His wife left 3 years ago, ending a 28 year marriage... they were hs. sweethearts, and she just got tired of being married. She's a bright lady with a Ph.D, but works managing small businesses, for not much money. She has no health insurance, neither does he. But when asked, he has provided tires for her car. and helped her out of other problems as well -- still her provider and rescuer. She may be facing a surgery, and he is about to pay for it.... He says he would do this for any of his friends. I can't be the type of person to tell someone what to do. But should I tell him how upset I feel? Or should I just shut the hell up. We are a committed couple. I am friends as well with my ex of 20 years, but I am not in the habit of lending anyone money -- in his case, he would be giving to her. Is this out of line, or am I out of line?
Your thoughtful and analytical answers would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.
2006-10-25 09:59:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He is a gentleman, and being generous with an ex is a reflection of his good nature. If he can afford it... why not?
This is whi he is and his values. This shows thta he is a caring, compassionate person... they are not many of those left. This are wonderful qualities in a human being. Don't be upset, you are very lucky to share your life with someone as caring and he is.
He is YOURS Elisabeth, so don't be jealous. You are the owner of his heart and compassion is testament of his good heart. He is there for her and his friends and you too. What a wonderful man you have.
Be happy that he is a wonderful person. Would you rather be with a bitter, grudge holding , cheap jerk?
Good luck
2006-10-25 10:05:45 · answer #1 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is a toughy.
I call B.S. on the fact that he would do this for any of his friends. Help out here and there maybe but it sounds like this is a fairly regular thing. Also, he is giving her money - not loaning. People just don't do that - even for friends and family usually. You'll have to face up to the fact that they still have a connection to each other and deal with it.
She's using him and he is letting her. Bottom line. If he stopped giving her handouts whenever she asked she may be forced to learn some money management and what it's like to stand on her own two feet.
I think this goes beyond "helping a friend out". I would sit him down and have a serious talk and don't let him get away with "I'd do this for anybody..." speech because that's a cover up. Perhaps he's in denial himself about it. It may not be a pretty conversation but one that you should have.
He should be saving that money in case of emergencies.
2006-10-25 10:07:22 · answer #2 · answered by betsymaemae 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
28 years is a long time and in his case he is used to taking care of this woman. If you feel the need to communicate your concerns, do so in a concerned manner. Try not to say it in a way for him to take offense or in a negative manner about the ex-wife. Just tell him that you have concerns that she is taking advantage of his obvious generous nature.
Suggest if he really feels the need to pay for these expenses to treat them as loans. that she should pay him back at some set time.
If this surgery is a medical neccesity then she should look into having the state pay for the procedure rather than have him pay for it.
Personally it sounds like she got tired of the mudane parts of marriage but not the financial benefits.
Good Luck.
2006-10-25 10:11:19 · answer #3 · answered by Goddess1971 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I defanently see where you are comming from and see the big picture here. I think you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend and tell him if you guys are going to be in a serious relationship and talk about marrage even, then he defanently needs to back off the ex and let her pay her own bills. She has a Ph.D for Christ sakes with NO INSURANCE? That's BULL! I really do think you need to step out of your shell for a bit and speak up, if you ever have a kid from this guy is he going to stop providing for the baby because his ex needs a band-aid? Honestly I wish you the best of luck and as far as anything else if this doesn't work for you, I would recomend you get another b/f because he's defanently not appriciating anything you do for him. GOOD LUCK..and GOD BLESS!!
2006-10-25 10:04:41 · answer #4 · answered by ~* Pink Princess *~ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe just for the sake of your sanity you should tell him how you feel. Let him know that you're not exactly sure how to feel about him helping her out so much.
I can understand them still helping one another out here and there - but it sounds like she's pretty dependent on him still - and that's not really a good thing to let go on for too long.
Friendship is one thing - financial support is another. :)
2006-10-25 10:03:12 · answer #5 · answered by Niko 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I feel that once you are divorced that kind of thing should stop. My husbands ex did that for awhile but finally my husband realize she was using him. Plus at the time I felt he still had feelings for her although he would not admit it. He even gave her a bday present from victoria secret. I got upset and told him and then he realize she was using him and he quit
2006-10-25 10:05:49 · answer #6 · answered by lpdecca 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't be looking at you and him. Ypu should be looking at you and her. She's facing finacial problems because her husband left her...and seriously a 28 year old marriage creates a big tie between him and her, it's natural for him to watch out for her...just wait until she's able to stand up by herself. Just don't worry & focus on your own life.
2006-10-25 12:41:30 · answer #7 · answered by G-unot 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well if she got tired of marriage,why is she accepting money from him, has she no morales, surely he has better things to spend his money on than an ex who left him. yes you should tell him how you feel as your a commited couple you need to be honest
2006-10-25 10:35:02 · answer #8 · answered by wiltshire lass 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How he spends his money isn't any of your concern. You're not his wife.
If he chooses to help her, that's his choice. If you don't like it or disagree, find a man who wasn't married to the same woman for 28 years/recently divorced. Obviously he's not emotionally divorced and probably never will be. It's too bad they broke up.
2006-10-25 10:04:19 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
You saying something about something he truly believes in his heart he has to do either w/ her or anyone that is in need, would create friction in your relationship possibly ending your relationship. You need to be understanding about what he does for others instead of trying to compare yourself to him. he sounds like a good guy ... You willing to let that go?! and find youlself w/ a selfish , ****** ! I think not.
2006-10-25 10:11:56 · answer #10 · answered by lopez76g 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋