How to convince my 6yr old that she’s not supposed to take sides when it comes to her father and I?

Question

I used to live with my husband until we separated. But we’re still seeing eachother and not living together. It’s a long story. If I decide to live with him again, my daughter’s going to take his side and tag team with him against me. Like when we were living together, and I tell my daughter it’s time to eat, her father encourages her to talk back at me, by saying, “Tell mommy that you’ll eat later because you’re playing a game with daddy.” Also, when I used to put my daughter to sleep, her father walked into her room, while I washed the dishes, and wake her up… during school nights. His excuse was that he went in to give her a goodnight’s kiss to tuck her in bed.
Fine but why not do it before I put her to sleep. He laugh and never answer my question. No matter how many times I tell them that it’s not funny and it hurts me not to be heard and respected, they say sorry and then they do it again. Sometimes he used to amuse himself by telling her to hit mommy on the butt, while I washed the dishes. It bothered me and I let them know that. He answered by saying, “Come on, we’re just playing.” Of coarse he laughed. But I don’t find it funny. Once a week I can handle it, but not everyday. There are certain things I put up with, but not the constant tease of humiliation and disobedience. I’m glad I’m free of him now…but I’m still having trouble controlling my daughter. Whenever I tell her, “Let’s do homework…it’s time to eat….Let’s get ready for a bath, sleep, etc.” She would say “No, I don’t want to. Don’t you see I’m busy playing with my toys…I’m too tired”. She also wishes we live with daddy again.

Answer 1

I feel for you and your turmoil but have to say that you are too confused emotionally to even entertain the idea of going back to a man who is so disrespectful to you and encourages your child to be as well, let alone consider it is an option.

Your daughters disrespect and attitude can be taken care of by you at your home. Six year olds can be retaught the basics very easily.Set your ground rules and do not argue, bribe or give talking about it as an option. Be firm with her without being hateful and without raising your voice. Take her games, TV and CD's away from her. Make her earn them back. These are not her right to have but privileges she must earn.

Use some sort of way to keep track of how she earns them back. Whether it is coins in a jar or a tally sheet on the wall. For each thing she does without complaint give her a half hour of time to use one one of her things your took away.

Set a specific bedtime in which she must be in bed not nessasarily asleep. Set a specific time in which she must bathe and be done. Same for eating and homework. Stick to it. Do not compromise at home. What she does at her fathers home cannot be controlled by you.

When she refuses take a tally mark/coin/whatever away and the earned 1/2 hour send her to her room until she complies but do not give her the full half hour back. Only give her 15 mins. Explain to her that she did not recieve the full time because she refused to do as she was expected to do.


As for your husband. You should tell him that you will not allow him to treat you the way he does any longer and that if he truely wants to get back together you and he need to either come to an agreement on how you will be treated or seek some sort of counseling.

A husband should cherish his wife and treat her as if she is the most valuable possesion he has. She should be more important than life and anyother person on earth.Same for the wife. As a parent he should demand your child treat you with the utmost respect and show her his disapproval by backing you up an dsending her to her room and having her apologize to you for what she has said/done.

I urge you to rethink the idea of reuniting with your husband until you have gained the self worth and self respect you need to stop this madness and be treated like a treasure rather than than a doormat.

Good Luck to you. I hope all works out very well for you.

Answer 2

Sounds like your husband has created a monster. But its not too late to gain control of her. Just don't let you husband ruin all the ground work you are about to lay. Talk to him about her. Tell him that this is not a laughing matter and if he tries to make jokes about it then that is it! Then calmly tell him that your daughter has to learn respect and not just for you but for all authority figures. It's fine for her to question it as she grows up but to never have the respect for it is a dangerous thing. She could grow up cussing teachers and police officers alike in the end. Then make the rules that when you say something you're only going to say it once. If she doesn't listen she gets a spanking or she gets one of her toys taken away or something. She's young enough that she can still learn healthy respect for you. But your husband has to agree that you will be right in her disciplinary actions and that he will not question them.

Answer 3

My daughter used to do that too. What my spouse thought was joking was disrespect. I sat my daughter down and told her that although she is supposed to obey her dad, she cannot disrespect mommy. I told her that if anyone tells her to talk back to her mom or her dad even if it's daddy they are telling her something wrong. Now when my husband says "Tell mommy to leave us alone we are playing." she says "I can't tell mommy that. I would be a bad girl and mommy punishes bad girls." She understands that doing something wrong no matter who told her to do it is going to be punished. She hates having no tv or computer priviledges. And also keep her out of the conversation when you talk to your husband about it. Because he will just seem like the victim and you will be bad mommy. When she says she doesn't want to do something because she is playing with her toys, take the toys. If she says she's too tired, pick her up and take her to the tub or to the table. I make my daughter sit at the table even if she doesn't eat because it is dinner time. When we get up she can get up. There are no exceptions to the rule. You need to stop trying to get along with your daughter. You are her mom not her friend. Women today have a harder time of it then when my mom had me. My dad supported my mom. If we even looked at my mom wrong we got in trouble. Teach your daughter boundaries. She should not ever be allowed to talk back to you.

Answer 4

Yeah it sounds like he spoiled her rotten you need to lay the ground rules for her and start a routine and tell her to be respectful towards you as you are showing respect to her tell her that you are the adult and she needs to listen to you Next time tell her its bath time she tells you no tell her give her 10 seconds to get in the bath tub or the toys will be taken away from her

Answer 5

You ought to just let him have custody and have visiting rights if you do not get a backbone and stand firm in the situation. Why would you even want to get back with your husband anyway, if he is constantly belittling you and pitting your daughter against you. He is a control freak and has low self esteem by making you his whipping boy, and you need to get counseling for you and your daughter so you can learn how to deal with her since you can`t do it.

Answer 6

Hi,

It's not your daughter with whom you need to have talk but her father.

If the situation is like that living apart, I would imagine that moving back in with him to be a mistake until this situation is resolved.

If the situation still doesn't resolve itself after you talk to your husband because he won't listen to you, then you need to have a third party intercede, either someone he does listen to, or a counselor.

Answer 7

my advice is, have some fun time with her. have some time when you two run around and play and do anything she wants. then after the "fun time" is over, start "study time". tell her that dad is gone and now its the two of you. so she should listen to you if she wants fun time. be strict but not harsh cause a child will always miss their dad.

Answer 8

Thank God you left that loser sounds like he is trying to drive you insane, Maybe you need to start over with a new fella. good luck.

Answer 9

maybe u should rethink getting back together with him. he is immature and has no respect for you or your daughter. its a control thing.