My husband is deaf and my son's best man. I've know the bride to be her whole life. Still don't feel she's opening up to me. The Hall was picked out without me (I'm paying for open bar/drinks/music/wine w/dinner). I feel kinda' taken for granted. There's much more. My daughter is standing up also... a dress was picked out that is very unflattering to her and there are no exceptions. I'm trying to think she's not being mean on purpose?
2006-10-26 07:57:16 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
If you're footing the bill, then they ought to ask you at least your opinion!! Just open your mouth and speak your mind, put it out there. Maybe the bride doesn't know how to approach the future mother in law.......I can tell you this, If your imput isn't welcome, don't pay anything! Tell the bride "I hate to put my 2 cents worth in here, but......." Maybe she'll listen, maybe not. If not, tell her parents to pay for it.
2006-10-26 08:07:09 · answer #1 · answered by hotmama1 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Susan, remember when you were planning your wedding. Think back, did you involve your mother in law. I bet you didn't. The bride ususally does the wedding planning herself, I think the groom should have some say. But unless the mother in law is extremly close with the bride then it's not heard of.
It's very generous of you and your husband to pay for the reception. That's a dream come true for the bride. Did you ask her if she would like some help? You could just mention that you would love to help-that is if she needs help, of course. Don't start your new relationship with her on the wrong foot.
Bridesmaid dresses are a girlfriend's nightmare. The bride usually picks some gosh awful creation that Ms. America would look terrible in. Some brides ask for help in deciding the choice of dresses, but then you got the Brides that want-what they want. Like you said no exceptions. I have several of the ugliest dress that have ever been made packed away. I did use one as a Halloween dress one year. lol A $200 dollar bridesmaid dress won me 1st prize in the contest for most ugliest.
Please just take a back seat, and try to just go along with the Bride's plans. And when your daughter gets married, make your daughter-in-law wear a very unflattering dress....
God bless us all...........
2006-10-27 13:24:43 · answer #2 · answered by totallylost 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The mother-in-law usually doesn't get involved at all in the planning. It is all about the bride on her day...from the weddings that I have planned I can say that the in-laws usually write the checks and leave it be...the most they do is help set up the budget, especially if they are paying a good portion of the wedding. After that you're really not in the picture too much. Also, if your daughter is going to be in the wedding party and she has to wear a dress that is not flattering on her, remember that there are others in the wedding party too and without giving each bridesmaid a different dress, there is no way to please everyone.
2006-10-26 09:11:48 · answer #3 · answered by VAWeddingSpecialist 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
As a wedding coordinator with years of experience i can sya that as MIL all you have to do is nothing.
If you offered to pay for anything-no matter what it is then there should be no strings attached. a gift should be freely given and the circumanstances/reason for the gift, bday-wedding-anniversary, are irrelevant.
When it comes to weddings everyone has an opinion but take a step back-didnt you ahve an opinion when you got married. Did someone else attempt to intefere. How did you feel about that?
Most bridesmaids dresses are unflattering but who cares-most people know they will never wear it again (sad but true)-the bride is supposed to be the focus. i personally think it is nice to loo back and see eveyone looking their best but some brides are told by those who intefere (dress shop clerk) that the bridesmaids dress should be complimentary to the wedding dress. sometimes this is a good look most often it is not. i think that it is a honor to be picked as a bridesmaid and it should be treated as such
as far as your relationship with the bride-just support her. so many people are trying to tell her what to do. i guarantee she will open up to you more if you listen more and talk less-this is a stressful time for her but if you have known her all her life you already know she is a good person.
i am sure things will work out fine-especially since you care enough to ask for help
2006-10-26 08:39:57 · answer #4 · answered by msijg 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She isn't being mean on purpose.
Listen, I can speak from experience on this one. I am assuming that you are the Mother In Law (MIL)?
Weddings are a tricky thing. Especially between the MIL and the bride. When I was married, my MIL tried to take over the whole process -- and her whole family has let her get away with it so they didn't think that there was a problem. Unlike you, WE were paying for the whole wedding so I didn't think that my MIL had any say. It was, afterall, my wedding.
She didn't feel like I was opening up to her. The problem wasn't that I wasn't opening up, the problem was that I wasn't doing it at the speed she wanted or the WAY she wanted me to. She "Y" expectations for me and I was giving her "X". Regardless of how long you have known the bride, these are still her decisions.
She has the right to make these decisions. If you still feel that you should have more say, then I think that it is best that you tell her that you don't like these decisions and that you are not going to pay for it. If she still wants to go ahead with these choices, she can pay for it herself.
In terms of the unflattering dress for your daughter -- how old is she? Can she make her own choices? Do you think that it is ugly or does she? There are so many angles ...
I am not trying to compare you to my overbearing MIL because trust me, she is one in a million (and yes, I love her dearly), we are just all unique and we deserve our space.
Ultimately, if you try to control how this marriage is going to get started, she is going to hold ill feelings against you in the long run and you are bound to have a rocky relationship.
If you haven't shared your feelings with her, she deserves to know how you feel. Maybe she is oblivious to all of it...
-EZ
2006-10-26 08:08:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are being over bearing. This is their wedding and it should be their choice. You offer to pay for it.... so that was YOUR choice, as you as the mother of the groom, have no obligation to pay for the entire wedding, you are only expected to pay for the flowers only, and maybe the liquour if you feel that generous.
If you decided to open up your checkbook, then now you will have to sit back and say nothing. This is their wedding and it should be accordingly to their taste, not yours. You have to set them a strict budget so they don't take advantage of your generosity, and tell your son that you would like to be informed where the money is going, but don;t expect to be included on the decision making or for the bride to ask for your opinion.
As far as the dress for your daughter, she is beautiful and she can pull anything off, Bridemaids dresses are supposed to be unflatering! This is not a fashion show, is a wedding and the attention should be on the bride.
I know how you feel, but this is for them and not for you. Let go and relax. Be happy and don;t ruin their wedding with your demands for attention, even though you have been generous enough to pay, please understand that the even would be planned accordibgly to the bride's personal taste, and not yours.
Good luck
2006-10-26 08:49:06 · answer #6 · answered by Blunt 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
from a MOB - when my daughter got married I just sat back & asked her what she wanted me to do- everything was the decision of her & fiance.
I did make some suggestions re:- her dress as I was making it- but that was only a variation on her idea.I made her what SHE wanted.
recently I made a wedding dress for a young lady whos future M-I-L came along with us to choose fabrics & also to one of her fittings - I felt like telling the M-I-L to butt out as she had more comments to make than the mother did. I got the impression that the bride was barely tolerating her comments
as someone else said if you are paying for anything than that is a gift freely given for the couple to use how they choose.
maybe you are just starting to feel that you are no longer an essential part of your sons life & having difficulty accepting that- this is quite common
I would not suggest that your futer d-i-l is being deliberately " mean" - rather just intent on having things her way
another answerer also commented on how your wedding day went
do read all the answers & reflect on the comments made
TAKE CARE
2006-10-26 13:32:45 · answer #7 · answered by fairypelican 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well it depends on the relationship between the couple and the MIL in question. Mine wasn't involved at all, but she tried to break us up on more than one occassion, so she's lucky she got an invitation. Also she didn't pay for anything, not even a rehearsal dinner. I wouldn't pay for something, if I didn't get any input. Your daughter needs to stand up for herself. Tell the bride I'm not wearing that dress it makes me look horrible. She doesn't have to be in a wedding if the girl is being a bridezilla. Talk to your son.
2006-10-26 09:09:49 · answer #8 · answered by maigen_obx 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In all reality, the groom and bride get to make all the decisions for their wedding. They should keep in mind and be considerate of the feelings of every one who is helping them fund their wedding. This way no one will feel left out or taken for granted. The bride-to-be may not even realize what she's doing is upseting you. Maybe take her out to lunch sometime and tell her how you feel-maybe bond a little. If all else fails, at least you attempted to try. Good luck!
2006-10-26 11:13:07 · answer #9 · answered by Suse 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She probably not being mean on purpose maybe your being a little sensitive I wouldn't think to ask you before I picked out a hall I don't think most brides ask their mother in laws even if they help pay. Maybe you should talk to her and let her know you want to be a little more involved but she probably doesn't even know you want to be involved like that most mother in laws arent that involved with the wedding plans.
2006-10-26 08:11:15 · answer #10 · answered by Shonreaq G 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's not really the Mother-in-law's say on anything, even if your daughter's dress in unflattering. Sorry.
It's very nice of you to pay for the open bar and music, but truthfully if they had to do with out that, they could.
Only put you foot down on real important stuff, like do you want an interpreter for your husband? That is important.
2006-10-26 08:51:44 · answer #11 · answered by ee 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋