Wife said she was leaving - now I have convinced her to stay for awhile.?

Question

My wife wrote me a goodbye letter.. I begged her to stay for awhile, she said she couldn't do it.

Is it better to let her go or convince her to stay for awhile, even if she moves into another room?

Leaving would take the kids 2000 miles from me and cause so much financial strain in our lives.

Is this a huge mistake to beg her to stay? Or is this a sign she really maybe didn't want to go and is willing to give it a shot?

Everything I've read says you can't work on things if she leaves.. but she says I took everything from her to make her stay.

All I need is some time to win her back, I don't expect it to happen overnight, but leaving so soon is impossible.

I have been absent for awhile, she says she has found herself. There is not another person, she wants to be independant. I have been a jerk but I'm already changing to be what she needs. I never hit her but I wasn't very nice a lot of the time.

Answer 1

It's hard to know, without knowing the specifics of your situation.

Some women will feel compelled to leave because they believe their husbands don't love them. When the husband chooses to pursue them (i.e., beg and state explicitly they love them and don't want them to go), then that's the reassurance they need to stay.

(Gee, didn't you ever watch "The Parent Trap" remake?? :) )

Other women won't stay because they feel the husband "doesn't get" why she's unfulfilled and upset, because she's stayed before and he hasn't changed one iota despite him promising to make things better. For that woman, you need counseling, lots of discussion, and practical changes in behavior.

Finally, if a woman isn't committed to the marriage and has already decided to split (for a job, or someone else, or whatever), begging will only drive them further away. They will read it as possessiveness and weakness.

I don't know why your wife is leaving, or what your relationship was like, or why she is choosing to move 2000 miles away. (That sounds really bad in terms of her commitment to your marriage... like she has career aspirations that don't involve you.)

It's also not clear from your question whether you have convinced her to stay, or just WANT to convince her.

If she has agreed to stay, that's a positive sign in all respects -- it means she still wants to invest in the marriage, or at least doesn't want to shoulder heavy financial burdens. Your marriage has a shot if she chooses to stay, of her own free will. If she is staying temporarily, I would explore why she wanted to leave, and get counseling, and make what changes you need to in order to alleviate the problems.

Good luck, I hope things work out.

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Edit 1: "...but she says I took everything from her to make her stay. "

Not sure what that means. It doesn't sound positive. I hope you did not manipulate her to stay by threatening her emotionally in any way -- if you did, the relationship will probably flounder. She has to decide to stay on her own.

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Edit 2: Stop, I can't keep up! :)

"...she found herself."

All right. Based on the new information, it sounds like you were emotionally and even physically absent. She probably felt unloved and used. And if you were not very nice to her, she probably felt like a doormat.

Her choosing to leave was partly an attempt to get your attention, but also part of her standing up for herself and finding a life that she could be proud of and feeling "alive" about.

She is not an extension of you, but you were treating her that way.

If you want this marriage to succeed, your job right now is to (1) commit to acting in loving ways towards your wife (i.e., being there for her, not being nasty, learning to value your time with her), and (2) doing what you can to "make her all she can be." i.e., a full-fledged individual, not just someone who takes care of your house and family for you and plays "wife."

Encourage her to learn and do things of which she can feel proud and accomplished. Praise her. Take over the household chores and kid duty sometimes, to give her "free time" to explore herself, her life, get out of the house, become independent.

And so forth.

It'll be work, but if you want your marriage to survive, then you need to commit to it.

Answer 2

1) Go to marriage counseling!
2) You say you don't want your kids to go 2k miles away and this would put a financial strain on you two...you need to sit down and come up with a parenting plan together before (if) she ever leaves (this is VERY important). If you go to court - depending on where you live, she will need to prove why this is a necessary move for the kids. Just because you are a father doesn't mean you have to roll over and let her go. Quality of life and the environment you raise your kids in is far more important than putting a price on it. Things always work out. Your kids would benefit from being with each of their parents in a healthy environment, not with their mom just sticking around and staying in another room. How much quality time are you giving your kids while living in a mess and begging your wife to stay?
3) If she is willing to just up and leave, ask yourself this - has she made her mind up? If she has already given up on the marriage you are simply buying time, and just putting off the pain of letting go.
4) You need to take a few steps back and look at the big picture, think of you & your kids first - not just her and her wants and needs.

Answer 3

Writing a goodbye letter, leaving a spouse, and taking the kids is a very idiotic and thoughtless thing to do. Think about what she is escaping and why. Talk to her and perhaps the two of you should seek outside counseling. Employ EVERY EFFORT to make your marriage work before you let it all go, otherwise you will have regrets. Above all, you have children together. Taking them 2000 miles away from their father while you have to legally fight to see them is unreasonable.
Force her to be an adult and to make a logical, levelheaded decision so that no one get hurt..most importantly the children. Running away from your problems is never a solution.

Answer 4

I think you should tell her how you feel, but let her leave. She is obviously trying to let you know that she is serious and things need to change in order for her to stay. If she stays then that will just show you that she is weak and you will continue to take advantage of her. Let her leave and try to work on your problems from a distance. Let her know that you want to work things out and you will give her some space while ya'll do it. If she is already ready for a divorce then you will have to take that route. If you have a formal divorce she can not take the kids that far away if you have shared costody.

Answer 5

I hope she is not staying out of guilt or pity. This will make it worse for her- and you. If shes staying out of guilt- every attempt on your part to be sweet will seem so needy and clingy to her. I hope for your sake that she sees the good in you, and wants to see some changes for the best in your relationship. And that is the reason she is staying.

Whatever you do, you still be a man and don't let her walk all over you because you don't want to make her mad- this will seem really wimpy and will be a turn off (not sexually).

Try to be casual, but seriously talk together.

Answer 6

or maybe it's a feeling of guilt? not of wrong doing, but of some type of change? not wanting to say good-bye, not wanting to stay? we women have great big hearts that we express to some and to others, no one knows. If she is truly miserable, why force her to stay? There's a problem somewhere that's telling her heart that there's nothing worth working out. do you pray? if so, pray, ask God to guide you both onto the right path, if you don't pray, try marriage counseling, try praying, if she really doesn't want to leave, she'll try anything positive to keep the marriage going....

Answer 7

If you asked her to stay and she did I think the relationship has a shot. The key is talking and finding out what she wants and what will make you both happy. If she decides to leave again its best to move on.

Answer 8

She might have felt guilty because you actually confronted her on it. She is passive agressive and hoped to avoid actually talking to you about the problem (hence, the letter), so that she could leave easily. When you confronted her, she stayed only because you confronted her. I would try to move closer to where she wants to move, and let her leave. If she doesn't want to be with you, she'll only cheat and hurt you worse in the long run.

Answer 9

It sounds like this is a very bad situation. Now that she is staying, anything bad that comes up will get the same response, "I should have left when I was going to". I might be wrong, but I believe she will resent you, and end of leaving later on.

Answer 10

I think that you need to ask her Why she wanted to go in the first place. You can always arrange a way to see your children.But, dont make her stay just because you feel that you won't see them that will only cause trouble and this will greatly affect your children not you or your wife.