A question for those of you who can't have babies?

Question

This includes me. It struck me today that we talk a lot on here about hoping to become pregnant or what it's like when you're anxious about becoming pregnant but we don't really discuss what is feels like when all attempts sadly fail.

Personally, I've got over the upset and look forward to the day again but I don't think that people realise just how bad it can be if they haven't been there and I think, as with a lot of subjects on here, there would be many people who would be at least curious to see things from our perspective. I'm not saying we need sympathy but I would like to here from other people out there who are in the same position as myself and how you feel about it. I still feel that in some situations it can take real bravery to admit it and talk about it and other times you can still feel cheated. Do you agree?

I would be glad to here from anybody, with or without children, really out of curiosity to see how we all feel about this and how it affects lives

Answer 1

Here's my story...
I got married at 18 and started trying to get pregnant. Little did I realize it was never going to happen. I spent the next 12 years in a programmed routine, I no longer exsisted...it was all about charts, timing, ovulation...I was doing everything right, but I never got pregnant. I kept listening to people tell me "it'll happen when it happens, just relax" so I never went to see why I wasn't getting pregnant.


After 12 years of hell, I was in such a deep depression that my husband made me see a doctor. I soon found out that pregnancy was never an option for me. I got P.I.D. apparently when I was a teenager and it killed my tubes. I never had any symptoms...I never knew. My fallopian tubes were so full of fluid that they were the size of sausages and the fimbria ends were dead from having the blood supply cut off for so long. I had 2 surgeries to drain the tubes and make new openings for the eggs, but both attempts failed and my tubes closed back up again filling with fluid. I had P.I.D. for so long it is now chronic...I can't get rid of it without a full hysterectomy (which I'm having in the near future).
I was destroyed when I found out that I would never become pregnant. My worst nightmares had been realized. I became suicidal and had to be put on medication.
After a long hard road a miracle finally happened. I found someone willing to be a surrogate. So, at 30 years old I finally became a mommy to a beautiful baby girl. She is almost 3 now and I love being a mom. The only thing I still miss is not being able to feel her growing inside me.
So, I guess if there is a moral to my story, it would be...
1. save sex for marriage...it can destroy your dreams and your life.

and

2. do everything you can to concieve, but don't listen to people that say "stop trying so hard, it'll happen when it happens".
you can never try too hard to get pregnant, and you should get help if you think there is a problem.

After 12 years of ttc, I had learned every trick in the book to conceive, but blockages kept it from happening. Now I try to help anyone ttc and give them all the knowledge I have in the hopes it will make a faster conception for them.

Answer 2

I have two children. After my second child was born I nearly lost my life because of bleeding. The solution was to do an emergency hysterectomy. I was only 26. Most people thought, "Oh, she has her two kids, she should be glad..." but it has ALWAYS been a huge grief to me that I could not have more children. A surgeon took away my fertility. It was necessary to save my life, but it was still a loss.

I can only imagine the pain of never having a child at all. I sympathize, even though I have my own children. I am almost old enough to be a grandmother, yet I still have dreams about being pregnant, nursing, giving birth, etc. It is a HUGE big deal in a woman's life. And, if you don't ever get that experience, it is a HUGE grief.

I think deep down all women have a basic desire to be a mother. When that is taken away, or if a woman is unable to have a child, or even if a woman decides not to marry and have a family, it is a loss she has to grieve. I am sorry you feel this way, but I think it is a sign that you are a normal woman. I hope you find other ways in life to give yourself away (this is what mothers do) and to nurture others who are in need of your womanly gifts.

Answer 3

I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years, it is very frustrating. I have been diagnosed with endomeitrosis I have had surgery twice and have been on lots of treatments to try to prevent the endomeitrosis from coming back, but when you are on these hormones you can't become pregnant so it is a catch 20/20... and when I am not on a treatment plan I am in so pain that I don't even feel like trying to get pregnant, but I am still trying. It has not been easy, and I think what hurts the most about it all is when people ask that popular question when are you going to have children... I just smile and say hopfully soon, but I am thinking in my head of all the tears that I have cried and the let downs... I dont tell people who ask that I probley will not be able to have a child because I dont want people to feel sorry for me and I know that are just asking a question that everyone asks. My sisters all have children and they do feel sorry me a little but they just think that if I just babysit for them all the time that that void will be felt. I am very close to all of my nices and nephews but it is not the same of having your own child.

But, I guess to sum it all up my mother always said Life is not Fair.... I do try to just look at all I do have in my life, a wonderfull husband, friends and a great job... and I can't forget my little dogs they do bring me joy =-)

Answer 4

I was in your shoes. My husband and I were ttc for 4 years. I've had unsuccessful IUI's. I've been diagnosed with PCOS and Endometriosis. I was supposed to have Invitro, but I couldn't at the last minute because my ovaries didn't produce enough mature eggs to carry the procedure through. I was devastated. I've spent many nights crying over this; I'm so glad and thankful that I have such a supportive husband. I considered adoption and my sis-in-law offered to be a surrogate for me.

Even though infertility is an emotional roller coaster, I tried not to resent those around me who conceived so easily. I came to the conclusion that I can't help it if my body won't conceive a baby as easily as other women and those women can't help it either.

Needless to say, I finally became pregnant in May of this year and I will be expecting my first child in February. I have a couple of friends that are going through fertility treatments, but they are in the early stages and I can already see the disappointment that they are going through and it hurts me to see anyone going through that because like I've said, I've been there.

I wish you the best of luck and many blessings. Keep your head up and take care...

Answer 5

Well I am not sure if I will say what your looking for but I personally have had 4 failed attempts for pregnancy. The last of which was a miscarriage. Since then my partner and I have decided to adopt and we are anxiously awaiting a baby. May partner has an 8 year old daughter, as i see her as my own i still flt the need to conceive. When this failed I felt in my heart i would be just as content with my baby if i adopted him/her. As we are still waiting for our baby my heart still longs for the experience of carrying my own little one! I hope I have covered the subject well enough for you.

Answer 6

It hurts sometimes and it's okay sometimes. I never know how I'm going to react to certain things, like friends finding out they are pregnant or having a baby. Little things hurt, like my sister in law was talking about how hubby's nephew is just like him when he was little, that made me think "we may never have a child that acts just like hubby". We've been through a lot treatment wise and have come to the conclusion that there is a child out there for us and biology doesn't have a thing to do with it. We figure it's in God's hands now and we can't change it, it is what it is. Still it's frustrating being so young and trying so long and really no reason why we can't.

Answer 7

Although I was blessed with two children, I went through menopause in my early 30's. I wanted to get pregnant again and couldn't understand what was wrong with me. It had seemed so easy before. When I would mention this to anyone, including my doctor, they would tell me to just be happy that I had children already. I didn't want to seem unappreciative, but I truly grieved when I finally found out I was done. I wish the very best for you and anyone else who is trying to concieve. I think it's something many people take for granted. God bless.

Answer 8

Well I'm in the same boat as you, but 26 yrs down the line I've come to accept the situation and can now at this point in time thank God for being part of his plan. When I look back on my situation it makes me realise just how much God had a hand in what has happend to me and my hubby, As a child I was always facinated by babies and always babysat for friends etc, I went to work in a Day nursery and became a Nursery nurse. I am now working in a Childrens Centre as a Manager. but for 32 yrs have been with children, I teach Sunday school every week and have done for approx 18 yrs,I have been to foreign places to work with orphans, street children, and have worked with refugges.I am the person everyone calls Aunty , If I had had my own children I would not have been able to do half as much with children as I have because as it is I have no ties,only God could have put that plan in place, Yes I miss not having had the experiance of having my own children, but God sorted that for me byme being asked to be at the c-section of a mother from work, what a privilge to be their to see the miricle and be the frist to hold the baby,etc as well as to support that mum who had no one to go through that labour with her.She gave me something that knowone else ever has. I have lots of friends with children all who I care for.As for all the fertillity treatment we had to endure I can now look back and laugh at the situations we were in and had to go through, What does upset me is how people who have children can mistreat them as they do,but who knows what type of a parent I would have made I'm not here to judge. Thank God for what I have achived and got.

Answer 9

I've known since I was about 25 that I wasn't going to be able to have a biological child. My female parts are plumbed in such a way that carrying past the first month wasn't possible.

So, my uterus and I don't see eye to eye on things. I doesn't make me any less of a woman. I carried my children in my heart, not in my belly. Has never bothered me, and I've never shed a tear about it.

I believe that God meant for me to have children, and to be a mom. My husband and I have three wonderful adopted daughters, and with all the kisses we've swapped, our DNA has to be mixed up by now.

There are a lot of wonderful things to be experienced in adopting a child. We have three children and another on the way. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

I know what it is to live month to month peeing on a stick trying to be pregnant and not.

But I also know that a lot of women try to MAKE themselves pregnant and it makes it medically impossible. Theres a phenomenon known to adoptive parents where a medically infertile woman adopts a child, becomes content and settled, and before she even realizes it she's pregnant.

Sometimes Doctors just dont know WHY someone cant get pregnant, all they know is that everything theyve tried and tested wont work.

Sometimes just calming down, living life, and relaxing can help get a woman pregnant, or atleast reduce stress and clear her mind.

Just because someone cant carry and birth a genetic copy of themselves doesnt mean having children is out of the question. Its all about how much you really love your children, no matter where they came from.

Its very impossibly hard to find you're infertile, and it does feel as though someone has robbed you of something. But in actuality alot of women rob themselves of motherhood by not choosing another way to have children.