How do you forgive a spouse that cheated on you once?

Question

I discovered my spouse cheated with a coworker once. I found emails that they were sending back and forth. This happened a few months before our one year anniversary. He denied it at first, but I kept pushing and pushing until he admitted it. It hurt me so bad because he is the type of man that would never hurt a woman. This was a total shock to me. I forgave him because we have been together for over 8 years and we have a beautiful family. We happened to be going through some tough times in our relationship, but not to the point where either of us wanted to call it quits. Every couple has their moments. I find it very difficult to forget especially since they work in the same place. She actually had the nerve to say she was falling in love with him. This ***** knew he was married with children, but obviously didn't care. She said all the right things to boost his ego, which made him even more vulnerable. I love him and he definitely loves me, but how can I get this out of my mind?

Answer 1

Sounds to me like you already have made peace with it and have forgiven him. Its the forgetting part that is hard. And the learning to trust him again which is his job to prove his self to be worthy of your trust. You won't be able to forget what he has done until he has earned your trust again. He has to be consistant and forthcomming about everything he does now. This is not something you can do for him this is something he has to do for you which is really not hard to do if your not trying to hide anything.

Answer 2

You should had known that marriage was not going to be perfect, and you and your husband know it. This is just one of the things that happens in marriage among a huge list of other possibilities. You just have to keep moving forward and deal with it, at the end, that's the idea of marriage and why vows are necessary. Also, he is a cheater (don't blame him), you put the kids before (you said to be a mom, not exactly a wife or lover), the guy must had been bored to hell so doesn't surprise me someone he went somewhere else to find what he didn't have at home or you were not giving him. Compare yourself with how you were when you were dating him, are you taking care of yourself?, he was attracted to that. How about your weight?. Hair length?, some married women they later go to a short low/easy to maintain hair cut instead of the long-sexy hair they had when they found their man (no worries, it's a natural process and that's the way it is, that's also why guys end up divorcing what they call "the selfish b*tch" in the cases that apply). So, it's your fault and his fault, basically, the fault of the two of you for what just happened. For not taking care of the relationship first and put the children as "the bosses". The relationship is the base of the union of the family in somehow, you don't take care of the relationship it will break, and with that will come the suffering of the children and of anyone - Just an oppinion. How to recover?, work-it-out with him, in one way or the other, make your best to stop talking about that and move forward, try to stay closer. Also, he is a cheater and you should know that. Cheaters stop being a cheater when they are caught, and they go back to cheating once the calm comes to the relationship (basically once you start taking care of the kids again), so it's the "scenario" that creates the temptation.

Answer 3

I'm going through the same thing now. You don't get it out of your mind for a long time. As time goes on, you think about it less, but it's always there. I think a spouse having an affair is something that one never forgets. I believe in time, I will forgive. What I'm finding out, though, is that forgiveness is a process. it doesn't happen quickly. I have to learn to trust him again. I have to continue to learn how to let go of the hurt, pain, and anger. It is taking time. My husband feels that I should just move on and get over it. It's not that easy. I am in counseling, as is he. We will eventually do it jointly when our therapists feel the time is right. Take your time. Forgiveness doesn't happen over night.

Answer 4

You are a lot more forgiving than I am, given the same circumstances. I admire you for that.

When trust is broken, it is very, very hard to mend. You may not ever completely forget about the episode, sad to say, but then again, a lot of life's experiences are like that. We cope with them and we move on -- a simple thing to say, but not easy to do.

And, yes, there are people out there who are amoral enough to flirt with married people, but your husband has to shoulder his weight of the responsibility for this. It does not matter how "vulnerable" he might have been, it takes two to tango, if you pardon the expression. He has to own up to what he has done, learn how and why this happened, and then work with you on reconciliation, including the trust he has betrayed, one day at a time.

Answer 5

he needs to find a new job if the woman still works at the same place.

Yes, we all go through bad times in a marriage but it doesn't mean we all go out and cheat.... it takes two to cheat and they both want to do it so it's not all about boosting his ego... if he felt in trouble why not go in for marriage counselling with you --- having sex with another woman isn't going to solve what's wrong in the marriage --- it'll surely start up the fireworks!!
They both share equally for the hurt they inflected on your marriage... don't lay it all on the woman because your husband betrayed the marriage vows(you also share some of the blame)... having an affair takes planning and they both worked on finding the time and place where they could get together.
Have you two got counselling? You have to resolve the issues that caused the betrayal in order for this marriage to heal. And forgiveness means "I forgive you" but you also have to be forgiven for not meeting his need(ask him to forgive you for not doing your part). Thoughts will also come up but you must learn to purge them from your mind by deleting them as quickly as possible... remind yourself that we are on fresh ground -- but you can only do that if you truly feel he is sorry and he's holding up his end .... that means he communicates his inner feelings with you(and you with him) --- you two are accountable to each other for what goes on in the relationship.

Answer 6

I was the cheater once. The wife and I since reconciled. But you never forget. You learn to live with that time.
I have sinced learned the women I was so attracted to has a mulitude of problems. Thank goodness I came to my senses and learned from this. I think now my marriage is better becuase I had to learn the hard way.
The woman I was involved with is 150 miles away, so it made it easier to not be tempted and get involved again.
A affair is not a easy thing to overcome, but we are a living proof it can be overcome.

Answer 7

The two of you need to get some counseling. This is a hard one to deal with. Every time you get into a fight , this will come up. If you choose to stay and forgive, you need to realize the battle you are up against. It is not impossible but very difficult. You need to be able to trust him again. Forget about the other woman and her issues and focus on you and your husband. He needs to regain your trust. The two of you need counseling one on one and then as a couple. Many marriages can be saved but this is the hardest because it is felt deep within your soul. Really think about this. There needs to be a consequence or it WILL happen again. Please try counseling.Hope this helps.

Answer 8

Okay key word here is you wrote that you forgave him! I don't think you really did. If this happened during the first year of your marriage and it is now over 8 years, why are you bringing it up now? I know all couples have problems but if this problem is still surfacing you need counseling---If you love him and he loves you do it for your relationship. There is no harm in seeking out professional help. To many families wind up apart because of there pride. Love is a precious gift from God and if you are lucky enough to have it in your life hold onto it, tight....Good Luck")

Answer 9

It's going to take a long time before the mental image of your man and this woman together leaves your mind. it's going to take a lot of talking and re-building trust before it actually happens. My first wife messed around on me and I divorced her without a second thought. For me, there is no going back. Once a cheater...always a cheater.

Answer 10

Your husband knew exactly what he was doing and did it willingly. For being the type of man that "would never hurt a woman" he proved himself wrong. And within one year of being married too. Sorry, but you will never forget he screwed around on you.