Ahhh, I need advice! I met my current boyfriend 5 years ago through a mutual friend and at the time, I was told he was borderline gay but most definitely homosexual. However, after we met initially, we started talking online and he told me that it was love at first sight. I was flattered, but being younger than him, I was scared to death. I went to college and we remained friends but he continued to pursue me. 2 years ago, we started hanging out a little more and I really started to fall in love with him. Eventually, I gave in and agreed that we could try. Fortunately, our relationship has been amazing. He is a great man who cares very deeply about me. However, he maintains that he is bisexual an admits that he has urges to be with men. Our sex life is great, but I am an insecure woman and it is very troubling to me that I may not be able to fully satisfy him. He says he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, but I am just scared. I love him with all my heart, what should I do?
2006-10-25 11:00:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I apologize-- I meant to say that he thought he was mostly gay but definitely bisexual.
2006-10-25 11:16:10 · update #1
He swears that he hasn't been with anyone since we have been together but he has looked at gay porn which troubles me. He swears he won't look at it again if it really bothers me and I want to believe him. I love him, and the very idea of not being with him makes me feel sick. It has been rocky between us lately because of our issues but the love between us is so strong. I believe that he truly wants to be with me for the rest of his life but I'm just worried that it will change later on....like many of you have said..when I have 3 kids and we have been married for 15 years.
2006-10-25 11:53:56 · update #2
It doesn't sound like his sexuality is an issue more than your trust in him. This is a problem because he has put trust in you; he has told you things about his sexual desires that many men have never intimated.
To prove my point, you say him looking at gay porn disturbs you. Why does it disturb you? He's looking at porn that turn him on. That's what it's for. How much love and trust can you really have for a man if you want to deny him something that sexually stimulates him, especially when you are the benefactor of that stimulation?
Just because he is attracted to men does not mean he's going to act on it. It sounds as if you are applying the untrue "gay stigma" of being promiscuous without him having done anything to warrant that. Again, that is a trust issue on your part. You said yourself you are an insecure woman - why make him suffer for that?
Get over your trust issues and show him that you love him. He has shared intimate details of his sexuality, now you should share intimate knowledge of your fears. After this much time I'm sure he knows about those issues, but you both still need to communicate.
Good luck.
2006-11-01 15:30:24 · answer #1 · answered by Speedo Inspector 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok has he had sex with another man since you have been together? You need to find out if his "thoughts" are just that or if he feels he may need to act on them later. If being with you is what he wants I personally think he shouldn't have "thoughts" of anyone but you. But that is just my opinion. As long as he won't go off cheating, with a man or woman, and your ok with the fact he thinks about it from time to time then go for it. You have to clarify what he plans to do about that side of him and then depending on his answer you then decide what you can and cannot put up with and make a choice from there. You don't want to wake up one day married for 15 years with a few kids and a lot more to lose and then find out he wants to leave you cause he found a new "boyfriend". I mean people can do that to you regardless if they leave you for a man or woman but try to be sure before you jump into marriage. It's great as long as you have the right partner. Good luck! He sounds like a great guy overall.
2006-10-25 11:23:55 · answer #2 · answered by Lovemykids 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is sort of a peculiar situation. i don't think i am qualified to answer this question being that I am a heterosexual male but I'll try. If he truly loves you, then your relationship should be fine. You have to be sure that he knows that you want a strictly monogomous relationship with him with absolutely no fooling around with either sex. You must make this absolutely clear. Being that he is bisexual probably means that he has been rather promiscuous in his day. You need to make sure that all of the experimentation is completely out of his system and he is truly ready to settle down. Most of all, the relationship has to be something that he wants. If he truly wants to be monogomous with one single girl the rest of his life than he needs to commit to some sort of engagement and have the full realization that you are going to be the only one for the remainder of his life. Much like a heterosexual man, i guess.
2006-10-25 11:08:46 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, close your eyes and picture the man of your dreams having wild, kinky sexy in a hotel that you pay by the hour, with another man, that he's bought and paid for, by the hour. Has that got your attention yet? While I am sure this man is just wonderful, you are willingly walking into a hell that is going to turn your life upside-down when you least expect it. You'll probably have at least 3 kids by the time he decides he just can't hide that side of his life anymore and he's going to run off and live with the neighbor from down the street. The one he's been working out with or playing golf with for years.
You're headed for a nervous breakdown if you continue this sweetie........
2006-10-25 11:05:48 · answer #4 · answered by fedupwithu 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The fact that he talks openly about his sexual preference should be a warning to you. A man in love with you will not stray. Simple as that.
You can expect heartache with this man. Sorry to be so blunt, but he has already admitted these urges as if to say that they are beyond his control.
You will always be suspicious of his inner desire for sex with men. It will eat at your relationship. You are not insecure, but over time his admission to you that he could stray will make you crazy. You are reacting like any rational woman would.
2006-10-25 11:16:33 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go slowly, slowly, slowly. It's very likely that the "urges" won't go away. It's a very good sign that he's honest about them but there are no guarantees in this life and the fewer uncertainties when you go into a commitment, the better--for both of you. Take time and let the relationship develop more fully. Be vigilant.
2006-10-25 11:44:14 · answer #6 · answered by DelK 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I want to say love is all you need, but in all reality that is not true. You need to be able to trust the person your with and know that he will be unconditionally faithfull. You should discuss your concerns with him and see what conclusion you guys come to. A marriage or relationship counsler may be able to help also. If he feels that he won't be able to control his urges for men or that he wont be happy unless he is able to have sex with other men then you may be better off as freinds. I know it is hard to leave someone when you love them, but in the long run that may be the better choice. GOOD LUCK
2006-10-25 11:07:32 · answer #7 · answered by just a girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is older, so he wants the stability of married life (wife and kids). At the same time, you need to ask him (and yourself) if this is going to be an open marriage or just the two of you. Has he been with another man since you two have been together.
2006-10-25 11:03:37 · answer #8 · answered by tbonz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you can maintain your side of the monogamy, but you worry if he can.
No one can know for sure if the relationship will work.
Talk with him directly about your concerns, your fears, and your needs in the relationship.
Observe how he responds. If he states that he can meet your need for monogamy, then you have to make a decision to trust him or not.
I would suggest taking a long walk alone, meditating, and tuning in to your inner wisdom.
2006-10-25 11:07:28 · answer #9 · answered by a_blue_grey_mist 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love isn't enough to sustain and maintain a relationship.
I don't believe this is a good idea. I think you were foolish to date a gay man and expect monogamy (borderline gay but most definitely homosexual.)
Would you marry a man who said he had urges to be with other women?
Would you marry a man who said he had urges to be with teenage girls?
Would you marry a man who said he had urges to be with dogs?
Would you marry a man who said he had urges to be with anyone but you?
If you insist on marrying him, have your tubes tied. Don't bring children into this mess- they deserve better.
2006-10-25 11:05:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋