Has anyone else dealt with this kind of hurt and gotten over it? I can't forgive my wife on this issue ever.

Question

I'm separated and devastated (for 6 months). I have forgiven my wife for all but one thing. She never tried once to work on our 14 year marriage with two kids. I wasn't an abuser or a drunk.... We just took each other for granted. She wants nothing but to divorce and live a happy life in a townhouse with her two kids (50/50 custody). She was very religious and this goes against everything we believe in. I'm so sorry for my part of this mess yet she won't even try for the sake of the kids, friends, or good memories..... nothing! We had a good life, I am fit, and we had fun in the bedroom. Right now, if this ends in divorce, I feel that I can't forgive her and won't even speak to her ever again.
-If I have any contact at all it will be through email or something and only for the kids. I have forgiven her for the affair, not communicating her feelings and being bitter with me.

The only warning I got was she was acting like she was having a midlife crisis. -wanted a BMW convertible, hang out with rich friends. She in fact had an affair with a doctor.... Thats what I get for being an average guy that worked hard, never drank, or smoked. I was happy with our minivan (i thought it was cool). Now the kids will end up like us. Siblings of divorced parents with too much baggage....

We have visited the Pastor. Went to one councelling session after the fact...
She has disowned every Christian friend from our church. (even her best friend)

We both took each other for granted... not just me. It was a 50/50 problem.

I'm not a toad. I think finding another love is possible but THE KIDS are getting screwed the most here. I am a man and I can bear any pain on myself but not on my kids. We did not have a hostile life. The kids were in an awesome environment.

Answer 1

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Answer 2

First off, all I got from reading your 'question' was how everything is based on "poor you". I'm sorry your wife cheated on you; I'm sorry your marriage is over; I'm sorry you feel your kids are going to be so screwed up.........but listen to yourself. You act like you are the only one that is hurting! How do you know what she is going through? You only 'know' what you think you see. She may be going through a hell that you will never even fathom!
As for your kids...give them a break! They might be fine even through all of this! Kids are alot more resilient than parents give them credit for! If you raised them right while you were together with mom.....they will hold true to that. That's not to say that they might not have problems in their marriages...but even that can't always be blamed on a parents problems in their marriage.
As for you not ever speaking to her ever again, or never forgiving her.....give it up! Grow up! She needs for you to just back off and both of you take time to reflect on what has happened and what is going to happen in the near future. If your marriage is over, so be it.....but don't put your kids into the middle of it by treating them as if they are totally devastated by all that has happened, and that is exactly what it sounds like you are doing. Divorces are no more final than marriages are......maybe this is the best thing for right now....and maybe somewhere down the road, you two will get back together again.
She could possibly have some emotional/mental problems that may need to be addressed by a Doctor. But, that will have to be something that she seeks out. You can't interfere in that or that might just drive her farther away from you.
If you really care for her, and your children, just be there for them if they need you and give them their space the rest of the time.
Then, just hope for the best.....but accept the fact that the best may not mean the same thing to both of you. In that case, you need to re-evaluate your threats of no contact and such. That will do not good for your children.

Answer 3

If you have forgiving her than you done your part. This is a very hurtful thing to go through. But the kids will always keep you comunicating. The healing takes time. after about 2 or 3 years you will start feeling better if you get the divorce. But dont give up hope. Things may still fall into place. You have to be strong for the kids sake. I will pray for you. God bless you and your family

Answer 4

sorry but you cant make someone want you no matter how much you want it. Even though it will be hard but you must save face go on with your life maybe she just wasn't the one for you. And you have to speak to her she your kids mother and it isnt good that kids see anomosity between thier parents . I'm sure the seperation was hard enough for them. be adults about it and give her what she wants it may end up being the best thing for the both of you.because if you stay together she will probally cheat again because she isn't happy for whatever reason. And im telling you this from experience. goodluck it gets better with time

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I do understand your points. Your trying to hold on to your marriage and using everything you can to keep it together. Unfortunetly at the end of the day, it's her decision to leave. I'm sure she is aware of how you feel and how it effects the kids, but she's decided to do it.

I know your angry and feel that you don't want to talk with her. I felt the same way you do now. My ex wife left me for another man and we had a 3 year old daughter at the time. We weren't married nearly as long as you and your wife, so I can't honestly say that I can relate to the depth of pain and confusion your experiencing. Anyway, she left and I hurt, but eventually got over it. We had to talk because we still had a child to raise. It didn't just happen over night. It took me a good year before I could talk with her without it ending in an argument.

It really sucks that she is leaving, but only you know why it's happening. It's like being on a runaway train, you feel helpless to stop that train from crashing. She is going to do what she wants to do and probably doesn't care about what you think. She may have to force herself into an angry state of mind in order to deal with all the negative and hurt emotions. Only she knows what makes her do the things she does.

You should seek out some conceling to help you deal with the situation. It seems like you have alot invested and alot to lose here. It also seems like she is ok with this and that just makes it harder for you.

Please be strong and civil for your children. I'm sure they are having a very difficult time with this and need your positive support to help them find understanding and peace. Now more than ever you need to be a positive roll model for them.

Good luck and be strong.

Answer 6

You and I are 2 peas in a pod dude! My first spouse was once a bible university grad. She married me on account that i used to be destined to visit med tuition. She lasted 5 years and we had 2 youngsters. She made a colossal creation out of the divorce having household and Friends there whilst she instructed me. When I mentioned it could be the excellent factor and agreed she hit the roof. From that day on she was once probably the most evil individual I have ever witnessed. I acquired the youngsters within the divorce in order that sparked a few of her resentment, however nonetheless, devout females who opt for divorces appear so sour. I wasn't the excellent husband however as you'll inform from who acquired custody, I wasn't close the worst. I could say so that you can do as I have and transfer on. I am soooo fortunately married daily is a reward. However, do like I did, pass after any person so drop useless attractive it's going to make your x-spouse insane!

Answer 7

When love dies, it's gone so don't beat the dead horse let it go. And maybe your seeing those good memories through your eyes and maybe she doesn't see things that way. It doesn't take an abuser or a drunk to kill love. There are other types of abuse, emotional neglect, indifference. Maybe she did try in her own way or she wouldn't have stayed for 14 years. There comes a time to just move on. And for the sake of your children don't be petty and nasty towards their mother or you just might kill the love they have for you too.

Answer 8

I just went through the same thing with my husband of 20 years but all of our children are grown. You say she was very religious how are you with God. God worked a miracle in our life and we stopped the divorce only one month before it was to be final. I will send up prayers for you. I have forgiven my husband everything and will never mention it again and if you get your miracle this would be wise.

Answer 9

As you know I am going thru the same thing but my husband never cheated nor did I, He just said one day " I cant live with you anymore" That was very hard on me. He is very bitter and I dont know why and to beat it all he is a nerd who loves his guns and all I wanted to do was to go to church and be happy with him and our 2 kids. But maybe God is trying to get you to something or someone better. If she wants to leave let her. But if you really think that things could be back to normal with her if you got back together then work really hard to forgive her. Well you have to forgive her any ways!!! Thats just the thing, you really have to pray and ask God to help you forgive her, not only for yourself but your kids they watch you to see how you will respond to this, You are there Dad and noone can replace you in their lives.
Be the bigger person and seek God for answers, Christian men are hard to find and your wife someday will live to regret what she has done. But dont look for that as revenge just work on yourself and seek the true peacespeaker. He will never let you down..

Answer 10

Perhaps she felt neglected since you took her for granted. Or maybe you were not supportive in terms of spiritual matters. though you claim that you're not an abuser or drunk. Try self-evaluation and maybe you"ll find something missing in you that made her so withdrawn. If you could only encourage her to speak up it will be a lot easier for you to make some amendments and try to figure out ways that will save your marriage.

Answer 11

Seems odd that she is very religious, but she is not willing to work together on your relationship. I would go with her to church & point out some things that support your willingness to work out the issues in your marriage. Get a priest or minister involved to support your efforts.

If she is religious & still loves you, she will see this is the right path to go, esp for the kids. No kids like to live in a divided household.