will he judge me by my two arranged marriages ?????

Question

Dear Everyone,

I am a Pakistani American; I have been raised and brought up in the states. I was never born in Pakistan. I am an only daughter w/two brothers. I have had 2 arranged marriages that ended up in a divorce. My first husband was a psychotic, possessive, abusive person. I was married roughly for about 31/2 years, the end result I have a daughter with him (which he has never seen once). He was deported back to Pakistan when I was expecting (I was 22 yrs old). I stayed single for about 3 years after my first marriage fell apart. My parents received another marriage proposal for me, this guy was completely single but needed a green card and manipulated my folks for my hand (so in short he took advantage of my situation), as soon as I figured him out (we totally slept in separate rooms). I cancelled his INS paperwork, shortly after he disappeared on me. Its not the case, that I cant get a guy on my own, I am not awful looking (I always get hits from guys) – it was just that I was a good daughter to my parents and felt obligated to fulfill their wishes. Now, I just turned 28 a couple weeks ago, and feel that I should have the remote control of my life from now on and forever. I am single and dating someone for the past 2 months, which who is Pakistani (born and raised here) he is divorced also w/3 children (he has joint custody). When we both met, we decided not to speak of our past at all (it was his choice to decide this, he wanted to get to know me for who I am, without making any judgments of the past) – he doesn’t know that I have been divorced twice, but, I feel obligated to tell him. I don’t consider my second marriage anything; it was more like a contract – never for once felt as a marriage. But, I still get this guilt that I should tell him this. We both are developing strong feelings, and I just don’t want to be hurt at the end – if he dislikes the fact that I have been married twice for whatever reason. Please help – should I wait and tell him or should I tell him now before things reallllly get serious, which they are beginning too.

Answer 1

If he's also Pakistani, then he should understand your culture and have no problem with the whole arranged marriage thing, so talking about it should not be an issue, any good relationship always has good communication in it, including heart to heart conversations about the past, present and future. If your a citizen of the US then you have the right to assimilate our culture and most especially have the ability to forgive

Answer 2

Since you have a child, I assume he has some clue that you had a previous relationship. And if he's divorced too, it would seem he'd realize that even Pakistani relationships can go wrong.

If he's a decent, reasonable guy, he won't judge you badly because of your situation. And you obviously spoke SOME of his past, since you know of his divorce and joint custody of his daughters.

Tell him you feel that you've known each other long enough that he needs to know of your past, then tell him the situation.

Good luck.

Answer 3

He feels you have been somewhat deceitful. Are you particular at purely 28 years previous, you want a divorced guy with 3 youngsters? you have purely familiar him 60 days, so it extremely is conceivable he's no longer a tournament for you. it extremely is lots too quickly to be talking approximately love. don't be so difficult on your self. do no longer enable him decide you. The previous is over and you probably did no longer harm absolutely everyone. If he can't settle for it, he ought to look interior the replicate--- a minimum of you probably did no longer convey 3 youngsters into the international and injury their family contributors like he did.

Answer 4

Be honest. If he's divorced with 3 kids, he's hardly in a position to judge you. If he does, he's not the right man. Because he shares your culture, surely he will understand the family pressures put on you to marry.
BUT-- his refusal to talk about the past is not right. You are your history and you need to know HIS past. Wouldn't the next woman who marries your ex-husband need to know? Tell him now, and expect him to tell you about his history.

Answer 5

You know what i would tell him know because if it does get serious and then you tell him and he leaves you it iwll hurt even more but if he cares about you and you care about him(which he sounds like a good guy than) than you have nothing to fear. But remeber he has also had a divorced also so so he cant judge you cause than he will be judgeing himself

Answer 6

Boy do you have a lot of baggage. It would be selfish to think that most guys would be very leary of dating you.

Tell him when the time is right which is in the future. As he asks questions, then answer them, but most people that dump their life stories on eachother and all of their baggage are going to regret it big time.

good luck.

Answer 7

If he came out and told you about his divorces I would tell him about yours, and if he really likes you than he wouldnt judge you, he was married 3 times... so, hope for the best!