Losing patience with my 7 year old?

Question

I am a 28 year old mother of 3 - two boys ages 4 and 7 and a 5 year old girl. Except for my 7 year old, we have not had any out-of-the-ordinary behavior issues.
In Kindergarten, his teacher was always telling me that he does not listen, does not pay attention, and often disrupted the other students. In first grade, we had the same problems, so I had him tested for ADD. My pediatrician all but laughed at me and said that he was just a normal boy. He was always complaining about being bullied and not having any friends in the 1st grade. However, I should mention that he is very, very smart. He was reading before Kindergarten and he now reads, spells and does math at a beyond 2nd grade level. He missed 6 out of 125 questions on the last statewide testing in school.
This summer, we moved to a different state with smaller class sizes so that he would be able to have more one-on-one attention in class. At first it seemed to help, but now things are just getting worse.
At home there are many issues. For example, every time he urinates, he goes pretty much everywhere but in the toilet - shower curtain, floor, side of toilet - you get the picture. He will wear his little brother's clothes if they are accidently put in his drawer, even though they are obviously too small. Today, he put on a button-down shirt, and put his head through an unbuttoned area instead of the head hole. When fixing his shirt, I also noticed that his jeans were unbuttoned and the top of them were folded inside.
At school, he does not pay attention. He received Unsatisfactory grades in "controlling himself" and "listening/paying attention". A few weeks ago, his teacher called me because he has been spitting on the floor during class, and while in line for lunch, he started picking up milk cartons and licking them.
I am really beginning to lose my patience with him, and it is also carrying over to the other children. Everytime he gets into trouble, I lecture him, and become increasingly frustrated while doing so, then will just start yelling at them for every tiny thing they do wrong. Over the past few months, I am starting to feel as if I dont even have anything nice to say to them anymore, I am always yelling at someone for something. It has reached the point where I feel jelouus when I see someone else being nice to them because I just feel as if I have lost that part of me.

Please help me. I dont want to be a horrible parent or make this behavior worse, but I dont know where else to look for support. I feel like the doctor doesnt believe me and the school just blames me for these problems.

Answer 1

I will agree with the doctor who says you child is not ADD. What you are discribing is a child who is very smart in class, is bored silly, and craves attention to the max.

You moved to a smaller school, so he could get more one on one time.... it helped then it got worse. As the new kid, the teacher spent more time with him, it helped, then he got bored and stopped paying attention and the teacher earmarked him as unattentive and stopped rewarding him for his behaviour (the reward being more one on one time), this then made things worse.
So in order to get the attention of the teachers and his classmates, he acts out in school. It works, so then he acts out at home.... and it works. Bad attention in his eyes is better than no attention at all.

I don't know if you are in a position to do this, but this is a great case for Home Schooling (if you can't maybe Montessori can help.) Your son knew how to read before kingdergarten, and therefore someone taught him.... I assume it's you. Right now he is at a crossroads. He does well in school, because it gives him attention. Soon he will discover that kids who are failing have their parents working all night with them studying for the math test.... and his grades will fall. If you can keep him learning at a rate that he feels comfortable with (not the rate that the "school" feels comfortable with) and give him lots of one on one time, you will find that much of these behaviours will vanish.

Answer 2

May I ask, did you spoil him or give him the "silent/ignore treatment" as a toddler, especially during the terrible two's stage? Think about that question - seriously. I mean no offense, it's a legitimate question from a psychological standpoint. Especially considering you have another child who is exactly 2 years younger.

Such negative behavior is not apparent in ADD/ADHD kids. Although, if you do bring your son to a psychiatrist, it's likely your son will be "diagnosed" with ADHD as it's very common to want kids these days to be good little "Stepford Children". Just know this, ADHD is related to having an over-sized hypothalamus. If you DO get a 2nd opinion on the ADD/ADHD issue, suggest that a scan be done in order to verify the normalcy(or abnormalcy) of the hypothalamus, ok?

He's lashing out in serious ways. I would strongly suggest making an appointment with a child psychologist. They can help you with a positive reinforcement program. The boy needs attention and he's willing to do anything to get it. You need to turn the negative into a positive.

This is not to say you are a bad parent(which I'm sure you're not), but 3 young children can be overwhelming with time allocation.

Answer 3

Being that they are so close in age and from what you have described, I would say he is screaming for attention. He may be getting a lot of attention already but some people need and want more than others. Give it to him. You have your hands full I know but he is only 7 and to him negative attention is probably better than none. And I dont mean to say you are not giving him attention, from what you say you obviously are, but he may want more. Try to explain to him in a loving way that those things are not nice (i'm sure you already have but keep trying) he wants to please you and do whats right, i'm sure, he justs wants all the attention. Explain to him how much you love him and that you want him to grow up to be a wonderful person. Let him know he has a brother and sister that look up to him and that love him so much too. ADD I dont think is the answer, he doesnt seem to have a problem with attention he learns well and like you say is very smart. The only attention problem (from what is sounds like) is that he seems to want more. Dont think the school blames you, they have so many kids, they probably are frustrated and just want everyone to sit and listen all the time, well, your son has a personality and one might be happy that he is bold and brave enough to express it. Maybe let him know that doing silly things like licking milk cartons is not desirable and he is better than that and next time he may reconsider. Try telling him that people like when people help other people and it makes them stand out in a crowd. Dont worry what the school thinks. Good luck and I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Some of these behaviors I would lite his a$$ up. You can also make him clean the bathroom. That to will solve this issue. Now of course a 7 year old can't effectively clean a bathroom so while at school just re clean it. After a few times of that he will stop.

The school behavior you need to seek a second opinion quickly. It sounds like also with the test you provided he is bored in school. Try to get him in a gifted program where the work is harder for him. Or have him tested and moved maybe one grade up. I would not move more than one grade.

If it is a possibility send him to stay with his dad for a while. The younger kids are learning this bad behavior by example from him. You will soon have 3 unruly children.

Watch super nanny. They give really good tips on discipline without always spanking or yelling.

Answer 5

Maybe your 7 year old is jealous of his younger brother & this may be the cause of all that unwanted behaviour.

My boy too was disruptive, not paying attention & so on. We sat my boy down & told him to listen & pay attention to what the teacher has said or asked. Eventually that behaviour dwindled.

As for bullying, my boy was the smallest & this made for an easy target. I spent a whole summer just talking to my boy alone when we had a minute about how he was, or how he felt or how he would handle certain things. This seemed to really help his self esteem & also seemed to eliminate alot of problems coming from school.

You mentioned moving to another state, for the smaller class room size & the one on one. You said it seemed to work at first.
Why not just take a minute or even 30 seconds each day & just ask your boy any simple question about him & truly listen to only him. I asked my boy anything from how he felt that day to what his plans were for this or that. Just simple questions with simple answers. If someone walked in or interupted we would stop talking & resume at a later time. This seems tideous & time consuming but I did it for 2 straight months & the results were somewhat impressive.

I used to spank, time out, go stand in the corner & ground him for his bad behaviour but it was getting us nowhere. I felt like I couldn't reach him. Finally out of fustration, I thought about speaking to my boy like he was actually a real human being & to my surprise it worked.

Now a days are much easier. There are no bully grams sent home, or notices or calls from the school asking us to come in.

I can absolutely see why you would be losing your patience. Each time something goes wrong use the 2 second rule.
Stop, breathe, cool down.
Use those 2 seconds to do exactly what it says.
Then ask calmly why.
Wait & listen for the reply no matter how dumb or lame.
Respond with smart yet simple questions or answers.

Like why did you hit that kid in the playground?
Because.
Because why, were you feeling hurt, sad, mad? etc.
Mad.
Why were you mad?
I don't know.
Did the kid say something to you to make you mad?
Yes.
What did the kid say?
That I am not smart.

Just ask your boy these simple questions & maybe he might start to feel valued & listened to.

Doesn't it just suck when no one will help you?

P.S...Kids should come with a manual!

If you have any questions or comments just email me.

Nicole

Answer 6

I completely, understand you. I am a 29 year old mom of 2 boys. My boys are 4 & 7. My & year old has been acting the same way. My son has been being very disrecpectful not listening and so on. I just take away things that he loves. It got so bad everyday after school he is to do his homework and be in his room for the rest of the night. Since we have stepped up and started disaplining him better. He has been a lot better. I wouldn't jump the gun about him having ADD. Ask his teacher to put him in the front of the class room. Maybe he is just bored at school that is why he acts up. My boys both are wild when the use the bathroom, I just make them clean it up. That seems to get them to do it less. I know what you mean about yelling, I do it too. Sometimes I have to stop and listen to myself. Then I think I am the one having a fit myself. Just try and put ur-self in there positon. That is what I do. Maybe ur 7 year old just wants some 1 on 1 time with his mom? Just remember things could always be worse. That is what I do! Best Wishes...

Answer 7

Ok well first of all you need to get control over yourself before you can get control over him. Yelling really doesnt do anything except up your blood pressure and irritate your children. Take your child to a pediatric psychologist and ask for a referrence to therapy group. The psycologist will then give child a complete physical as well as psychological evaluation. This would include testing for ADD, ADHD etc type of behavioral illnesses. Now on the home front, Next time he pee's all over the bath room give him a cloth and something to clean with and make him scrub the bathroom. Do it every time. Dont argue just give him the cleaning supplies. If he is improperly dressed send him back to his room to change. Tell him he cannot leave the house improperly dressed. When he does not listen go over to him and touch his shoulder and say your request again. Dont argue, if necessary just keep repeating your request until he does it. Do this every time for a while. When ever you get to the end of your rope: STOP,BREATHE, WHISPER. Instead of yelling stop take a deep breath, and whisper at your children. Tell them very quietly that they have just gone too far and to go to their rooms until you say to come out. All this takes you being the one in charge, you being the patient and grown up one, Its not easy but it will pay great dividends. Some of his behavior at school sounds like a play for attention and your child may need more one on one time. The licking the milk cartons for instance sounds like a maybe a dare from some other child. Is he be bullied? Seems like you mentioned that? This can be a source of all kinds of poor behavior problems and some kids seem to be targets for bullying. Try to see if this is a poroblem for him. Some schools have excellent programs for children who are being bullied. Help him to learn when to tell others, how to stand up for himself and what to say to bullies. You are not a horrible parent either you are obviously worried about your son and what seems like behavioral problems. Your concern stresses you out and and his behavior makes it worse. When he gets checked by doctor( and you ALWAYS have the right to a second opinion) they may have other ideas to help in the meantime you can try what other parents have and give the kid a cup of coffee. I know that sounds crazy but caffeine sometimes works as in children it slows them down. Not a whole cup of plain coffee either maybe 1/4 cup coffee to 3/4 milk and a little sugar. Try it once and see if it helps. I hope any of this helps you and if it does not it will do no harm. However if this does not help then you need to go to the school counselor and get a referrel to some help because he is getting bigger and bigger and soon will be as big as you and then you need to have some real control there.

Answer 8

ok a couple of things I'll start with an easy one.....peeing IN the toilet....My son at the same age had trouble with this one I think they draw with it or something I dunno but anyway.....I got one of those thingys that you hang inside the toilet bowl and when you flush it sends that blue loo cleaner stuff all over the bowl....then I got my son to direct his pee stream at that ...he loved that it made the pee run thru blue ....problem solved. (If he did slip up I would get him to clean it up....he hated that and I think it also was part of why he was more careful)

Next thing I dont like that everyone jumps right to ADD....you said he was clever maybe he's smarter than you think. He may be playing up because he is bored. Get him assessed by a child psyic. or Paediatrician, if he is learning at a faster rate he may need extra things to keep his mind occupied. The acting out may just be a way of (1) entertaining himself or (2) getting you to pay attention to him.

With the clothes thing, he is 7 and starting to get a little independence (even though they are terrible at it at that age) if it's not a special event or school day (a uniform for school is always good, if school doent have one pick your own) Let him wear what he likes, how he likes....even if it isnt his....you have to pick your battles and with this one it really doesn't matter what he is dressed in, let him express his independence. If it is an attention seeking thing ..... if he see's that it doesn't get your attention anymore he'll give up.

Maybe try giving him some little responsibilities and when he fulfils them reward him (with bucket loads of praise and a little pocket money if you want) it will keep him occupied and make him feel like he is "big" and important. If he feels responsible he may start to act accordingly.

Sorry if the spelling is bad the spell check wouldnt work.

Answer 9

I would say the best judge is you, not the doctor, nor the school. It is hard dealing with difficult children, but it is also your (our) job description. Your son seems to be trying to draw your attention. You have three kids around the same age. Can he be asking for some special time? You say he is very smart. Maybe you can appeal to his intelligence. You could specify a special mother-son time, and reward his good behaviour afterwards. I know that it is a luxury to spare individual time for kids for a mother of three, but if it works, it will help you feel better, too. Just think of it as an exercise. Start short and easy, then expand "good behaviour time" and scope. You may also try sports and courses for kids, if available in and around the place you live in, where he can have fun and spend some energy. And you may assess your situation, but please don't judge yourself. When you do that, you are spending your positive energy, which you will need for your kids. Good luck.

Answer 10

I would definitely be seeking a second opinion. Go to a paediatrician who specialises in behaviour. For his sake as well as yours you have to get to the bottom of this. It is not fair to him to always be in trouble and not fair for you to not get any enjoyment from your relationship with him. Boys can be very distracted so some of this is normal. Especially the clothes one. My son could come out wearing anything sometimes, he will get distracted and i may say put on shorts and a tshirt and he will come out in winter clothes because he was thinking of everything but what he should be doing. Once I found him 1/2 naked and reading and I asked him what i was doing and he looked at me blankly and had no idea he was only 1/2 dressed until I pointed it out. But behaviour like what he is doing at school needs to be checked out. Licking things is a bit of a concern at his age and a few other things that you write would make me want to get a 2nd opinion, for the sake of your relationship...the sooner the better