Before my husband and I got married, and for the first few months of our marriage, he was always willing to talk about our "future children" and he said that he wanted to have 3 or 4 kids. Then, one day, out of the blue, he all of a sudden refuses to talk about having children, and he says he NEVER wants children. Any time I try to talk about it he gets angry and leaves the room and won't even discuss it with me. I have tried asking him what happened to make him not want children anymore, but he always just says "I don't know" and gets mad that I'm trying to bring up the subject. I have even provided reasons for him as to why he might not want kids...I ask "Are you worried about being a good father?" "Are you worried about money?" "Do you just not like kids" He won't answer....he always says "that could be part of it" or "i don't know". It is so frustrating that I can't even get him to TALK about it with me. He says there is no reason to talk. Please someone tell me what to do!
2006-10-25 06:17:45 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Trying to Conceive
This was like reading my diary the first year and a half of my marriage.
My husband would talk about our kids until we got married. Then one day he just up and stated (AFTER we got married of course) that he NEVER wanted children. We literally fought about it CONSTANTLY. He would get so defensive and mean and even cruel if I tried talking about it.
It got to the place where i couldnt even have sex with him, knowing that we were never gonig to create children. He even turned into a monster whenever he thought i WAS pregnant. IT was horrible. I was so incredibly miserable.
He would never tell me why he suddenly didnt want children, he just said he didnt want any.
He stopped using condoms about 8 months ago, just out of the blue, i didnt say anything obviously, because i wanted to get pregnant. Well, i did.
You'd think i had cheated on him or something. He went CLYPTO, said he hoped i was happy, i had ruined his life and got everything I ever wanted, he wouldnt touch me, sleep in our bed, or look at me for three straight days. I had to call his dad and beg him to talk with him.
in the end it all worked out. He was just afraid of the whole situation, afraid he'd ruin the kids, ruin the moment, be a bad father, not make enouhg, not be able to enjoy life, jsut afraid of everything. And fear was his reaction. And hate.
now he's so excited he cant get home soon enough to feel my belly, cant wait to go to all the doctors appointments, reads up on everything to do with pregnancy and babies every chance he gets. Likes to look at all the baby stuff from the showers... talks about taking our son camping and hiking and fishing...
He wasnt young either, he's going to be 30 in a month. But he's an only child. I think its just hard on guys these days, most men had shitty fathers that screwed them up (like my husband) and really dont see themselves as capable of anything better.
That was my situation. it worked out well, but it was very very painful, and what should have been the greatest moment of our lives, learning of our first child, was ruined for ever and cant be replaced or fixed. But it did work out.
Your husband needs to understand that this is an unreconcilable difference, and it is like cancer to a marriage. You wont last if one wants babies and the other prefers nuclear halocuast. It will literally eat you up inside and ruin your health. Trust me. I have an ulcer from my experience.
You two need to get cousil, and help, and learn to communicate.
Either way it will always be a bitter sweet thing for you. I do know what its like, and i seriously wish you the best. Theres nothing you can do but pray and try to talk with him.
2006-10-25 06:29:54 · answer #1 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
First...I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am sure it is rough, especially if all you have ever wanted is children. I think if this was me, I would sit back and really analyze the marriage. There is obviously something going on here with him and he is either not admitting it or is just scared. There will always be worries about children...my guy and I are constantly worried at 15 weeks pregnant, and will be worried until we die. You are never truly ready for kids, no matter what someone says.
I think that you sould tell your husband that you need to go see someone about this. You are upset and frustrted and eveentually it will get to the point that you resent him and then your marriage will be over. If this were my husband...I would give him a little more time depending on how old you are, and then if he is still not bending, you may need to evaluate the marriage on your end. You have to be happy...and he should help you to get through this. If after a while my husband still did not want kids, I could not remain with him. All I have ever wanted is to be a mom and wife, and if he could not fulfill that dream then I would find someone who will, no matter how much it hurts!
Again...I am sorry for this and hope it works out in the end!!!
2006-10-25 06:45:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This isn't fair to you. He did not keep up his end of the marriage. I would seriously consider counseling for your marriage. Babies are a big thing and you are going to end up resenting him and this marriage might not survive. If you knew from the beginning that he didn't want children then you probably wouldn't have married him. He is putting your future and your dreams of having a baby at risk. He basically sold you a lie. It is up to you to take your life in your hands. Don't let him tell you there is no reason to talk. Pack your bags and leave him. He is being selfish and there is something deeper going on. He sold you a future with babies that didn't exist. Don't allow this man to dictate how your future will end. IF he doesn't want to talk then let him know you won't spend another second entertaining the same air space as him. You decided your own life and if that will include a baby or not. I am sorry but I would never let my dreams of having a baby melt away because some clown up and decided he changed his mind. This is your life and you take charge.
2006-10-25 06:26:52 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very important issue. In some religions, differences in wanting children is grounds for an annulment of a marriage. If your husband was saying "yes" to children before marriage and "No", now, he needs to know that this can be a marriage deal-breaker. If he lied to get you to marry him, the trust between you is in serious jeopardy. Whoever married you or a counselor would be helpful third-party to help with the discussion, but if the stalemate continues, you need to tell him that this can't be swept under the carpet.
2006-10-25 11:53:24 · answer #4 · answered by phillipa_gordon 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Both of you know each other opinions over it so leave the issue alone for a while. I know the more I get nagged over something the less I want to discuss it. Try gently bringing up the subject 6 months or a year down the road and see if his reaction has changed. And don't get pregnant in the meantime! He'll resent you big time for it.
2006-10-25 06:25:05 · answer #5 · answered by chicchick 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is definitely being unreasonable. He won't even give you a reason! And since it's so sudden, he must have had something happen or someone said something to him to make him change his mind so drastically. It could be anything. But you have to force it out of him. Let him know you won't stand for it.
I don't know his personality so I can't really say... The only thing I can think of is to give him an ultimatum. He might give in and tell you what's bothering him.
2006-10-25 06:22:25 · answer #6 · answered by red_rose6886 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you are doing good so far maybe you should drop it for a little while and not say a word about. Let him cool then wait for the right moment and ask again. If the answers are the same that you are getting now then maybe you need to sit down with a marriage councilor.
2006-10-25 06:23:43 · answer #7 · answered by KEL971 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No 1 can really help you with this there does seem to be some issue your husband has and in the long run if he doesnt change his mind im really sorry to say is you will have to leave and find some 1 who shares the same desire as you as much as you love him you will resent him in time if you dont have children and if you do it accidentally he will resent you and feel trapped im really sorry for you good luck and i hope you achieve what you want
2006-10-25 06:24:31 · answer #8 · answered by vicky s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you want to have kids and he won't discuss it that's a major issue. Demand that he go to marriage counseling to get to the bottom of it or it could slowly eat away at your marriage and create a hostile environment which wouldn't be suitable for children anyway. Good luck.
2006-10-25 06:22:21 · answer #9 · answered by Miriam Z 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That can be a deal breaker for many marriages. It's wrong of him to not give you a reasonable answer after he led you to believe he did want them. Try not to badger him about it too much, but waste no time getting to a marriage counselor. If he'll disregard your wants and needs on this major issue this early on then what lies down the road?
2006-10-25 06:41:17 · answer #10 · answered by Sandy Sandals 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋