"Stealth" or not to "stealth"?

Question

I have a friend MTF (pre-op, 7 years hormones, small town) who is really stressed out about going "stealth" or not to...please only serious answers, from those who understand the above mentioned terms! Thank you! If this is to "public" of a forum, feel free to email me!

I would like to thank those who have responded (so far) for their honest and helpful answers!
http://transitions-mtf.blogspot.com (maybe leave a comment)

Answer 1

To be honest I think someone feels the most free when he/she can be who she/he is!
Anyway, if she wants to live in stealth and she thinks that she will feel better this way, it's her choice. She might be right, although I doubt it! You will always have to hide something, always have this secret and feelings of shame. Can you feel truly happy that way?

Answer 2

Well, there are reasons to do so and reasons not. As someone else said, it feels good to be related to as a woman, without any strings attached and people bringing their own assumptions/expectations to one's state as a transsexual. It's nice, makes you feel good, etc..

However, the downsides can be pretty bad. Even though it is no one's business, and you are a real woman and others should respect that, people (especially the transphobic) will feel you have "lied" to them, and consequently there is a danger of physical and emotional harm, as well as possibly losing a job, etc., etc.. Since it is a small town, it can be infintismally worse- or better, depending. Generally, the more rural it is, the more prejudice there is, but sometimes a small community can rally around a person. Either way.

The other thing is psychological health. There was once a time when all transsexuals were advised to completely whitewash their pasts- destroy all evidence of their childhoods, disconnect with family members and most old friends, reinvent new pasts, and start their lives fresh in the other gender. Not only is that sad and upsetting (to leave behind those things!), but it 1) increases the "lying factor", 2) denies your wholeness as a person (you might not have liked being born a boy, but you were, and acknowledging it is healthy), 3) puts tremendous stress on you in terms of worrying about a secret. That, to me, is the big deal.

It's not fun to live your life in fear of being 'discovered'. It's a half-life, always looking over your shoulder. So my advice is that if your friend isn't scared of anyone finding out, and their actions afterward, going stealth isn't a problem. If it is something she will think about constantly, watching her actions, etc. to make sure no one knows, then I'd prefer her to divulge everything (so long as she is safe within the community). Just my two cents.

Answer 3

I was talking about this to my friend, who's pre-everything MTF. And...she's a loud, radical, angry queer type person. She was saying that while right now, she's incapable of stealth, she didn't really think she would later on. Personally, while I'm on the outside and don't presume to fully "get" it, I tend to think it's kind of a really personal decision. It's like...once someone is as far along as they want to go, it seems like many people wouldn't ID as "transgender" anymore, and that makes sense to me. They're just "women" or "men", and that's good enough. On the otherhand, I can also completely understand how someone would want to claim that experience, and own that experience, and hang on to that identity. I don't think there's a "right" answer, and I don't think your friend should feel pressured either way; just go with what makes sense and feels right.

Answer 4

Ya know. I think that if I were transexual, I'd want to go stealth if I could. Even if it was for just a little while. A person will never truly know what it feels like to be a woman if others are always going "Oh, Sheila? She used to be a man, you know." If ya can go stealth. I say go for it.

Answer 5

stealth leads to possible dangerous situations. my advise is be open and honest. what if she is in stealth mode and dating a guy and he has no clue but finds out on the date. i think that would be a very dangerous situation. by open and honest i mean she doesnt go around telling everyone who she is but only reveals the truth when its much needed. to avoid those dangerous situations.

i dont tell who i am but i dont live in stealth mode either and i wont be in stealth mode after surgery for the simple fact that i can not hide from my past. and if i try it will get me in trouble with people i love.

Gwen Araujo was a very passable young woman who lived in stealth mode and she paid for it with her life when she was beat to death in a brutal murder.

she needs to be careful

Answer 6

thats a tough one, she'll be female but most straight guys can't deal with that used to be a guy thing, and gay men who would understand won't be interested. i'd say be very careful, there have been attacks and even murders of people because of this. i don't have any answers other than to use common sense and be careful. she might be better off to start over where no one knows her, then at least the chances of getting "outed" are slim. i wish her the best of luck!!!