My friend wants to kill himself - how can I help?

Question

My mate is broke, he doesn't currently have a job, can't pay his rent, has huge debts, can't seem to keep a job, has a car with no tax or MOT and can't afford to get it legal, has taken an overdose before but thankfully not enough to kill him, got thrown out by his father as soon as his mother died (so his dad could start dating), has legal letters demanding money, hasn't got any friends or family who can put a roof over his head, will soon be evicted, possibly taken to court re debts, has just become a father but the mum lives a long way away (she won't take him in as she finished with him). My family and I have been bailing him out for around ten years, giving him money, buying him food, topping up his electric and phonecard but we don't have any more money to give him and don't see why we should - we're so stressed out. How do you get someone who is at rock bottom to pick themselves up, get a job and stick to it, take some responsibility and see the light at the end of the tunnel

I think the term "finding light at the end of the tunnel" has confused some people... of course I don't want to help him kill himself - I want him to find hope!!!

Answer 1

i honestly dont think you can speaking from experiance the only person that can bring you back up is yourself.
it's like when they say you can only stop drinking when you admit your an alcoholic.
when you are truly at rock bottom you do get to a point where you see your life going two ways that's either suicide or getting yourself back into the land of the living.
be there for your friend but also expect to wait for him to crawl
back up.
it may take time but with as good a friend as you sound i'm sure you'll be there when he's found his way back up

Answer 2

Hiya! Am sorry your friend is having as many problems. I am glad he has had you and your family to help him out. I can understand how you cannot always bail him out.

If you are really worried about him, try to get him to counselling. If it is really urgent, get an ambulance or police and they will take him into psychiatry. Am not sure but I suppose it would be good if he could talk with you. Acknowledge his feelings without giving him advice. Just let him know that you like to be with him and that you care about him. Maybe give him a warm hug. Ultimately, he really needs help. Don't know too much what to do but I think it would be good if he could just talk to you and, especially, a professional as he seems to be in a big crisis. Maybe, if he has got the Internet, encourage him to write to [e-mail] or call or go to a professional.

I found the links below very useful. Thank you so much for caring about your friend!

Take care and All the best to your friend, you and your family!

Answer 3

The only light at the end of a tunnel he'll be seeing is the one that leads to the afterlife if you don't help him...

Don't give up on him now. Social services have got to help him, So contact them and get some support. Get him to file for bankruptcy to clear the debts and he can then start a fresh.
There is always a solution - Sometimes it's just hard to find.

Good luck.

Answer 4

As a friend, you and your family have done just about as much as you can from a physical and emotional and financial perspective - there is no more that you can do- and you should not feel guilty by recognising this....
As a friend too, the last real act of friendship you can do for him, over and above everything else you have done is if you could get him to talk to you - openly and honestly - about what he feels are his problems and how he feels he can start to address them, we know you will no doubt offer him your assurances and support to go with him to visit his doctor, and perhaps social services, and talk to them about his situation and find out what practical help there is out there - but he must to prove to you and them that he is committed to help himself ..... if it's all words and a continuing of the 'woe is me' self-pity - then nothing can be done for him - for the world to have faith and trust in him and commit to helping him - he must show he has faith and trust and a commitment to helping himself - even if it is with a little help from his friends. If not, or you are not convinced it is there - then for his benefit you must walk away - this will probably be the only time he realises he has to help himself. Most suicide threats are a cry for help - most threatened suicides don't get carried through (I'm pleased to say).... but if the worst scenario occurs - however painful and upsetting - you and your family must understand there was nothing more YOU could DO for HIM ,,,,,

Answer 5

I really sympathise with you its hard to see someone you care about feeling like that. If you cant help him financially (which cant go on forever) just be there and support him. Help him apply for jobs and encourage him to go to Citizens Advice Bureau for advice. They are great and will help him sort his finances out and tell him if there is any other help he can get. Unfortunately we cant control what other people do and sometimes even when we think we have done our best and helped them they still seems to slip back into the deep hole they are in.

I talk from experience my older sister suffered from bad depression she tried twice to kill herself and we supported her, we thought she was doing really well (she put a front on to us all) then she hung herself last year. Its very sad and you feel so helpless but at the end of the day you can only do your best for someone abut they have to live their own lives.

Sorry I couldnt be more help but I hope this helps, my advice is not to feel guilty you are doing the best thing for your friend.

Answer 6

Firstly, most people who kill themselves don't go around broadcasting the fact in advance. Most people who talk about it are trying to manipulate others to feel sorry for them.

Secondly, you are not responsible for this guy. He's an adult. Sure he's been unlucky with family but most of his problems would appear to be largely self-inflicted. Lots of other people are unemployed and alone but manage to live modestly without sponging off their "friends".

Thirdly, you cannot get him to do anything he is not prepared to do. If you have been bailing him out for 10 years, this doesn't seem to have done him much good. I'm sure your family had the best motives but I don't think this guy will stand on his feet until you stop providing a safety net for him.

I suggest you tell him that your money is now needed elsewhere. He may start to take responsibilty for himself or he may move on ton another source of money. Above all, don't let him blackmail you emotionally with his talk of suicide.

Answer 7

He needs to see a doctor to see if there's a mental illness ...and get treatment for it.

if he is hugely in debt then he needs to see a solicitor..... he should be granted legal aid as he has no money, he can declare himself backrupt.... no creditor can pursue a 'man of straw' (legal term).

he also has to have the will and strength to want to sort this out, there is no point in you and your family stressing and making yourselves ill over something that really isn't anything to do with you. He should be thankfully that he has someone like you and your family around to help.

the fact that he has got a kid doesn't help,.... as he should be paying maintainace for his child.

i'd sit him down and tell him the bare bones... be honest!..... give him a kick up the **** and say look we're her to help you, we;ve supported you for so long but it's time that you sorted yourself out, see a doctor seek advice about debts etc and tell him that there are plenty of people worse off out there! stop buring your head and stand up and be proud that you've overcome al the **** that's happenened in his life.....make his mum proud!

Answer 8

When you stop giving him money he will leave you alone and move on to the next victim. That's why he has no friends and his mum won't take him in. It is a choice he is making and he is taking advantage of your goodwill. The guy needs counseling that is beyond your expertise. Talk to his mother before giving him any more money.
Don't let him blackmail you with the threat to kill himself.
Some friends are better off letting go of.
How much has he done for you?

Answer 9

WOW......you have painted a very grim picture for this fellow. It is hard to imagine that one person could possibly get himself in such dire straits.
It is wonderful of you to have been helping him and doing what you can. What I am hearing tho is that you are at the end of your rope and are becoming stressed out and frustrated at the demands that this situation is placing on you. I have to say that it is not fair for this person to be creating this level of stress for you. After all YOU are not responsible for the situation that he finds himself in. There has to be some reason that he is in this mess and I am sorry to say that at least a good deal of it must be his own fault. You say that you have been helping him for ten years and that tells me that he is using you to get by. He may not even realize that himself but without meaning to you are helping him to stay in this helpless, bleak situation.
You have to stop helping him and force him to stand on his own two feet. "The longest journey begins with one step". If he is feeling suicidal ( and who could blame him) there are places that he can go for help. If he will take his problems one at a time and start at the beginning he will gradually begin to pull himself out of the pit that he is in. In order to do that you must stop helping him. I do not mean that you should stop being his friend, if you want to continue this friendship and perhaps be a source of emotional support for him, that is up to you. But, you must stop giving him money. He must stand on his own two feet and begin to be a man. Other men do it and unless he has some disability that you are not mentioning, he can do it too.
Have a talk with him and tell him that you have confidence in him, that you know he can do it.
You know, maybe if he got a job and started paying his bills the mother of his child might see him in a different light and perhaps he could be a part of his child's life.
He has a long way to go, I will give you that, he has gotten himself in an awful position. Be glad that they do not have debtors prison anymore.
This person is not your responsibility. You must be firm and tell him that you are done. He will like himself more and feel like more of a man if he does this himself. He has a big job ahead of him but he must find a way to do it. I am sure that there are Social Services that will help him get started, at least I imagine that there are, I am not really familar with your system.
You have done all you can, you have done more than most people would do.
If he could move closer to his baby and start helping the mother in some way, prove to her that he has changed, then that could be a source of inspiration to him. He is a father now, he needs to start acting like one and quit sponging off his friends!
You are a good person, you have done enough! Be strong and tell him he is on his own.
Love and Blessings
Lady T~

Answer 10

That's a real tough one. In general, you can't really do much to people that don't want to help themselves. Its a sad but true fact. All you can do is be emotionally supportive and try to be encouraging. If he doesn't take anything on board, you should seek specialist help. You're right, you shouldn't have to take on the responsibility of looking after him so much, as you have already done lots for him anyway. Good luck, and I hope you find help from somewhere.