My husband is 41 and we have been married 19 years. We are living apart as after I caught him cheating he felt he had to move out because he had lost face and we needed the space apart in order to rebuild our relationship. He said we had a lot of problems and that he wanted to experience new things in life, that he kept asking himself “is this it?” People say it’s a mid life crisis, and maybe it is. I know he is very ambitious and wants to progress at work and the only way to do it is through the social circle so he needs to be well positioned for that. He said I was possessive and that he could never come and go as he pleased because I asked too many questions. I didn’t expect this from him because at home he potrayed a man who didn't tolerate this behaviour from others . He has turned this into him living away during the week because he is nearer to his work and comes home every week end and phones every day. When I say that I want to finalise things he can't understand why.
2006-10-25 22:42:07 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I can quite understand why you need to finalise things. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it. Plan what you would do if you divorced so that you know that you would survive without him. 53 is NOT too late to start another relationship but you should think in terms of being a single person, if you can.
Then put your plan to him as an option (but a solid one). This should help him to make his mind up. If he perceives you as being possessive, then TO HIM you are. That doesn't mean that you are any worse a person - just that it's a problem for him.
Having made your plan for how your life would go without him (and with him, as an alternative). Discuss this together with a counsellor. They are trained to listen impartially and to highlight things that both of you say that you may not have realised about your relationship.
Hopefully, you and your husband can remain friends but each have a life that you find fulfilling. It is always best if one can settle amicably, understanding and accepting each others' points of view.
If he is 41, it is fairly likely that he has a female interest, if not an actual girlfriend. You do have to bear that in mind, of course, and realise that your marriage is probably beyond repair unless both of you are prepared to make some sacrifices.
2006-10-25 22:49:42 · answer #1 · answered by Owlwings 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I have an older friend, she's 63. She's is having the time of her life. She has more boyfriends then she knows what to do with. She's finally happy. A smile is always on her face, and she swears that she should of done the divorce years ago. There is life and fun and happiness out there for you.
This waiting around to see what he decides to do, is tearing you apart. It's not fair to you to have to be wondering all the time, is today the day. If you can't stand this anymore, then don't give him the options any longer. You give him a choice. Either with you or without you. There is plently of life left for you to live, do you want to spend your days in this constant "hell". Would it better to live this way, or live without him, which can your heart and your mind take. It's your choice, not his. He's using the old eat my cake and have it to on you. So, he thinks he has you, but in truth you have him. Are you going to let him keep eating his cake? Or are you going to give him the question.
Sweetie, it's not easy, and I won't ever say it will be, and I wish that you weren't going through this. Mid-life crisis in a man's life can ruin a very solid and strong relationship, and if that marriage was in trouble all ready then it's most certainly going to be a killer.
Can you survive this that he's putting you through? Can you tolerant that you aren't the only woman in his life right now? The lying and sneaking around..if you can hold out, and you really love him then do so. But if there's any doubt in your mind that you don't love him like you should or that can't handle this new "husband" of yours-then don't. Again your choice-not his!
I can under the finalising things, and he can't or won't, because he has the best of both worlds. Who would want to give that up. It's your life he's playing with, when this is hurting to the point it's effecting your physical health along with your mental health then someone needs to make some hard decisions. And who better than you...the victim.
God bless us all.................
2006-10-26 10:41:41 · answer #2 · answered by totallylost 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you have done all your best by devoting all your energy into that marriage and nothing good happens, then there's no reason for you to feel guilty about leaving. The two of you should ahve a good talk. The feelings will always be there. It's just a matter of understanding each other. If love and respect still exist for both of you it will still work out. At your age, I'm sure you know what you want and what will really make you happy. It's your choice. The future is uncertain but only you can decide what will be the best for you. Pray and God Bless!
2006-10-26 06:02:03 · answer #3 · answered by lavender 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, his actions tell me that he has a girlfriend. When a man's behavior changes, and he complains that there are problems when there never were before and he was content and nothing had changed, that is a big red flag. That always means there is another woman. I'm sure of it. However, he still loves you and can't let go. My husband did that. Even if you were to get a divorce and he remarries someone else, my guess is that he'd be calling without her knowing. It happened to me and one of my girlfriends.
2006-10-26 05:47:49 · answer #4 · answered by Daphne 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
In the same situation, I would end the relationship. Because of his past history of cheating, and the fact that he is living away for the week, I just wouldn't be able to trust him.
However, you need to make your own decision. For as long as you have been married I would highly recommend counseling, both on your own and as a couple.
Good luck.
2006-10-26 05:45:02 · answer #5 · answered by Jenyfer C 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is easy to finalise any thing, but rebuilding is difficult. So before finalising anything think twice or more and do it. Marriage should not be broken as per Gods advise.
2006-10-26 05:48:18 · answer #6 · answered by R S 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wish I could e-mail you . I am 55 and my wife of 40 just moved out.I am also afraid of the future and need companionship.So if you wish to talk further you can e-mail me.We were married 20 years.I always wonder if i just look too old for her.Have you had these thoughts.
2006-10-26 09:27:56 · answer #7 · answered by Honest Injun 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋