marriage advise?

Question

I have been married for 18 years. Most very happy. Three years ago my husbands brother died at age 44. It changed my husband so much. He now has become very distant. He doesn't talk much to me..he buries himself in his computer and t.v. He has no interest in sex. I am not certain it all began with the death of his brother...I am just trying to figure it out. He is changing more and more each day. He stays at work late and won't even call to tell me he is working late. When he arrives in the driveway, he stays in his car talking on his cell phone to his mother. Then he comes in the house and barely says a thing. I have suggested counseling but he says "If you have a problem, see a counselor. But I don't have a problem." I know we can't afford a counselor, but I was willing to try anything that might help.
We have two children and I need to try and help him and our relationship for the sake of the children as well as my sanity. I feel so lonely and unloved. Advise please.

Answer 1

The death of his brother has contributed to his behavior.I lost my brother he was 41 went to bed and never woke up..it put a strain on my whole entire life.....but I got professional help because I fell apart at the seams....you have been married to this man for many years he needs help and he needs you to sit him down and tell him so..your husband has all the signs of grieving and he does not know how to grieve..and it will eat you up inside.he is unawhere of his surroundings and he is fighting to keep it together....the sad part is he is oblivious to you feeling not because he wants to hurt you but because he can't get over this hurdle and everyday is another day without help..talk to him talk about his brother never let his brothers spirit go away he needs to talk to you and you alone....I will pray for all of you bless you and help him....miia

Answer 2

I think his brother's death had EVERYTHING to do with this. Maybe he didn't allow himself to grieve his brother's death and he's in a deep depression. But if I'm going to be honest here and that's something I'm pretty much known for, it sounds like he saw his brother's death as a wake up call to his own mortality and decided to check out greener pastures. I would be shocked if he isn't having an affair. He shows all the signs of it and he's at a common age for it. Do some homework. Is he really at work so late? Is he really talking to his mom on the cell phone? What man - at any age - doesn't have an interest in sex? He's getting that need taken care of somewhere, somehow. If he is having an affair of course he isn't going to go see a counselor because it would eventually be uncovered there. Just snoop around a little bit. If you could hire a private investigator that would be the best thing to do. If he has checked out of the marriage and doesn't want to fix it it will never work. Two people have to acknowledge the problem and both people have to want to fix the problem. Not saying God couldn't fix it. Pray to Him and ask for peace and ask for guidance. You are loved by Him unconditionally and He is just waiting to talk to you.

God bless you and keep you and help you make the right decision.

Answer 3

Ok, you have two options. 1. Counseling. Greiving is understandable, but can't be forever- if it is it ruins life.
2. Divorce and remarriage. There must be a counselor you can afford. Is there some where you and the children can go, temporarily? It's good you want to stay with him, for the sake of the children. But a marriage with out love, is never a wise idea, nor a good thing. You could also talk to a Christian Science Practicioner, ask for prayerful help. Listen to the practicioner.

Answer 4

Remember that quote on what John Wayne said about his wife. His wife needs him because shes glad at the fact that she has him in her hands and he cant slip out. She sounds like a person who wants to take a control of everything around her, since she probably feels that the is somewhat not powerful and is uncomfortable with that fact. She can't even control herself, so she does it to the other people around her. Most likely the one she feels who is important to her. He needs to tell her that all of this can effect a huge cange in their marriage. He needs to know if she really want to still be in this marriage or not. Marriage is not a joke, it is a commitment. I think that she needs to admit some things before she goes back to a psychiatrist. If she says no to any medication, then thats alright. Medication is not a MUST HAVE, its an option. But if her psychiatrist truly feels like she needs it, then she needs to take it. She needs to understand. Also some background family checks on the girl should be very helpful. Any depression or schizophrenia or ANYTHING in the family can result in the way of her behaviour problems. He needs to get these answers, and he shouldnt have to stall time. If he wants an answer fast then the best thing to do is to attack it quickly, BUT when he feels its the right time.

Answer 5

First let me say that I'm so sorry you're going through this... This is what I would suggest. Tell your hubbie that you are planning a nice night alone for the two of you. Get the kids out of the house, cook him a really nice dinner, set a romantic mood and then sit him down and talk to him in the same manner as you phrased your question. Make sure he knows that you aren't angry, you're worried about him and worried for your relationship. Tell him that you feel lonely, tell him that you feel like you are growing apart and that you are willing to do anything to make sure that doesn't happen...be supportive and comforting, and fight the urge to turn it into an arguement at ALL COSTS. If after that, you don't see any change in him, you might have to think about putting your foot down and doing the hard thing...maybe seperating for a little while until he can sort out his own issues and let you back into his heart.

Answer 6

Sounds as though he is suffering from depression and is in denial. Try to be supportive and let him know you care. There is not a lot you can do to force him to go to counseling, though. I would start by seeing a counselor yourself - he/she could probably advise you on best way to handle this situation. If you can't afford a counselor look to your church - they often have people trained to help you deal with things like this, as well as being a good support network for you.
Good luck . . .

Answer 7

This is not good, and I don't see this as having anything to do his brother's death. Since he doesn't see that he has a problem makes it worse, because he certainly does have one. And so do you. I am not a counselor, but you need to talk to one...and you need to know this is not your fault. Talk to a friend...or a counselor at a church. Consider being blunt with him about the situation...maybe he'll open up. I am not being flippant when I say ...we...are praying for you. But please see a counselor...much is at stake. Something is broke, and it needs to be fixed.

Answer 8

Are you sure he's talking to his mother? The signs point to him having an affair, but he could also be depressed. Hard to say. First step is for YOU to go to counseling by yourself. You have to take care of you before you can offer help to your husband. The therapist may offer suggestions on how to help your marriage and husband. Maybe offer to go with him to a grief support group (our local hospice has free meetings).

Answer 9

Your husband may be suffering from depression. It appears that you have communication problem with him at present. Why don't you try talking confidentially to some people very close to him about your problem and concerns? They may help you in communicating to your husband and convincing him on the need to seek professional help. Pray also for guidance and divine intervention.

Answer 10

Honey, if he won't go to a counselor then go without him. As far as expense, you can't afford NOT to go. This is the only way you are going to get a level of advice that will help you and your marriage--- not us dopes on yahoo.