Could someone give me some advice about the beginning of my story?

Question

This is the beginning of a story I have started:

As the sun crept slowly over the town of Camros in the early hours of the morning, there were few signs to show that this day was different. In the dim morning light, shadows could be seen moving about the square, chalky white houses. If one were to look up at the sky, the pale blue moon could still be seen moving slowly out of view as it was chased away by the new sun. The combination of the moon and red sun together made the sky a glowing purple and was a view that could only be seen for a few minutes every day. The scene was unique to anything else in the village and on that morning, only one person noticed it.
As Kala stared out at the sky from the window of the bell tower, she couldn’t help wishing that there was someone else there to watch the view with her. She was rarely awake so early in the morning but on the rare occasions when she couldn’t sleep, she loved to sit by her window and stare at the sky.

This is the first story I have ever written so if anyone has any ideas about things that could be changed, or even if its any good, I would be grateful!

P.S. This is just being written for leisure, not for any school work or anything like that!

Answer 1

wow, nice writing abilities! the second sentence might be better if you said "about the chalky white square houses". Maybe, maybe not. I would suggest this because when I first read it, it sounded like "moving about the square" (as in the main area of town) and the chalky white houses part didn't fit. Ponder on that.

"... combination of the moon and red sun together", see if you can put an adjecitve before the word "red". Make the colors jump into my head and become vivid.

"... to watch the view with her" Try to put an adjective before the view also. (OK now im sounding like an adj. freak) Say the glorious view... because when you say "the view", the first thing i thought was the talk show, "The View".

by the way, i'm an 8th grade student so you dont have to listen to a word i say, but listen to this....
continue writing because you have a wonderful talent and I hope to see this book one day out in stores (I'm an avid reader)

Is this a children's novel? Not the little pre school kind, but the one teens (13 year olds?) read? If it was, I would definitely check this book out of our school library

Answer 2

Well written. However, make it more descriptive. For example, you can begin with......The first faint rays of the morning sun crept over the town of Camros..........

Answer 3

sounds awesome keep going on want to know what it feels like in the room is it cold is warm is it damp dry where am i sitting or lieing what am i doing here

Answer 4

There's a new writers' group where you can discuss writing.
http://groups-beta.google.com/group/justwriters/about