Competition between the moms?

Question

My husband's family is well off. My parents barely get by. As a result of my mother in law having money, she often buys presents and clothes for me, my husband, my 4-year old and 2-year old, and baby on the way. She is buying all the pregnancy related stuff, maternity clothes, everyting. She even bought me a car. When this is mentioned in front of my parents, they get this look on their faces like my mother in law is trying to buy my kids love. My mother has even said right in front of my husband that his mom has more money than brains! She also said once that she wasn't even going to try to compete with my mother in law as far as money goes.

I guess my question is, how to I reassure my mom that my mother in law is just a big hearted person, and not out to steal her thunder? Jealousy is bad enough among kids, but parents are worse!

Answer 1

Your poor mom probably would love to be financially fit enough to help out your family also. Perhaps not to the extent that your in-laws do but a little bit anyway. And if they were to buy you and yours something perhaps may feel that it would not be appreciated as much as the help your getting from his side. It's sad, your right, to see adults being jealous but just maybe your folks aren't that jealous or envious of your in-laws but are more practical and old school. They might believe that your husband should be the bread winner and not be so reliant on his family for these things. Try explaining that you accept these gifts as it makes your in-laws feel good helping you. But that still appreciate and love your folks very much and need them for support emotionally more than financially.

Answer 2

Just tell your mum that you and the children love her very much and although their other granny can buy material items what kids want more is quality time, just being in her company, playing and doing things thogether, let her spend extra time with the kids and do things they enjoy, like going to the park, baking together or shopping, you can still have lots of quality fun together without having to spend lots of money, if she is always there for the kids they will appreciate her more.

Answer 3

There are two ways of looking at this, neither one necessarily from any of the parents' view, but they are practical.

First of all, if someone has decided they want to bless your family with showers of gifts and they have the ability to do so, you will rob them of their blessing by saying no to the gifts. "It is more blessed to give than to receive" is a famous quote from Jesus. You will cause many more problems by refusing the gifts since you may rob your in-laws of their blessing. Plus, they may not know how else to show their love for your family and to turn down the gifts would also alienate them from you, which is something you really don't want to do since you may need them in a time of an emergency in the future. I really don't think that they are trying to buy their way into your lives, but that they don't know what else to do to show you how they feel. See below in the final section for an alternative for the gift giving.

Secondly, your parents need to realize the above facts and you should explain it to them. True they feel threatened by all the gifts, but you never asked for them did you? Your parents show their love in other ways, I'm sure, and they are fully accepted aren't they or do you make them feel different? They need to be reassured that you, your husband's and your children's feelings for them haven't changed. Include them in some of your family activities, without the in-laws of course, that won't cost money or make them feel inadequate. Let them make some decisions about where you go, what to do, etc. They need to feel included so make many opportunities for them to be included, while also still having the same time with the in-laws, or they will complain of being left out.

Finally, if there are many of the gifts that you plainly don't need or there just are too many around for your "small" house to handle, ask your in-laws if it would be OK to sell some at a garage sale and put the money into savings accounts for your kids. Your parents, visiting later, will see that some of the gifts are gone and maybe lighten up because they will think that the giving has ended for a while. Also tell your in-laws that if they really want to help out, instead of giving your kids toys all the time, ask them to set up college fund accounts and put money into them if they really have the need to give your kids something. There will be less stuff around and your kids will get an education later if they decide to go to college. You will need the money then because by the time your kids are of college age, one year will cost what the biggest Hummer, Lexus or BMW costs now. Discuss with them other ways they can show their love for you, your husband and your kids besides giving gifts. Grandpas usually love going fishing, etc. with their grandsons. Grandmas love to teach their granddaughters how to cook, etc. Make these the activities for them to replace all the gift giving. Also you can, in a nice way, restrict the giving to birthdays and Christmas to cut down on the gifts.

If none of these ideas will work out, I suggest that everyone involved sit down with a pastor of a church, or a counselor to get it all worked out. Life is too short for in-laws fighting each other and their kids. If it isn't solved now, your kids will grow up experiencing family hatred, which will rob them of their joy as kids.

Answer 4

Tell your mother you and your husband are not about to piss off your MIL. You enjoy what her money can buy for you and have no problem taking it.