Why has my wife become so much less sexual?

Question

Ok, here goes... My wife and I have been married for 5+ years. Average late 20s white couple.
She was very sexually active in HS to the point of sneaking out of the house to have sex with a man of another race. Then, had 3 other sex partners in college before we met. I had not had sex at all before I met her. LOTS of stored up energy...At first, our chemistry was great and we were EXTREMELY sexual for all of our courtship (2 years). Then, about 3 months before our wedding, she wanted to halt that so we could feel "virginal" on our wedding night which was perfectly normal.
Then, we were married, sex some but not like previously. Then, we got pregnant which became her #1 excuse for no sex (understandable). Then, her weight became the excuse even though I love her body and am a person that always makes her feel good. Now, money and stress are excuses. she makes me feel like a rapist for wanting sex with her more than twice a month. There's no cheating but I feel completely left out

Thanks for the great answers. A little more info...

We have been married for 5 years and our child is 4. So, this is not a new problem due to the new child. Its been going on for a while now. And, I work VERY hard to make her feel pretty. I encourage her to go to the spa, have fun without me and the kid, etc.

Also, I am not a wham, bam, thank ya ma'am person in the sack. I almost always START with her and make sure she feels loved.

Thanks again for the great answers. I think we definitely need to go to couseling.

Answer 1

This is a very dramatic change in her behavior. Outside the bedroom, maybe over dinner, have a conversation with her and ask her what has changed in her own mind, and whether she feels resentment for you or some other negative feeling. Tell her you miss her in a physical sense, and that the loss of that is making you feel emotionally detached from her too. Be non-judgmental, and let her tell you all her feelings.

Answer 2

You know, I read somewhere that when women feel safe they stop feeling the need to preform in the bedroom. What a load. At least that is not the way for me. I find that the man I am with, I love more and more each time. I love to make love with him. All he has to do is touch my neck and whisper in my ear, and I am his.

Seriously though, I think your wife has some issues to work out. She needs to find a way to be happy. You really should ask her about this. Maybe she doesn't even know herself.

I know that I am a very sexual person but when I am made to feel like that is all my man wants from me, I get turned off and would rather be alone. This has happened in my past so many times, it gets hard in the end to know the difference. The man in my life now makes me feel so loved, I can't refuse, then again, I am more happy and confident and comfortable with myself then I have been in a long time.

I would suggest, that you be totally honest with each other and take the time to find out the real cause of this issue.

I wish you both all the luck.

Answer 3

I'm not sure what the bit about her having sex with someone of another race has anything to do with it.... but anyway...

This is how relationships work. It's completely normal for couples to experience dry spells. Especially when they have kids, and financial problems. Also, it doesn't matter whether you think her body is sexy or not, she has to feel it.

This happened in my marriage as well, and really it had to do with issues that had nothing to do with it. I felt unappreciated, I was tired after having taken care of the kids all day, sex felt like a chore. It wasn't romantic anymore.

Try doing something for your wife without the expectation that it could lead to sex. Go away for a weekend, or send her to a spa for a day. Help around the house more. Please don't do anything stupid like buy her a gym membership, your heart may be in the right place, but she will take it the wrong way!

Answer 4

It's funny I am having the opposite problem. But as for your wife, did she have any issues in the past regarding sex, such as sexual molestation???? I only ask because some females after being molested either are very sexual or not sexual at all. You are not the first man to go thru this. I have a friend who says the same thing about his wife. Have you sat down and asked her what the problem may be? If so, you need to tell her exactly how you are feeling. To me, it's very selfish to withhold sex from your partner. You are probably really frustrated and if she is not giving you a valid reason, you deserve to know what's going on.

Answer 5

Dear Joe, This is a very difficult question. If your wife cheated and you are trying to make it work. You would need to forgive her and never bring the subject back ever again. As far as the xual relationship between each other. Do you feel you still have the chemistry or is it gone? There must of been some reason why the Mrs. took off. Get to the ground of it and deal with it. Both of you need to ask each other what is it you want in the bedroom being specific with each other so that both of you can fulfill your xual needs.

Answer 6

it sounds like your wife has got some stuff going on emotionally. she may be depressed. sometimes after you have a baby you get depressed, and it can last awhile. and if she feels stressed out about money and other things, it will make it worse. for a women,( at least me) it takes feeling an emotional connection to want to have sex. maybe there is something you can do to reconnect with her again. maybe take her out. romance her. make her feel beautiful, loved, special. the more you tell her shes beautiful for no reason or try to cuddle or give her a back rub, the more she'll (hopefully) start feeling close to you, which will make her more interested in sex. it could have something to do with her birth control also. some birth controls actually put a damper on your sexual feelings. i had to switch my pills because of that. i know what its like to not want to have sex because you are too tired or stressed. you are really going to have to make a positive effort to bring some life back into the bedroom. dont let her feel pressured to have sex. then she definatly will not want to. like i said, take her out (or do somthing romantice after the baby is asleep). if you try all that and it doesnt work, i would try to get her to open up about how she feels. you may find out that she is depressed. good luck!

Answer 7

you may be fine with the way her body looks but she isn't. When women were at their peak physically and something such as a pregnancy or other types of weight gain, they feel not as sexy as they used to. She needs to become comfortable with herself again before you will have that great sex again. you can sit down and ask her what you can do to help her relieve her stress. Maybe buy her a spa day as a gift, she might be all wound up and not just doesn't feel that she would be able to give you the attention that you deserve during sex. I would talk to her and express your feelings.

Answer 8

She's not doing this on purpose. I've been in her shoes and believe me - it is not fun. It could be hormonal changes, stress (big libido killer), self-consciousness from her weight (that was my biggest issue). It may be that sex is painful (I was in pain for over 2 yrs. after my son was born - mentally this made it very difficult for me to have sex).
Had I known sex was so important to men I would have taken steps to do something about it from the get go. Unfortunately life often gets in the way. She may also be suffering from a bit of post-partum depression and not know it.
The best thing you could do for her (and yourself) is to sit down and calmly discuss this with her. You should also seek counseling for the two of you - eventually leading to sex therapy if she still has problems. You need to let her know that you are willing to help reduce her stress by helping out around the home, being supportive, and being affectionate (without sexual overtones). For many couples women will withdraw from being affectionate because any sign of affection will often have the man wanting to take it to the bedroom. Playful, non-sexual intimacy will leave her wanting more. If she is overworked (has a job and manages the household) - see about rebudgeting to allow her to reduce her work hours (some women are afraid to do this because of workplace rivalry) or hire someone to come in and help around the house. You may need to pitch in and do more around the home also (if you don't already). Most women don't realize that men equate love with sex.
Try to plan a couple of getaways each month - leave baby with grandma, auntie, or trusted friend - and spend time doing something you both enjoy. Expand to a weekend away on a regular basis to reconnect. Many couples don't do this, especially in the early years, because of money and time constraints. Relationships take regular work and a lot of maintenance. Another idea would be to help her lose the excess pounds (that can have a positive effect on her libido, too) by taking regular walks, switching to healthier eating habits, and making sure she's getting adequate sleep (when children are added to the marriage equation sleep is often a thing of the past for moms).
Good reading material for both of you would be The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Had my hubby and I read that early on in our marriage it would have saved us, I think.
Good luck (and stick with her - it will get better)!

Answer 9

A lot of women just lose their sex drive, especially AFTER they have kids! If she works a lot, that could be a factor too. And stress is ALWAYS a factor. Also, her excuse about her weight is also valid because women, if we aren't happy with ourselves, we won't be happy being intimate either. It's a self-consious thing, I guess. Just give her some time, show her you think she's sexy and she'll come around. Good luck!

Answer 10

Try to understand her make her feel the mood and talk to her. plan a romantic night and try diffrent things. being a mom and always trying to take care of someone else is hard and stress I think has alot to do with it. plan a night Just for her, get a baby sitter for the night if you can, cook her dinner or take her to HER fav. restrant, do stuff that she wants MAKE SURE ITS ROMANTIC!!!!! That way she forgets all the stress and she will feel move alive then just stressed! I hope it works. Good Luck.