do u think my frend is selfish?

Question

Seeing another post on the subject prompted me to ask a similar one.

I have a friend in an abusive controlling relationship to an acoholic drug taker. She is conditioned and even tho she knows what he is like she still stays. She plucked up the courage to leave last year after he broke her nose. Took her 3 yr old and left. Then she found out she was pregnant by him. I supported her and she was doing so well, but he wormed his way back in there. Now i rarely see her and shes pretending everyrthing is rosy, and hes changed etc. I don't believe it for a second. I realise u cannot ever make someone do something they don't want to. she will do what she wants and doesnt thank me for getting in the way. it will all goes to crap, which it will, next week, next year or in ten years. Its the kids i felt sorry for and I was so angry with her for being so selfish and putting them back in an abusive situation. Her 3 year old is now 4 and a horrible violent little girl.

Answer 1

Your friend is just brainwashed. Abusive partners really do convince their mates they deserve the abuse and make them fearful to leave.

I know I was in such a relationship. It took a therapist I was seeing for post-partum depression and months oftherapy for me to realize I had to leave, and even then I only did it so my kids wouldn't view that relationship as normal and repeat it themselves.

It's very tough. On Dr. Phil's website, Hedda Nussbaum put out a list of how to tell when you have an abusive partner. Find it and print it out and give it to her. Perhaps if she sees the pattern she'll begin to see the need for help.

If you think the kids are abused call CPS, over and over until they investigate.

She isn't being selfish, she's been emotionally beaten down and is under his control.

I don't know how to better explain that except to say, she deserves your sympathy, not anger; and to say there may be little you can do to get her out.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I know why you see it as selfish and I get that..

But until you have been there, you don't know. It's a confusing time for her. Yes for her kids too, but in a twisted way she THINKS at this point she is doing the right thing.

Many abusive men tell their women that they CAN'T make it on their own, they CAN'T support themselves, they'd NEVER find another man that would put up with her crap and her kids.. yadda yadda yadda..... and after it's heard so many times, the woman believes this (can happen to men too, it's just not as frequent).

The best thing you can do, is listen, be there for her, print out that page from Dr. Phil's website, buy a book for her called Co-Dependent No More, by Melodie Beaty. It's a great book and talks about HER part in the cycle and what happens in it. Most women in that situation feel 'the rest of us don't understand' and feel VERY alone, because they cannot talk about things with friends or whoever. So, please, I know you are frustrated, and do your part to be a good friend and always make sure she has a place to stay safe. Best Wishes and Good Luck!!

Answer 3

yes these situations suck but what can you do other then try to help which never works? i wouldnt call your friend selfish exactly more like scared of being alone, scared of loosing all that she knows, scared to step out on her own, and blinded to the true reality of the situation...she probably has convinced herself she can make it better as well as im sure she doesnt want to look like a failure to those around her...im not this way but so many are ive dealt with this too...either she'll get to a point on her own where she gets fed up and makes the move or life will just drag on in a real bad way

Answer 4

its ahrd for an abused women to leave or stay away from a man like that.i went trough this with my daughters father all i wanted was for my baby to have a family one i didnt have with a mom and a dad.he never hurt her only me so i thought it was okay and he always said he would change they do for awhile untilthey now youll stay.i left 3 time before i stayed away for good.just be there for her she needs you even if you think shes making a bad choice be her strength and keep telling her it will be okay.

Answer 5

CAll child protective services on the boyfriend/father/husband or whoever he is.

Your friend is a fool.

Answer 6

Call child protective services.

Answer 7

And for grown women who are selfish like little girl you need to stay out your friend business maybe you are the one taking drugs,
and the alcoholic and just maybe everything you posted is about you. butt out my your own business you selfish ignorant little girl and how the spelling now you miss spelled alcoholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!