who ever tells me the most jokes get 10 points!
2006-10-26 07:07:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Fasten your sheet belt.
Q: How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A: By scareplane.
Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
Q: What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A: A poultry-geist.
Q: Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A: Because they like to boo the umpire.
Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."
Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your shocks and boos on.
Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror.
Q: What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A: Whipped Scream
Q: Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A: To get a BOOster shot.
Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.
Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he's always a goblin.
W. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
A. It raises their spirits.
Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A. He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
A: She had to give a screech.
Q: What is a witch with poison ivy called?
A: An itchy witchy.
Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle?
A: It was a chain letter.
Q: What is a witch's favourite subject?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why does a witch ride on a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners have to be plugged into the wall.
Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.
Q: Why do witches think they're funny?
A: Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Q: What does a sorceress wear?
A: A bewitching outfit.
Q: What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
A: You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
Q: Who has a broom and flies?
A: A jelly-covered janitor.
Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A. A sand-witch.
Q. What do you call a witch's garage?
A. A broom closet.
Q. What do you call two witches living together?
A. Broommates.
Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel.
Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?
A: He was on his coffin break.
Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?
A: It was a stake sandwich.
Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A. He was all bite and no bark.
Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A. At the casketeria.
Q. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
A. Because of his coffin.
Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
A. He heard it had great circulation.
Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?
A. Fangsgiving.
Q. What happened when two vampires met?
A. It was love at first bite!
Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A. The Vampire State Building.
Q. How does a girl vampire flirt?
A. She bats her eyes.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A. He had no body to dance with.
Q: What instrument does a skeleton play?
A: A trombone.
Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
A. Sherlock Bones.
Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A. Napoleon bone-apart
Q. Why do skeletons drink milk?
A. To help their bones!
Q. What is a Skeleton's favorite song.
A. Bad to the Bone.
Q. Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights?
A. He's all bone and no muscle.
Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating?
A. Bone appetite!
Q. What's a monster's favorite bean?
A. A human bean.
Q. What do you call a little monsters parents?
A. mummy and deady
Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A. Give him screws.
Q. What's a monsters favorite desert?
A. Ice-Scream!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape.
Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
A. Wrap music!
Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q. Why was the mummy so tense?
A. Because he was all wound up.
Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?
A. Over the ghoul line.
Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married?
A. Newlywebs!
Q. What can't you give the headless horseman?
A. A headache.
Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A. He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the whenwolves.
Q: What's a cold, evil candle called?
A: The wicked wick of the north.
Q: What's a goblin's favorite flavor?
A: Lemon Slime.
Q: What do birds give out on Halloween?
A: Tweets.
Q: What time is it if five demons are chasing you?
A: Five after one and time to run!
Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you're a mouse.
Q. The maker doesn't want it. The buyer doesn't use it. The user doesn't see it. What is it? A. A coffin!
Knock, Knock. Who's there?
Phillip! Phillip who?
Phillip my bag with candy!
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.
8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.
12. You have met over 100 AOLers.
13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.
17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.
18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.
20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).
21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.
22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".
23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.
24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
25. Your dog leaves you.
26. You have to ask what year it is.
27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"
28. You name your pets after people you talk to.
29. You smile sideways...
30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.
31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.
32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".
34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.
35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).
36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"
39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.
40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.
42. You don't know where the time has gone.
43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.
44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.
45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.
47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.
48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".
49. You type faster than you think.
50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.
54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
55. You dream in "text".
56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.
58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
59. You double click your TV remote.
60. You can now type over 70wpm.
61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".
63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.
64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.
66. You stop speaking in full sentences.
67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
69. You know what a "snert" is.
70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is..................having friends. At age 20, success is..................having sex. At age 35, success is..................making money. At age 70, success is..................having sex. At age 80, success is..................having friends. At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:
manslaughter!
Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.
The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last
minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be
good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one
he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
A blonde went to anelectronic store and said i'd like to buy that tv. the sales man said we don't sale to blondes. She went home dyed her hair brown and went back to the store. She said I'd like to buy that TV. The salesman said again we don't sale to blondes. Confused she went home and dyed her hair red. She went to the store and said I'd like to buy that TV. The sales person said Look we don't sale to blondes. She got mad and said how the H3!! do you know I am blonde. The salesman said that is a microwave not a TV.
2006-10-26 07:32:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
dublin boy is the biggest joke. he answers every question with his gay *** tee hee hee. dude needs to get a live. he is on here 24/7.
2006-10-26 14:14:55 · answer #2 · answered by vtown_german 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this joke is so corny you could pop it!
2006-10-26 14:12:32 · answer #3 · answered by Wiseguy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i don't know any good jokes
2006-10-26 14:10:19 · answer #4 · answered by Kim 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
yo momma so fat, she uses her rolls as seat cushions!!! *laughing*
2006-10-26 14:17:59 · answer #5 · answered by yagurlbubblez 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tee hee hee
2006-10-26 14:09:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋