I have been married for 5 years but am still a virgin. My husband and I did have oral sex at the beginning?

Question

he stopped doing it in the past few months. He says he has no more interest in me sexually but just has affections for me (more so, the guilt of hurting me). He wants me to leave him and says his feelings for me have gone, though he does call me (we are temporarily living in diff towns) and keep crying to me about what a good wife I am. But last time, he pointed out loads of my bad habits and said they put him off.

I dont know, is it his sexual incapability that may be making him act this way? Or could it be vice versa- his secret hatred towards me which made him inactive in the first place!

cant even go to a counsellor if he is adamant it wont work!

Thanks a lot for all your answers, I do understand how shocked you all are. But pls I want to say some more:
We were seeing each other for 7 years before we got married (since teens) and we didnt live together/have sex. There are many couples pledged towards that.

So we had a love marriage...a magical one because he always treated me like a princess. To be hinest I HAVE been cruel to him a lot of times...like he wanted me to give up smoking and I didnt and told him to shut up...but he still always loved me.

I dont knwo why suddenly he is sooo sad and wants me to leave him. Of course the fact that we never did it is BAD but why cant we see a counsellor because there was love in the first place? But he seems adamant,,...

Could be either of our fault...we tried but we didnt and then opted for oral.....I know it is sad but we did think its okay and will happen eventually.

Dont know whether to leave him without a try. Could it be my smoking or something that put him off??////

Answer 1

You have to get self respect and leave this worthless ratbag..how dare he treat you like this..A marriage is not like this..prison sentences are probably better than this so called marriage..You have good grounds for divorce..Contact your lawyer as soon as...You will be so much happier without him.

Answer 2

Honey, this marriage is not a marriage. Where and when did the two of you decide that there was no sexual intercourse?

Reading between the lines, it appears that it is he who has a problem with sex, and not you. You see, a man, who truly desires a woman, even if he isn't in love with her, will always find a way to have sex with her, even if he doesn't like her bad attitude that afternoon, or the fact that she smokes. He must have known you smoked before marriage, it didn't stop him from marrying you, now did it?

He is either impotent or he is just not sexually attracted to women. The impotence can be dealt with, the homosexuality can't.

For him to now have you convinced that you are a good wife who has bad habits that have put him off sex, is just twisted, it really is. I think most of the people replying to you are in agreement with that one.

He doesn't appear to want to improve things through counselling. Not many men like taking that route. If you are still convinced that this marriage is for you, then go on your own to seek help.

His actions so far seem to say that in his mind it is already over and that he is wanting you to end it, so that he doesn't look like the bad guy for leaving you.

Getting the marriage annulled is probably not a step you want to take, however, you need to look at yourself and ask yourself, is this what you expected from a marriage? Would anyone who cared about you, knowing the full details of your marriage, condemn you for leaving? The answer to both is no, isn't it? A fulfilling sexual relationship is a normal and healthy part of expressing the love that two people have for each other.

Eventually you will meet a man who truly desires you and then you will understand exactly what I am saying here, as is everyone else. Like some of the others, I suspect that your husband is in fact homosexual and you have been a convenient 'cover' for him.

An impotent man, although embarrassed, will eventually seek some help for his condition, even if it is buying something from an internet site.

Five years is a long time not to do something about having sex with your wife. Unless it is the case that he is extremely sexually repressed and there is something preventing him from expressing himself in that manner, in which case, he needs professional help.

Normal men want to have sex with the women they are with, whether they love them or not.

I wish you all the good wishes for making your life work out the way you want it to. May you meet someone who is right for you.

Answer 3

OK not to sound stereo typical but it sounds as if he's either gay or sleeping with someone else. I'm confused at why he says your a good wife but then basically says he hates you Cos if someone cant tolerate your habits he doesn't love you Cos that is what love is after all learning to love the other person despite all of your flaws. hes sounds like he has some major issues and he really isn't worth it Cos despite how much you love him there will always be this hostility inside him and it will always come back up, at the end of the day nobody is really worth that. on a second note how can you live without sex especially in a marriage, sex is feeling and emotion that's why its called making love and in a marriage making love also means creating life, merging your souls together and bringing them together to make a baby. sex also helps with stress and aggression but that's just the f***ing side of it but its all good and its all needed for a successful life together. it seems he really didn't want to get married and is making your life a misery. for your sake leave him you can do much better.

Answer 4

First, virginity is more a state of mind, and not physical. The act changes how you view it, just as the act of eating from the tree of life gave Adam and Even the knowledge of sin. Once done, it cannot be undone, so no, you are not a virgin.

As for you husband, he may be experiencing depression and needs to be tested. This month is National Depression Screening month, so check your local mental health center to see whether they have already had the free screening.

There is the possibility that he's ASEXUAL, meaning that he has no clear interest in sexual activity with anyone. Often these men and women are accused of being gay, as some suggest above, when they are not. Though born this way, it still may be treatable, as they simply are not producing certain hormones that generate that desire. It is estimated that 10-15% of people, mostly males, are asexual.

It is very hard for males to be willing to get tested for depression, so one excuse I use on men to get them to go is that part of the reason for the national depression screening is that they also need persons who are not depressed for establishing a base line of where America is as regards depression.

I often find it interesting when a man wants sex while the woman doesn't, it is considered abusive and controlling, being a form of domestic violence against women.

When the man doesn't want sex, it is also consider abusive and controlling behavior, also a form of domestic violence against women.

Answer 5

Sweetheart, I am a lot older than you and have been through a divorce myself. Reading what you've written makes me feel sad. Sad that the two of you can't sit down and talk this through and sad that you feel something like failure to give up smoking is a good enough reason for him to act this way towards you. Don't you realise that when someone loves you, they may not love all about you (such as smoking, drinking, swearing, the colour of your hair, the extra pounds you may have put on etc), but if they really love you, then they love you warts an' all! I bet he isn't perfect but that doesn't stop you loving him.
Have some self respect girl and file for divorce. Out there is a man who will give you some real loving, physical as well as emotional. Take care x

Answer 6

Oh dear.... what a sad state of affairs. I think you will have to accept your marriage is over. You are even living in different towns now. If someone wants to have sex, and is able to, then, believe me, they will!!!

If he doesnt want to see a counsellor, then there is really no hope. If you havent had sexual intercourse your marriage can be annuled on non-consummation of marriage.

Please don't waste your life wishing and hoping for something that is not going to happen. Get an annulment or a divorce, and try to move on.

Plenty of lovely guys out there, and if you want a proper sexual relationship and possibly children, then you need to find one!

I wish you good luck in the future.

Answer 7

Honey,you can and should go to a counselor.WITHOUT him.Anyone that feels they need to take another persons inventory,without taking their own first,is a very insecure person.And I'm sorry to say your husband is VERY insecure!Is he certain about his sexuality? He sounds like maybe he's not sure if he's gay,or bisexual.
I don't know how old you and your husband are,but he is being entirely self centered.You have wasted 5yrs of life with this person that is obviously confused. Honey,Please have more love for yourself than to go on like this.Get a divorce,as soon as possible.Get a therapist because after you allowing yourself to be treated like this for 5yrs,you have some issues with your self esteem.And then move on with your life and never look back!!! If he calls you and says what a great wife you are,then you must have some very good qualities.And he's the one with the problem.I don't know what state you live in,but in several states, if you're separated for 6mos or more, you can get a divorce right away.
BUT BETTER YET,GET YOUR MARRIAGE ANNULLED. YOUR MARRIAGE HAS NOT BEEN CONSUMMATED,AND THE SLATE CAN BE WIPED AWAY!!!!!
But still get a therapist,just for what you went through.
Good luck sweetheart,and God bless.
Don't blame any of this on yourself, you just got mixed up with someone that is confused.And was selfish enough to pull another person into their confusion.

Answer 8

If you have not consummated the marriage yet, I believe that it is not an "actual" marriage. Maybe I am wrong - But I'm sure I have heard that somewhere you must consummate the marriage. (Is it some kind of law????)

Can I also add - Please do not blame your smoking as the cause of a marriage breakdown. It must be something so much more than your smoking.

Hunny...Whatever it is, I wish you all the luck in the world. Move on...It will take time, but you will be fine. You will find someone who you will love and you will have that love back from them.

Answer 9

Did you have any problems in attempting sex the first time? Sometimes *** RECURRENT AND HURTFUL FIRST EXPERIENCES *** (like with women suffering from VAGINISMUS- search for it on web) can ultimately lead to a negative conditioning in wanting to have sex for men. ELABORATE on what you mean when you say... guilt of hurting me... does it mean PHYSICALLY HURTING you. You have to rule that out.

Go to a Counselor first. Tell him that unless he sees a counselor, your marriage does not have a chance. If he is Depressed, the counselor can diagnose that and mabye presecribe something. **DEPRESSION** can also supress desires.

If nothing works, LEAVE!!! For whatever Oprah says (about sexless marriages), it is scientifically proven that Sex is good for your health and mental well being.

In US (I don't know where you are), I must advise you that ANNULMENT IS VERY VERY DIFFICULT (if not impossible) and not worth the cost after 5 years. Within first year, it would have been OK. Could you mention your location(state/country)?

Answer 10

Sweetie this is classic emotional abuse. In it's finest and simplest form. A man that will sit there and point out your faults like that doesn't love you. I don't care what anyone here says, he does not love you and frankly I don't think he ever did. If you could step back far enough to see this objectively I think you'd be shocked.

Please don't waste any more of your time waiting for him to turn around and be loving toward you because he won't. He can't, he's emotionally disturbed (and I think he hates women in general). You would be much better off divorced from him and soon. I don't mean that lightly - he has your head screwed on so backwards, and it will continue if you let it.

Answer 11

i may be wrong but it sounds to me like your husband has been fighting with himself about weather he is gay or straight. Honey sex is part of a marriage. If i were you i'd file for divorce asap. 5 years is a long time to be married and not have sex. you say your still a virgin most men would give there left one to get to be with a virgin. I hate to ask did you have a prenup? It is not worth it to waste money on a counselor. I am just sorry that you havent got to feel what it feels like to have a man truely love you and want to share something that special as virginity with it's not often you find a woman who has waited.