Need help, misbehaving child causing a mental breakdown?

Question

My daughter, who is 5 today, is becoming a problem child. (Her father has ADHD; perhaps she inherited hyperactivity.) The last few months she has been misbehaving more and more. She does not listen to anything anyone says, she will not obey, pick up, stop whining, be quiet or settle down, and she will not stop destroying things (the latest stunt is cutting up - with her safety scissors! - her fabric-covered Disney Princess lounge chair). I have tried everything - rewards, time out, yelling, being patient and understanding, and yes, I have tried spanking. Two-thirds of the time she is sweet and loving, but a third of the time she is destructive, incorrigible, reckless and impossible. Someone please tell me what to do. Granted, the last few months I have been going through a divorce with her father - but it is amicable, we BOTH show her our love for her, and NOTHING is an excuse for this kind of behavior. I am at the end of my rope.

Answer 1

Your daughter sounds like a bundle of energy who could be bored and needs more stimulation. Try giving her a lot of productive things to do. Give her little jobs to do that interest her, let her run around in the backyard and be destructive there to get her energy out.

Answer 2

1. Even an amicable divorce is going to be very hard for a child to understand. All she knows is her Daddy is not there. Chances are she feels some guilt over it and very possibly some fear that she will be asked to leave as well. She may also see the bad behavior as a way to get Daddy to come home. This is not an excuse, but a reason. 2. Most 5 yr. olds become more difficult to manage than they were before. It is part of their attempts to find the boundries in their world and to establish freedom. However, while they are doing all of this, they prefer if nothing changes in the part of thier lives they turn to for comfort and stability. Again, the divorce is probably adding to the natural developmental issues. 3. If ADHD is a possibility, then I would suggest a visit to the peds to have her evaluated. If it turns out she is diagnosed, the next step would be to notify the schools as she would be eligable for services if she was found to qualify. This would include working with a school psychologist. 4. If she is in school, the psychologist may be something to pursue anyway. This will give her an outlet for some of her more negative emoitions and someone you can get some guidance from on ways to handle the behaviors. Do not be afraid to find a good child psychologist or family therapist to help you with your daughter. This is not a sign of bad parenting, but the opposite. You recognize you are in unfamiliar waters and need some help to figure out how to get through them to be the best parent possible. It also does not mean your daughter is "crazy" or even "difficult". It simply means that there are a lot of things she simply hasn't figured out yet. All you can do for now is to stay firm and consistent. Develop a set of rules and hold her to them. It is easy to let things slide when it's the end of a long day and you're tired and trying to do all the things you need to, but that is precisely when it is most important to stay firm. Both you and her father should come up with a list of consequences for specifice behaviors...talking back, destruction of property, refusint to listen, etc...and both of you should use it as well as support whatever punishments may have been earned while staying with the other. By providing a united front, not only will she learn quickly she can not play one of you off the other, but she will realize that you are both still parenting her together, even if you live apart.

Answer 3

Ok....I have a 6 year old with ADHD and he causes problems at home all the time. He sees a therapist once a week and we have him on a diet that helps with the hyper activity. Even if she doesn't have ADHD she may be acting out because of the divorce. Going to a therapist could help because she will have someone that she can talk to about it and not feel like she has to pretend everything is fine. She may be trying to please the both of you and not wanting to make either of you feel she is choosing between you........which is a big self responsibility she may have taken on.

I would take her to a Child Psychologist just to get help with the possible ADHD and the things stemming from the divorce. Also to let you know.....a child with ADHD will cause caouse because it soothes them. A good book to read is Healing ADD the Author is Daniel G Amen, M.D. It can give you tips on parenting a ADHD child and tips for a diet that can help with the hyperactivity and the behavioral problems. The main thing is to be loving and try not to over react when she acts out....also consistency is the key....you cannot waiver on any rules you have. I know exactly what you are going through and I feel for you. I hope that this will help you and if you need someone to talk to about this feel free to contact me. Good Luck and try to keep your head up.

Answer 4

It's clear why your daughter is acting out, her life is coming apart, mommy and daddy are separating. That's nothing new to you, and I agree, no matter the issues, children still need to answer for misbehavior.
You said you use spanking. I would ask how you spank? Some parents think a spanking is a simple 1 or 2 swats on the covered bottom. Not here. We call that what it is, a swat. A spanking in our home consists of taking my girls to a privet area (there room) pulling down pants and putting them over our lap for a good dozen sharp spanks on the bottom. I know it sounds harsh but if you make a spanking a serious event and not just a reaction, you will find you do much less of them. Better to nip this in the bud now then later.

Good Luck

Answer 5

I was a very rebellious/belligerent child. Everyone spanked me... my grandfather said that he spanked me more than all his children and grandchildren put together. I believe if they had not spanked me, I would have ended up in prison or worse. As it is, I have had zero infractions of the law in my life (not even a speeding ticket). But, they also gave me lots and lots of positive reinforcement (that is just as important). I love them with all my heart and I'm so glad they wailed on my bottom... I really needed it. You just have to be consistent!
Those people who give those rubbishy arguments against spanking don't have a clue. I have a super high self-esteem and spanking didn't teach me to hit... I got spanked for hitting people. Look at how the children are ending up these days. Just how many school shootings, violence, rebellion, etc. have we had from children who were not spanked? As people quit spanking more and more, these things will continually go up more and more. Just look at the statistics from back in the days when people spanked. Spare the rod...

Answer 6

Make an appointment at the Pediatricians and also sign up for a parenting class. You are all over the place, trying everything and succeeding at nothing. I am not trying to be rude. Read some books on child rearing for her age, get doctors advice and join a class. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Children know what to expect and feel safe when they have a set routine. Change the routine or fail to have one in the first place is setting yourself up for disaster.

Divorce or not, make sure her life is predictable for her. That goes for rules and consequences too. Each rule broken has a consequence! Childern will "test" when it works for them. Behavior is learned. She is obviously getting some reward by her behavior. Even bad behavior can have a reward, possibly it is your attention. Acting out is a good way to get mommy to pay attention to you.

Answer 8

very strange. She seems to not just be having the normal tantrums out of anger. It seems to be 'attention grasping', even though it is negative.
try seeing a child psychologist. Also, try asking her what she thinks of the divorce. if you haven't already, try getting your husband with you to explain to her together what it is, why you're doing it, and how it will affect her.
Try telling her that it hurts your feelings when she acts like that. a five year old should have some empathy, I would think.
good luck.

Answer 9

You need to take her to her pediatrician. This problem seems like it needs medical attention. The divorce could be the root of the problem. You both may show her love and keep her out of whats going on, but she still knows something isnt right.

Answer 10

firstly, im a firm believer in not blaming behavior on adhd, or any other behavior problem..it gives them a reason for their actions, instead of taking responsibilty for their own actions. secondly, id seek a child psychiatrist..someone wholl specialise in behavioral issues. also its great that you and the dad are working together on this..its shows her stability! best of luck to you all!!