

"Granted, the last few months I have been going through a divorce with her father"

Sweetheart, kids pick up on your stress regardless of whether or not you are trying to show it! If you are going through a divorce, she knows something is going on, was more than likely aware there was a problem BEFORE Daddy didn't live with you anymore, etc....

Also, if you are stressed out about her not behaving, she is going to pick up on that too...I know my son does & the more upset with him I get, the more he acts up. She is also probably looking for some attention...and she's getting it by misbehaving! As long as she isn't hurting herself or anyone else (although cutting things up IS VERY frustrating, it's just a chair, it can be replaced), just IGNORE her bad behavior! Shower her with hugs and kisses when she IS behaving...and tell her you love her NO MATTER WHAT!

Answer 7

I'm sorry but I don't see how you can say "it isn't the divorce we are going through"!! I don't care if you and your ex are bestest buddies the people that she loves the most are splitting up and her whole little world is changing. Also this whole experience is compounded for a 5 year old that already demonstrates some problematic behavior and who probably is wondering if the whole thing is her fault. Given the two strikes against this kid I'd run not walk to the nearest mental health clinic in your area and get both of you some counseling. You have too high of expectations for this kid given her behavioral issues and stress levels.

Answer 8

That's the problem today, too many homes are child-centered, with very little respect for authority. People used too say , children should be seen and not heard. Nowadays it's, parents should be seen and not heard. Parents are afraid of their kids. They've lost the power to say NO! Or, if they do say it, they don't make it stick. We have been brain-washed with " love is enough ", and we don't really know what love is. We think we must give a child his own way at all times. The end result of this belief is clearly seen in the rising tide of juvenile delinquency today.
We were lead to believe that everything we said or did to our children would have an everlasting effect on them for the good or bad. As a result, we parents have become so guilt-ridden that we are afraid to discipline our kids. Were afraid to act like parents. We are so anxious for our kids to love us that we are afraid to punish them for disobedience. We somehow have forgotten that an undisciplined child is an unhappy child who eventually becomes an unsuccessful, unproductive adolescent and adult. No wonder most of us parents are surprised when the child's natural reaction will be to turn against the ones who should have prepared him for life and to reward their love with hate.
In the families where we see respectful, responsible children, there are two essential ingredients; love and discipline. If either is missing, disaster results. Children must respect their parents. This is the basis of all their future relationships, with the school, the law, and society. Of course, we first must merit our children's respect, and then we must command it.
Unquestionably, some misbehavior is not necessarily a challenge to our authority, because it is not willful disobedience. And it should be handled accordingly. But when a child deliberately defies a parent, by word or action, the time has come for some realistic woodshed therapy.
When you tell your little girl to do something and she disobeys you, she's daring you to take her on in the challenge. You have to realize who's in charge here, if you don't meet her challenge, be prepared for other confrontations. Whenever she displays this challenging behavior, you have to win without question. She has to know who's in charge.
A child wants to know who's in charge and he wants to be controlled, but he wants you, the parent, to earn the right to control. Only a parent who can govern himself can properly govern a child.
Punishment which is given out in weak inconsistency, according to the parent's moods, confuses a child. Discipline given in a harsh, tryannical, unloving attitude can also destroy her. But a child will never be really damaged when we first carefully explain the rules and the punishment for breaking them and then have enforced the rules in a firm, controlled manner. We must believe that punishment is not something that we do the child but rather something that we do for the child.
Once you've laid down rules, never flinch or take the easy way out. Give in just once to any of your rules and your sunk, back to square one.
Once more, clearly define your boundaries in advance and when you are defiantly challenged, respond with confident decisiveness. This becomes easier when you can distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility. And most importantly, comfort and teach her when the confrontation is over.
God Bless and Good Luck!

Answer 9

This is something you need to discuss with your child's doctor. Tell him that the father has ADHD and about all the stress your daughter has been under. One thing you need to do is take away the scissors. Have you tried 123 Magic? There is a video, you can check out at the Library. If your at wits end, have her evaluated by your school district. Maybe she will qualify for special ed services. She needs to get this under control before she starts school.

Answer 10

I would have her tested for ADHD..
It is better to find out now rather than later...
And you as her parents must realize she is still going through trauma even if you are being respectful to each other and even if she is getting the attention from both of you...
She still does not have her mommy and daddy together... That is a lot for a five year old to handle...

The biggest piece of advice I could give is let your yes mean yes and your no mean NO!
No matter how tired you both are...
She will test you she is a child...
Stay calm even when you feel like you have had it... Remember she is the child. Going through lots of changes...
Best wishes to you...