I pose this quiestion because I am married and I would like for my wife to take my last name; not only because it is what is done when you are married but because I have been with her for 4 yrs during the birth of her first child thats not mine, Two that are mine & helping her take care of her lil brother. Her first child doesn't have my last name but I want him to because I have been thier signs day one of him being in her and having him, so I have been fighting for that as well. I have been thier even signs her farther decided to leave. I have helped take on the responsibility of helping with her brother signs he was 11 to now he is 16 even though she states that hey I should not have because she did not ask me to But !I feel that if I am with you and we live together than I do not have to be told to do this as a man I do it automaticly. i mean it should not be hard to take a mans name for family sake ! If she is that in love with her farthers name then she should have been with him
2006-10-25 06:06:54 · 13 answers · asked by eternalgorilla 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Why don't you suggest hyphenating the name. Her father's name-your name. I understand what you are saying in regards to her first child, but you would have to adopt him to change his name-with the father's approval.
Remember, the name does not make the marriage. There are a lot more women out that no longer taking their husband's last name.
2006-10-25 06:20:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your name is a label, something most people are comfortable with and I can understand someone wanting to keep it. In this respect I think a man's general expectation that a woman automatically gives up her name is wrong. Of course if she is happy to do it then fine. You've gone into a lot of detail to help justify your thoughts. But I ask you this:-
Do you love this woman? If so, (and it certainly sounds like it given your description) and if she loves you too....then why would you ever suggest a man not stay or not get married simply because she likes to keep the name of her original identity?
I get the impression this is a major personal issue with you, but I humbly suggest the priority you give this issue is way too high. At the end of the day, you are not the biological father of her first child even though you are probably being a very good father figure to this child. The child will grow up and appreciate you like a real father irrespective of the surname he carries.
With the greatest of respect, I think you need to put your ego to one side sir and focus on continuing to do the very best job you can for the people you love. By continuing to fight and impose your fixation on this issue will only bring poor vibes and bad karma to your family household. Sometimes we need to take a step back and prioritize what's really important and ask ourselves if the fight is really worth it. A name is a name only...it doesn't change who you are or who you love.
But for this issue to possibly encroach on someone not getting married or not staying in a loving relationship is just pure madness. Life's far too short for that. Enjoy what you have here and now ...rather than focussing on something that is out of your control and perhaps not even winable. The downside cost of continuing to push this issue and creating more conflict is much greater than the simple winning of a name.
Why would you place it all in jeopardy?
2006-10-25 07:18:55 · answer #2 · answered by Pseudo 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh Wow...where to start! First, you need to get over expecting something in return for what you have done...what you have done(you say) was done because you thought it was the right thing to do, so why are you expecting something to be done for you because this is what you have done for her? You should be commended for taking on roles that are not yours to carry though...Kudos!
And secondly, whats in a name? Do you love her, does she love you are you both mentally mature enough to stand in your marriage no matter what comes your way? If yes, then how is her not having your name gonna change any of that??? I understand that tradition has dictated that a woman take her husbands name, but it also happens daily that they dont take their husbands names and life is not over when it happens! How about coming to a compromise and ask her to take your name and keep her own too...it happens all the time, hypenated of course...your name-her name.
As far as your name being her sons (that is not yours) name, well there are legal steps that must be taken before that can happen...one of which is an adoption, that not only she has to agree to, but so does the biological father. This is not a task to take on just because you want him to have your name, when this happens you become this childs legal parent, please be sure that this is something you are prepared for, before you jump into it!!
And why would you even make that last statement????? That was cruel.....it makes me wonder, if she doesnt want your name or does she not want to marry you at all!!!!
2006-10-25 06:21:29 · answer #3 · answered by tpoke24 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Let me ask you this: would you agree to accept HER last name?
If the answer is no, ask yourself why. And after you analize your reasons, you should understand that they might be HER reasons, too.
"I would like for my wife to take my last name; not only because it is what is done when you are married but because I have been with her for 4 yrs during the birth of her first child thats not mine, Two that are mine & helping her take care of her lil brother."
That doesn't matter. If you want her to show her gratitude and love for you, she can do it in plenty of other ways.
Besides, if you would really love her like you say you do, something as insignificant as a name wouldn't be able to ruin your relationship and make you consider the possibility of braking up with her or giving up marriage.
You really don't understand your wife. She's not making a big deal about this just because of a NAME, but because of what that name represents. For her, keeping her own name makes her feel that she's strong and independent, while accepting your name is seen by her as a sign of submission. Besides, giving up on her own name is like giving up on a part of her. A name is much more than just a name, a name carries everything you have gathered in your personality.
If she doesn't want to accept your name, its her choice and if you love her, you should respect it. Love should be unconditional, therefore affirmations like "I would like for my wife to take my last name; not only because it is what is done when you are married but because I have been with her for 4 yrs during the birth of her first child thats not mine, Two that are mine & helping her take care of her lil brother." shouldn't even exist.
"If she is that in love with her farthers name then she should have been with him"
If you are in love with your last name, you should stay single.
Yes, that affirmation works both ways, you know.
2006-10-25 06:25:47 · answer #4 · answered by Cheshire Riddle 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Things like that should be discussed BEFORE you get married.
There is no reason for he to change her name, although if she changes her name it does not change the child's name. You would have to adopt the child legally (at least here in america) for the child's name to change. An that mean getting permission from the father unless she has complete custody.
2006-10-25 06:17:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You seem like a great guy for being there all the way and helping out with everything that she was going throw..
But have you really sat down with her and spoke to her about it ?
Maybe she doesn't see how important it is to you for have her change her name ..
I myself have been been with my husband for 10 years been married for 2 years now but it's something that i didn't want him to take way from me (family name) Don't get me wrong everyone knows me by my husbands last name but i have my own last name on all my papers , credit cards etc..
That was something that i didn't want him to take away from me , as for when we have kids i really don't mind that they carry his last name ...So maybe you just need to sit with her and talk about it .
Best of luck to you !!
2006-10-25 06:37:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You sound selfish. Sit down with your wife and talk about why she doesn't wish to change her last name. Maybe she can't imagine her name as anything else?? Marriage is all about respect, love, and trust. Sounds like there's some of that lacking here.
2006-10-25 06:11:36 · answer #7 · answered by Mom of One in Wisconsin 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hey if you get married to the girl you love and she love you back. then she should take your last name. I know i would if my boyfriend did but that beside the point. Even thought you take care of the child thats not yours. but is mostly yours. i think the last name is one of the biggest things when you get married.
2006-10-25 06:35:34 · answer #8 · answered by mckayla 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I take my hand off to you for being a man. However I think your wife should be willing to change her name. She has started a life with you. Maybe a - between names will work for the both of you.
The bible says: Forsaking all other and clinging only to you!
2006-10-25 06:31:50 · answer #9 · answered by Blondie 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
it really doesn't matter,you are truly making mountains out of mole hills.why make unecessary tension over a name ? you must be bored or your life is so good you need some thing to shake it up because your arguments make little sense and hold no real meaning, except to you of course and that doesn't make it worth the trouble it's causing.
2006-10-25 06:15:21 · answer #10 · answered by punkin 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋