Torn between two men!?

Question

I have NEVER been in this situation before. My boyfriend is in the military and left in August to go overseas....we patched things up before he went because we had broken up (for the second time) over the summer. We have been together almost 3 1/2 years, but he has cheated on my twice. He is coming home for a break in December but I have meet another guy....and even though I really like this other guy, I LOVE my boyfriend and I have a strong feeling that we are going to work out. We talk almost every day. I feel really guilty because I have been intimate with this other guy. Should I cut it off with the other guy and wait ot see what happens when my boyfriend comes home? I don't want to hurt anyone,.

Answer 1

IF YOU HAVE BEEN INTIMATELY-INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER MAN THEN YOU HAVE MADE A CHOICE TO BE DISHONEST, EVEN IF YOU HAVE HAD THE FIRST GUY CHEAT ON YOU, SUBCONSCIOUSLY YOU ARE GETTING EVEN,OR BECAUSE OF BEINGG AFRAID OF BEIN HURT MAYBE YOU DONT WANT TO BE 100% COMMITTED WITH THIS NEW GUY EITHER. YOU NEED TO TELL BOTH ABOUT THE OTHER, A LIFE BUILT ON LIES CAN ONLY HURT YOU, AND SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET ARE NOT THE ANSWER. BUT FIRST BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, WHO DO YOU WANT, AND SEE YOUR SELF WITH LATER DOWN THE ROAD? AND IF YOU END IT WITH THIS NEW ONE ARE YOU THROWING AWAY A GOOD THING? WHO WILL CARE FOE YOU EVEN IF YOU GET FAT OR UGLY , AND WHO IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY, THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOU NEED WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU , DONT CHOOSE WHO WILL BE THE BEST FOR YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR ANYONE ELSE.

Answer 2

Confused, your definitely in a dicey situation. After reading your story, some things don't add up.

Now I know your bf cheated on you twice before and you still love him, and you in fact have cheated on him with this other guy, which, although is wrong since you two are bf-gf, is understandable since he's been away for some time and sexual desires will arise naturally. If you feel in your heart things will ultimately work out with your bf, I don't know... I think you have to face the present and look at the fact that he already has cheated on you, TWICE! After one time, I don't think I could trust my girl frankly speaking.

The best way to handle this situation in my opinion is to go out with this other guy you met. Your obviously looking for something that your current boyfriend can't provide -- why would you look elsehwere? And yes, I know you love your boyfriend, but I feel you may be unsure how he is viewing and has been viewing things between you two. I think if you two saw other people for a brief time -- after coming to an agreement this would be the best solution -- time will tell whether or not you two are meant to be. The break-up is the last possible course of action to see whether or not you two really care about each other.

I hope you'll find a solution to your dilemma. If there's one thing you should do, its follow your heart and not plan for the future but live in the moment.

Answer 3

.
You are obviously not IN LOVE with either of them.
The first one CHEATED on you. He is not in love with you, but obviously the "sexual attraction" is strong for both of you.

The second one, you don't really love, because you would not consider cheating on someone you LOVE.

Maybe you don't really understand that there is MORE TO LOVE than the physical sexual attraction!!!

Here is something I wrote that will help you understand your own confusion:

Real LOVE never dies. Never ever.
So, what is real love?
Only a small part is "attraction": that rush, those hot sexual feelings, that intense "urge" to copu late.
The BIGGEST part of love, is NOT about sexual attraction at all.
And THAT is the part that never dies...
You already KNOW what it is, but you don't "APPLY" it to your choices. If you did, you'd still have one rewarding relationship going long-term.
(barring alcohol and drug problems, and even then those problems can still survive the love test). Even distance for a period, does not end true love and does not make the person turn to someone else for sexual "benefits".

What I mean is that love is all about finding a person that you first and foremost LIKE in many ways...as you would a best-friend, that you forgive all sorts of character flaws and mistakes, etc.
A true, long lasting Love will include feelings that go BOTH WAYS EQUALLY in

ALL OF:
being best-friends to each other,
respecting each others boundaries with acceptance,
respecting each others differences, and tolerating them well with a kindness,
totally trusting each other
and forgiving mistakes
depending on each other in both directions
equal and willing sharing and caring including great turn taking in all things
and being able to talk about anything.

When you have all that, you have real LOVE; and when you add a sexual attraction, whether that sexual attraction lasts a long time, or just a
little while (because of illness, or age, or other)...
then the biggest part, as above,
keeps you together indefinately.

Yes, if one person stops some important things above, (in their selfish quest focused only on themselves)...you may well love them, but it is obviously one sides. You loved them, but they really didn't love you enough.
The solution:
So you move on, and you be more careful, and selective to find the person that DOES match you...and WILL give you all of the above willingly without trickery or manipulations to keep it all together.

You can't do this, if you are already in the sexual mode < very difficult to "see through" the sexual bonding. You can see much more clearling, if you delay the sex part and "really look hard" at what else the relationship has going on.

Most divorces (break-ups) are simply because the couple got together because of the strong "sexual attraction" and thought all the other would follow automatically.
Well, this is putting the cart before the horse, and it just doesn't work!!!

Find your true best-friend, that you can have all of the above with the sex part last; and you will find your true long-term LOVE.

I wish you love
stw

Answer 4

one of the main problems with monogamy and how society defines relationships is how unrealistic they can be in certain situations. there is just way too much infidelity in human relations for us to be monogamous. now if everyone was realistic in these situations, you wouldn't be in this moral dilemma because with him being off on his military tour, you'd be free to get what you need, just as he got what he needed twice before in your relationship. but many people scoff at open relationships because they can't understand how you can have devotion for one and yet be with others. to them, it just sounds like a bunch of promiscuous sex. but sex and love are not synonymous. sex can be a by-product of love, but sex can also just be a physical attraction to someone else.

i'm not even going to ask why you were intimate with this other guy when you feel that what you've got with your boyfriend is going to work this time. be honest and realistic about what you want and then ask yourself this question again. the answer might be a lot easier to figure out.

good luck!

Answer 5

You should not have "patched" things up with your bf if you had any intentions of cheating. You DO NOT ever cheat on an active duty soldier stationed overseas. If you were in Iraq, you'd be stoned to death at the public square by the Taliban. Mr. Manners says, be faithful to the man in uniform and break up with him only after he has returned home on leave.

Answer 6

If you didn't want to hurt anyone you wouldn't have gotten involved with this other guy ... but I guess it's a little late for that. Two wrongs don't make a right - so cheating on your boyfriend is wrong, but I'm sure you know that already. You owe it to your boyfriend and yourself to break it off with this other guys and wait to work it out with your boyfriend. I think you just got lonely with him away and reached out for some attention ... and it sounds like you got it. So - break it off with this "other" guy and try to work it out with your boyfriend. Oh and in the meantime ... find a hobby to occupy your time that doesn't involve cheating.

Answer 7

Dump boyfriend number one. He has already proven to be a liar and a cheat. He has probably been getting head jobs from his army buddies on the side too. Don't laugh, it happens more than you think. Dump guy number 2 as well. Any guy who would cheat with a girl who is in a relationship with a man who is over sees in the military is scum and he will cheat on you later too. 3rd- dump yourself into therapy and find out why you are a cheating whore.Once you get that all settled, then you can start from scratch with some other guy and try and do it right.

Answer 8

To late you already hurt someone...I take it you liked it when your supposed BF cheated on you..well you are perfect for him then two cheaters in a cheat relationship of Drama. Whatever, do what you want, who cares, oh yeah you already did that now you have to accept the consequences of your actions. Have fun with that. Oh and for your information you don't love you BF if you did you never would have cheated in the first place and neither would he. So leave the BF and go with your lover-boy.

Answer 9

If you 'love' one, and 'like' the other, there is no torn between... you go with the love...

now, if you are torn, then you feel close to the same about both. you either love them both, or just like them both...

personaly, if i were dating some one in the military, and they had to go off to fight, there is no way in hell i would even think of cheeting on them!

to think, this guy is out there, fighting for all of out freedom's, thinking of you every day (in between fighting for his life), and your back here screwing around on him...

i know you said he's cheeted befor... i would suggest getting out of both relationships, and staying single for a while... you need to figure things out about yourself befor you can be with some one... you don't know what you want, so how could we help you choose??

Answer 10

u just answered ur own question...you LOVE your boyfriend but you LIKE this other guy, ditch the other guy let him know that you were lonely and its nothing that is going to develop into anything the sooner you tell him the better if you love your boyfriend you'd care enough to leave the other guy alone and work it out with him