I married a drug addict, what should I do?

Question

Love the man I married. We were fine for the first couple of years, then we got pregnant, had a baby, and got a large inheritance. He used it to get hooked on Oxycontin (he had previously been an opiate addict, been to rehab 6 times before we met, didn't use it when we were together until he got hooked). He went to rehab in April, spent his 30th birthday there, and he has relapsed about 7 times since then. He says he's trying, but I have to drug test him each week and he denies everything until I have perfect proof. I love him, we have a daughter, I don't want to give up on him. Anyone else been married to an addict? Is it worth staying? Do they change? Can they?

Answer 1

These are all fantastic answers. You really are in a tough spot, you love the guy but he's running all over you. Trust is non-existent, financial problems are plauging you, and you have the little one to worry about.

Drug addicts do have a disease, but I don't buy into the whole "Naranon" thing, that they are powerless. There has been a lot of evidence to the contrary, and Naranon doesn't work for everybody (in fact, there are some studies that show that in some types of people, naranon actually hurts a person's chances of succeeding, primarily because of the 'guilt' factor). I'm not saying that it doesn't work for a lot of people, but not everyone.

Drug addicts usually attract co dependents as spouses. Your dependency on him (evidenced by your reluctance to leave him in the face of all of these issues) is a form of addiction as well. A fantastic book that I highly recommend for both of you is called "Sex, Drugs, Gambling, Chocolate, and other addictions". It will really put things in perspective, can cause a lot of introspection, and can really help you both.

Take the money out of his name, keep testing him, make sure he doesn't have access to the baby when he's high, and be proud of yourself for being such a strong woman every day you keep your family together. Of course, I don't know the whole story, but not giving up on someone with an addiction is a hard job and you should be commended for it (except in the cases of abuse, if he hits you or the baby get out now).

Give him some time to mull over this new 12 step-less way of life (I'm guessing that he has been in and out of a couple of 12 step programs, given his history and the fact that something like 90% of drug rehab programs are 12 step based), tell him what the stakes are (and stick to your guns), and then if in a year's time he can't pull it together, chances are he never will.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Answer 2

Yes they can change but it is entirely up to them. If he has been to rehab that many times and still goes back to it !! Well that is a real problem. He says he is trying? He has relapsed 7 times times since April? In my opinion he is NOT trying at all. Have you had your Daughter checked ? anything he had in his system when you got PG with her could have been passed on to her? If you have not had her checked then do it. I think he needs a (1) year intensive Rehabilitation in patient program. Maybe he will stay clean. Until then I think you better move on without him for awhile. Don't let him find you. Tell him you will come back when he has completed the one year program if he stays clean for a full year after that. Tell him you want written proof from a doctor where he has been tested weekly for a full year (randomly). Sorry but i had a brother just like him and he finally killed himself. Try this approach and see if it works? I mean a one year program where he can not leave the unit for the full year. My Prayers are with you, may God help you through this. All you can do is tell him and see if he will do it? If he says no, then get away from him because you cannot help him. HE has to do it for himself. All you are is a leaning post right now and he will heep using you and using you. This is the best I can do. You are also putting your Daughter in harms way think about that. Good Luck

Answer 3

Think lengthy and tough earlier than you doing whatever approximately your being pregnant. Remember there are not any take backs in this. If you strongly don't wish this child, then do not need it. I could as an alternative recognize that you simply terminated a being pregnant then listen approximately you at the information for throwing it within the trash or worse the way in which a few ladies do this dont wish their toddlers. There is support financially even though by way of the state correct? Just make a resolution that you'll reside with for the relaxation of your lifestyles. No topic what you'll constantly don't forget this child.

Answer 4

Everyone has the ability to change, whether it be for the better or for the worse. I think that if this guy doesn't really put some effort into quitting the drugs, then that shows that he doesn't love you or the daughter you have together, and therefore, you should divorce him. But if he is really trying, then maybe things will work out. You should pray for him and have your friends and family pray as well. There is a lot of power in prayer.

Answer 5

I was with an alcoholic for 6 years, and he "tried" also, but it never happened. Addiction is a seriously hard thing to break, and I am not sure if it can be done. There is always going to be trust issues also. What you truley need to think about is what kind of life you are giving your daughter and what examples she is seeing. She is the one you should be focusing on, not him. Its a hard decision to make, but follow your conscience. You know that little nagging voice that keeps saying, this isn't right? That voice usually is right!! Good luck.

Answer 6

i think eventho he is an addict u should stay by his side... show him u truly care.. specailly if u guys have a kid.. all u can do is support him n pray(if u do pray) tlk 2 yur family n tell them 2 help u with diz problem, is not easy goin through sumthin like dat... i just sayin 2 stay strong bcuz if u guyZ love eachother u will both fight this n at the end it will pay of all da hard work n everythin will be better.. dnt just look 4 help in rehab also have family support

Answer 7

Apart from the addiction he used family money that could have benefitted your daughter. I believe he cares more for the drugs than you and the baby. Drugs do that. I would leave. When he is clean for a reasonable time then you might think about continuing with him.

Answer 8

i dont care what anyone says, people can change, they need support from loved ones to help them through this, its going to be so hard for him, but i believe he can do it. You need to get him back to rehab and ask him what he wants in life, does he want a marriage with you and family with your daughter, or does he want to give it all up on this drug. Tell him that you are going to be there to help him through this but hes going to have to be serious on wanting to give it up. Tell him that if he doesnt than its going to cost him his family and life. But if hes willing to try you need to stick by him 100 percent be there and support him, find out by the doctor what are some things you can do to help him. But moslty as he already knows hes going to have to do most of the work. But i know with faith and prayers yous will get him through this and live a wonderful life as a family without drugs.

Answer 9

Either they quit and spend the rest of their life fighting the urges or they die.

You are a co-dependent like it or not. You enable him and help him play the addiction game. That means their is something wrong with YOU.

Help your self first for your daughters sake so she doesn't grow up an marry a know addict like her father.

YOU NEED HELP TO FIND OUT WHY YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO THIS TYPE OF MAN.
You are getting some superiority thing out of HIS addiction.

I know co-dependents and you probably won't take the advice. You should, or your daughter is going to marry a man just like daddy.

Answer 10

Maybe show him why he should want to change sometimes they need a little push show him your daughter and say do you really want her to see her daddy as a druggy? If you love him then do not give up on him he may be really trying. But he does need to stop i would not allow him to have anymoney whatsoever until you are sure he can handle it. I know this may make him mad but you have to do what you need to and make sure he really wants to change if he does not then he wont. Maybe do an intervention on him. He just may need a reason why to change he may not see the reason quite yet.
i hope this helps you.