I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years. I have 3 boys with him. About two months ago he told me he did not know what he wanted anymore. That I have hurt him over and over again. That things needed to change. He said he was unhappy, and he love me but not in love with me. He didn't mention divorce or leaving. He actually is giving me a chance to try and make things good again. We have been talking and working through everything. Now he is distance again. I want to work this out for us and our boys but I don't know what to do. Please help.
2006-10-25 07:33:09 · 22 answers · asked by jfgrnbry 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I can't really explain how I have hurt him. It is not from cheatin. Just words that I said to him. I guess I never have realize how important he is, and that he is a wonderful man. He support me and the boys. I just wish he would do more to help out sometimes. When I ask for help I guess I damand it instead of asking. I am trying to change. I tell him how I feel instead of striking back.
2006-10-25 07:59:20 · update #1
Here is an AWSOME book for women who are trying to work things out. Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debbi Pearl. Here is the wed site you can use to get the book and there is some helpful info on it as well. Don't be thrown off by the way the auther and her husband look. I sort of was but read it as a favor for a friend. I was Very glad I read it. http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/
2006-10-25 07:44:25 · answer #1 · answered by ricks.girl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have to do what is best for your boys. Follow your instincts. I would say counseling as well but I know how that goes. My husband and I tried it and only made it though one session. It started an arguement right after we got out because he felt like we were ganging up on him. You already know in your heart what is the best thing. It hard to take that first step with three children. I am in an unhappy marriage too and am having a hard time deciding to stay or go. Right now I am staying because we do not really fight or are mean to each other. There just isn't much being said between the two of us. Good luck hon. I know you will do what is right for you.
2006-10-25 07:43:20 · answer #2 · answered by avonlady_IL 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
One word: counseling. It's your and your boys' whole lives you're talking about here. If you can't afford a professional counselor, see what social services there are available in your area. Bet there's some inexpensive counseling... or a faith-based counseling program.
Counseling is good because when you and your partner are having clashes, your egos get tied up in it. When a nonpartial observer can tell you, yes, your demand seems a little unreasonable, or whatever, then you can see it through the other person's eyes more easily. A good marriage counselor can also suggest ways that you guys can work together better.
But you both have to want it. Tell him you'll do ANYTHING to make it work. Anything at all. And then show him.
My opinion is... once you're married, you have to try everything everything everything before you give up... esPECially with kids in the mix! Good luck!
2006-10-25 07:36:05 · answer #3 · answered by emma_UK 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Keep working on it. Try couseling if necessary. He's honest with you, that's a good sign. Be open-minded, and really listen to what he has to say.
Re. the "love" vs. "in love", you can give the following some thought, and ask your husband to do the same:
"Passionate love" is defined as a state of intense longing for the union with another and a state of profound physiological arousal. This physiological arousal is also manifested and controlled through the perception of the recipient. All these activities are controlled by cortical activity and translated into speech when the individual is excited. This is the feeling that is commonly referred to as being "in love". It is believed to be biologically unsustainable in the long run.
"Companionate love", on the other hand, is the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined. It is achieved only between partners who are able to positively reinforce each other's intimate behaviors. Although most people hope to combine the delights of passionate love with the security of companionate love in a single relationship, actually to do so may be impossible.
Just some food for thought.
2006-10-25 07:39:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know a lot of ppl are answer your Question. I just wanted to jump in and share a little info with you. I am not sure what you did to hurt your husband, but if you love him and he loves you there is away to make it better. I know having kids can really make being married hard. My husband and I have gone Thur a lot our self's. You really need to try and find someone to talk to. If that is hard to do then you both have to try to find the time to talk to each other. You need to get someone to look after the kids and go on date night. If you can not do it every week every 2 weeks. This is a most to get things better. You need to have fun together again. Then there is the sex life. I am not sure how that is but if isn't all that good then you need to try and make that fun for the 2 of you again. Go to an adult store together and look around for something fun for the 2 of you. I know if you both want to be together you can work it out. You really just need to find out what he really wants before you try to hard for nothing. I wish you all the luck and I hope it works out for you and your kids.
2006-10-25 08:03:35 · answer #5 · answered by Dar 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It appears that your husband seems to be the victim.
If he says you are hurting him over and over again, then you have the problem. What do you expect from him.
If you are not willing to stop hurting him, why do you want him to stick around.
You left out the most important part of your story.
You never let us know what you did to hurt him so Bad.
It really seems like you had the ball in your court, but you dont want to make changes.
Try a marriage counselor, maybe there is still some spark left.
2006-10-25 07:41:21 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
he sounds good because he actually told you how he was feeling and thats a big step lots of people cant do that. but maybe a counselor can provide much needed support for you two. dont worry about the price, many chuches and family support places may offer free or reduced services. what the counselor can help you do is address the issue and give you tips about work through it and other issues that may arise. it sounds like he is not making you change over night but that he would like to see a gradual change in both of your lives....good luck.
2006-10-25 08:04:35 · answer #7 · answered by porsha226 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i honeslty think you should go together to married counseling. there is something that is borething him. and for what ever reason is still in his mind. sometimes talking to a third party as a therapist is the best thing you can do.
since either one of you two want a divorce, and you want to make the marriage work not just for the childrens but also for yourself, seek help.
2006-10-25 07:37:30 · answer #8 · answered by lasalle_1986 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I understand what your going through except its the other way around, I am the one who is hurt and cant get over it, I dont know what I want, its really hard. It sucks to hurt and not feel like you can ever get past it or find that love again for that person, but you didnt say what you did to hurt him, were you cheating? Watch The Break Up with Jennifer Anniston, its actually a very eye opening movie.
2006-10-25 07:37:19 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
As Angel Eyes suggested try marriage counselling if you truly want to try and save this relationship. Whatever you have done in the past to hurt your husband needs to be dealt with and put to sleep so you both can get on with your lives.
2006-10-25 07:37:54 · answer #10 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋