So this past week I flew up to minnesota to visit my dying grandma. My mom really disrespected me. She insisted on me buying her ciggeretts and I didn't believe in supporting her habit, she harassed me about it constantly. She even accuses ME of being selfish! She embarassed me in public by taking cig butts from the ashtray outside the grocery store and asking people at the nursing home my grandma was staying at to "bum" some cigs. I left minnesota back home with a bad feeling. She's pretty much been like this my whole life....
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD CUT HER OUT OF MY LIFE? I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. SHE EMBARASSES ME SO MUCH.
SHE NEEDS TO BE IN A PSYCH WARD.
SHE'S AN ALCOHOLIC
SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, PLEASE HELP.
2006-10-26 11:23:20 · 18 answers · asked by twistedangel4023 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Your mother is losing her own mother. That is a horrible, horrible, thing no matter who the mother or child is If your mother is someone who is an alcoholic, as you say, you have to ask whether she has had something in her life that has been so difficult to cope with she once resorted to using alcohol in order to stop feeling as if she was about to lose her mind or kill herself. Once addicted, as we all know, things go downhill.
With regard to whether she smokes and whether smoking may give her whatever it takes to feel she can deal with what's going on - becoming a smoker was her choice. It isn't up to you to decide whether she should smoke or not, and if you can be so cold-hearted as to decide you "don't want to enable her" when her mother is dying; then it may not be your mother who needs the professional help.
There are times in this world when the very people who care about others are the very people who try so hard or hurt so much they make the mistake of turning to smoking or drinking or doing whatever else. Those people in the nursing home have seen people losing their parents before. They know what its like and why some people would want a cigarette. They probably wondered what the hell was wrong with your mother's daughter that would make her not buy her own mother a package of cigarettes at this particular time.
Nicotine withdrawal isn't something the person with a dying mother wants to go through, and maybe if your mother hadn't had anything to drink she just needed the "help" of a smoke to get through the immediate situation. If your mother has had problems your whole life there's even the chance that that bothers her so much she can't allow herself to think about that either!!
When she asked you to buy her cigarettes she was asking you, essentially, to do something that would help her feel better for just a while. That's not disrespecting you. That is the very normal and reasonable thing of hoping one's own child will not turn her back in such a time of need (whether or not the need to smoke is something a non-smoker can understand).
Whether your mother has a personality disorder or needs mental health help is a separate issue. The situation you described is pretty outrageous as far as your amazing abililty to remain cold-hearted throughout this awful situation goes.
Your mother could be a person frought with problems or someone who has made the mistake of starting to smoke years ago, but your question makes the reader think you are the one who should seek out some counseling so you can sort out whatever issues you have or so you can gain some insight and perspective into any issues/problems your mother has (and may have always had). I'm not being fresh when I say you should find a counselor to help you sort all this out. It seems clear you need someone objective to offer some insight.
From what you said, your mother has failed you in the past (separate from this recent cigarette thing). The difficult thing is that if a child doesn't have the kind of mother who knows how to help him/her have understanding of some of the complexities of people and to have some degree of compassion and empathy, the child grows up at a disadvantage - as you probably have. Chances are your mother didn't fail you intentionally - no matter how messed up or not messed up she has been or is. Your mother could be at her house today, wondering what she did to cause her own child to grow up so unfeeling - and she could be beating herself up over that.
Your situation is difficult enough that you really probably would benefit from finding a really good counselor to help you sort things out and understand some thing better. Aside from everything else, though, the situation with the cigarettes and your mother is both understandable and something other people wouldn't see as any reflection of you other than wondering if, maybe, you didn't have the money to buy her some.
Your mother will probably never be the kind of person you wish she could be, but maybe she's not as bad as she seems to you either. Why not try to understand better what you're dealing with (whether that be her personality or your own issues that have resulted from your childhood) and try to have a good-enough relatinship with your mother as things are.
People on this site can't help, but a professional (the right one) can probably help. Best wishes.
2006-10-26 13:44:04 · answer #1 · answered by WhiteLilac1 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your mother needs to get her problems straightened out. If your mom tells you on buying her cigarettes, tell her in a soft voice, "Mom, I don't want to support your habit of smoking. You know it's not good for your lungs. I'm not going to buy them for you." The moment you say, "okay," you're being an enabler. An enabler lets someone do something bad when that person (the enabler) has control over it. When you buy your mom cigarettes, you're being an enabler. Don't be an enabler. It'll only make your relationship worsen.
Tell her to cut it out. If she tells you no back-talking, tell her that she needs to stop embarrassing you. If she doesn't understand how you feel, try embarrassing her in public. Then she might feel an ounce of sympathy for you.
Don't cut your mom out of your life. Many teenagers are like this, and when they become adults, they regret it. Try to work things out with her. Talk to her, and tell her what you think are her problems and ask her what she has against you. Don't argue during those talks. Just agree, and promise that you'll try to change. Make your mom do the same.
I hope I helped you at least a little bit. Good luck!
2006-10-26 11:53:09 · answer #2 · answered by randkcarpenterfan 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My mom is such a backstabber, and she gets upset over everything, I ignore it sometimes, and she gives me bad stares. Your mother should never ask someone who is against her smoking to buy her cigarettes. Your mom is so mentally blocked that her substance abuse overcomes her love for her children. SHE NEEDS HELP. I knew a lady that was so overdosed on drugs that she stole my camera and I gave birth right after that and didn't have a camera because the hospital shop was closed to take pictures of my daughter's birth. You know what the lady never apologized, she smoked, drank, and did drugs a lot. She had a heart attack at 47 and died. i know that this will sound bad, but payback is something that god does very well, she stole something I will never get back ever, and god took her life after that. Your mom might pass away a drunk, and that's how you will remember her, Ask her if she needs your help. If not, tell her to get some.
2006-10-26 16:14:50 · answer #3 · answered by fourcheeks4 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's so hard...I mean, it's your mom but then at the same time you don't like how she treats you...I know exactly what you are talking about.
I decided that I had to behave in a way that I can feel good about and be proud of. I asked myself, "If she got run over by a car tomorrow, how would I feel if I hadn't talked with her, or if the last thing I said was mean."
Since then I keep in contact, we talk and see each other once in a while, but I do NOT allow her to drag me into an arguement. If she says something mean, I don't respond and if I need to cut the chat or visit short, I do so.
I realized that I only have control over my own actions and reactions. She is who she and will behave as she will.
You need to do what you can live with. You need to decide how much contact you want to have with her and how close you want to be. You have the power to control your part in this relationship. It's not easy, but you can do it, and feel good about yourself!
Good luck!!
2006-10-26 11:40:02 · answer #4 · answered by seaelen 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I would try to have a talk with her, and let her know how she embarrasses you, and that she really needs help with her alcohol and other problems. if she doesn't listen to you, then let her know (if you are old enough and have elsewhere to live) that you can't be around her when she's like this. It's not right for you to have to buy her cigarettes. Let her know it's not up to you to support her bad habits. So until she can step up and admit she has problems and is willing to fix them, you should get away. I'm sure you love your mom dearly, and you want what is best for her, but it isn't healthy to be around that.
I hope the best for you and your mom.
2006-10-26 11:34:31 · answer #5 · answered by m930 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I agree that your mom totally disrespected you. It is rude for anyone to expect you to pay for something no matter how old you are. You are not her keeper and shouldn't have to support her bad habits. I do think you should distance yourself from your mom. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you are old enough to make a responsible decision. I had to distance myself from my father for almost 20 years. I am talking to him now, but he is still very disrespectful to me, my husband, and my oldest child, so I limit how much time I spend with him. I would say let her know how you feel and how her behavior affects you and that you don't want to be around when she is acting like that. Try to do it respectfully, but do let her know that unless she can act ike an adult you can't be around her. I hope you can work it out at some point in your life.
2006-10-26 12:02:46 · answer #6 · answered by kerijeanbean 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
There comes a point in life when the parent/child role gets reversed, and you've hit it. Your mother is acting like a child--acting out to irritate you and push your buttons.
If you remained calm in the face of her outbursts, then good for you. Don't let her behavior embarrass you (remember the old saying, "Never argue with an idiot; bystanders can't tell the difference.").
If you have children, consider how to respond to your mother in a similar fashion as you would children. If not, then consider counseling to help you remain assertive. Don't cut her out of your life, just assert yourself and maintain your own dignity while you deal with her. Remember, it's OK to tell Mom, "Hey, when you act like this, I don't want to be around you." That's different than saying, "Get out of my life."
2006-10-26 11:45:23 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Put some distance between the two of you. No one need go through the abuse she's dishing out. Then, get counseling because it IS possible to have a relationship with such a person but you MUST prepare yourself and arm yourself against it.
2006-10-26 13:34:48 · answer #8 · answered by DelK 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. You need to learn to set limits on your mom's behavior around you and to hold those limits. She may be unhealthy but you don't have to be. Have relationship but on your terms. If she won't do that then she might have to deal with the consequences of her behavior, a daughter who doesn't want to be around her. It's really, really hard but you can do it and need to for your sanity.
2006-10-26 12:54:02 · answer #9 · answered by Sylvia M 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At this point in your life, if you are old enough, or living elsewhere, it probably would do you some good to disconnect from her. Maybe when you are older, & have gotten more "space" away from her, you will be able to re-contact her under different circumstances. Then again, maybe not. I totally disconnected from my father. He was abusive, and actually dangerous. We can't help who our parents are, and we don't "owe" them anything when they have done a very poor job in raising us.
2006-10-26 11:27:28 · answer #10 · answered by Just Ducky 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋