Mother in law gave gift back.?

Question

Last Christmas my husband and I bought my mother in law a beautiful jewellry box. On Christmas Day after enjoying a big dinner I prepared, and dealing with the constant arguing between my mother in law and my father in law (they were in middle of divorce at time), they left our home. The MIL left her gifts behind in our bathroom. At first I thought that she forgot them, but she phoned the next day and said that she will be downsizing her things to move from a large house to a smaller apartment and did not want the gift. I was incredibly hurt and felt her actions were cold and rude.

I do not feel like I want to give her anything this year, but will feel guilty when she sends gifts for us and the kids. Thought about sending her letter to not send us anything-would this be inappropriate? What would be the appropriate way to handle this.

Answer 1

As someone who downsized from a very large place to a very tiny place, I can sympathize with your mother-in-law. I had to get rid of more than half of what I owned two years ago because I downsized into a really small place.

I begged people to NOT buy me anything for Christmas. I explained that I was downsizing and had absolutely no room for what I already owned, never mind anything new. I asked that people either spend more on others or donate to a charity instead of giving me anything. People still went and bought me stuff anyway, and since the Salvation Army does not do pick-ups in my area, it all went in the trash.

It wasn't that I was "cold and rude". I simply had no room left. You can't fit 20 lbs of potatos into a 5 lb sack, and thats all there is to it.

The best thing to get a person who has already or is about to downsize is a gift certificate for a service (manicure, pedicure, etc) or a gift certificate to a restaurant.

It would have saved your feelings if she had just taken the gifts and dropped them off at the Salvation Army or something, but the way she did it allowed you to return the gifts and get your money back. Maybe she didn't handle it the best way regarding your feelings, but she at least was practical about it.

And if she didn't tell you about the downsizing before last Christmas, she should have so you would have known in advance not to get her a tangible gift.

Answer 2

You got mad, because you interpreted her action PERSONALLY !!!

Mistake. She is going thru a divorce and has a lot on her mind, she also knows she will have to get rid of things when she moves, there won't be enough room. So, she could have lied and taken the gift, to then throw it away. That would have been rude. But she was honest. Next Christmas get her something she needs and wishes for, ask her if need be, or get her a gift card for the restaurant she likes, or a gift card to bed, bath and beyond so she can choose something herself.

Do not be mad, she did proper by you. This in now way was an attack against you personally or the gift.

Answer 3

I must say, what she did is a bit odd! But I hardly think it was worth damaging familial relationships over.

The appropriate thing would've been for this to be settled a year ago. To ignore her at gift time this year would, in my opinion, be terribly inappropriate. Bringing it up at all would make you appear small and petty. It wouldn't be worth the risk to me.

Try to understand what she was going through, divorces are very stressful especially at Holiday time. If she's never done anything like this before, I doubt that she realized how her actions would be received.

Be kind (she is family after all) and give her something that requires no space as some of the previous answerers suggest......gift certificates for a service is a really good idea.

Answer 4

Sounds like she was going through a hard time, and even if she wasn't, we all make mistakes. She's your mother-in-law. You're stuck with her. You might as well make the most of it. Get her a gift. Don't live in the past so much, you miss the present that way and often mess up the future. What would be worse? You get her something and she rejects it again, or it's all awkward when you have to explain a situation she probably hasn't thought twice about for an entire year?

Love always win. If you act with love in mind, you'll be surprised by how well things turn out.

Answer 5

Her actions were cold and RUDE. Sounds like she was mad at her husband and taking it out on others. In keeping with her smaller abode I would send a gift of a scarf or earrings something that won't take up any space. Maybe some driving gloves. You could suggest that she buy gifts for the children only, We have done this in our family without any hard feelings. You are in a hard place and I feel for you, but try to get over the hurt feelings as she is your kids grandma.

Answer 6

I agree what she did was incredibly rude. I think she was trying to hurt her son as much as you and reflect the hurt she was feeling during her divorce.

I would give her a small gift card -very small. If you have the opportunity I would gently tell her you weren't sure what to get her after her behavior the year before.

I know it's hard being the bigger person. Just keep in mind she will always be part of your life and your children's life.

Hang in there!

Answer 7

It sounds like she was going through a really rough time when all this happened. Perhaps she did not realize how rude she came across or maybe, at the time, she did not care b/c her marriage was going to hell in a handbasket. Please try to have a little compassion and forgiveness for her. If she is downsizing, then perhaps just give her a nice card or have the kids make her a present (like color her a picture or something that they do themselves). Or you could even give her a gift card to her favorite store or restaurant. The graceful thing is to rise above someone else's rudeness, especially if that person is someone who is going to be in your life for a very long time. My best wishes to you.

Answer 8

That was very rude of her to return her gift. Even if she is downsizing, a jewellery box isn't a huge item or anything, and had she had her heart set on getting rid of the jewellery box, she should have done so without your knowledge. I think sending her a letter would be very appropriate - if she won't accept your gifts, why should you accept hers?

Answer 9

We went through this with my hubbies mom, it never failed we would plan and think of something really great for the kids and then she would end up getting it for them. My husband finally told her that we really appreciated her getting the kids things and they loved it all but sometimes we wanted to be the one to get them the over the edge gift instead of it always being from her and that although we didnt think she needed permission to get them anything would she please ask what we had in mind BEFORE she went shopping. It has worked out great, she wasn't offended and now when it is time for holidays and birthdays she always gives us a call and asks if we are planning on buying so and so if not she is. For now the damage is done she already did the ipod so return it to the store and give each of the girls the money to buy the cases and all the extras to go with it.

Answer 10

if a friend comes over to your house and tells you what a beautiful box it is - give it to her. let her know the story behind it, though. (that way it's regifting - but it's o.k.)

tell your mom in law that what she did last year hurt your feelings. don't hold it in any longer than you already have. these things have a way of eating us up inside. get it out and into the open. done. dealt with.
ask mom in law what she could USE. (gift certificate for hair cut ; massage ; home decore store ; insurance ; rent ) tell her you don't want to waste your time finding something for HER - for her to leave it somewhere (and laugh while saying it or she will think you are still mad).