We moved out together about 3 months ago, And have had a relationship going for the last 4 years. However more and more its bothering me that I do the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, the garbage, the kitty chores, and buying all the groceries plus paying my half of the rent and bills right down the middle and i bought all the furniture for the apartment as well. How can I make this work better Because Im alittle tired of being used like a maid. I've told him he needs to pick up some of the workload and he hasnt. I'm thinking of making a chore list and assigning them to ourselves each week but are their any other methods you might recommend and if i do a chore list any suggestions for it?
2006-10-25 05:24:13 · 13 answers · asked by cats4ever2k1 5 in Home & Garden ➔ Cleaning & Laundry
I remember having this same issue in the beggining of my marriage. I would leave the house for work in immaculate condition only to come home to a pig sty. We bickered about it for weeks. Finally, I had enough, and I went on strike from doing ANY cleaning. I stopped doing the laundry, dishes, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, EVERYTHING. After a few weeks of letting the house go, my husband found it near impossible to find clean clothes for work, make breakfast in a cluttered and filthy kitchen, and soak in a dirty tub (yes he loves his hot baths). He realized what it took it to maintain the place and he reconsidered his point of view. All I ever wanted was for him to do one important thing: CLEAN UP AFTER HIMSELF. It's absolutely useless to spend a lot of time and energy into cleaning the house if you have a mate who won't clean up after himself. I finally cleaned the house back to normal, and now I constantly remind him to do little things like: put your dirty clothes in the hamper; not the bathroom floor, wipe that kitchen counter after making a meal, take out the trash if you over-fill it, clean that spill, ect. I don't have the patience to teach him how to properly clean the place ( he does a poor job- mama never taught him well) so I am fine with doing it myself as long as he is willing to KEEP IT clean. If you appoint chores to your boyfriend, make sure they are chores he can do and do well. See to it that he takes the chore list seriously because in the end the real issue is team work and consideration for you ( your standards of living). Perhaps you can have him be responsible for emptying the trash bins around your place and taking them out on trash days, vacuuming the the bedrooms and living areas once a week, changing out the litter boxes. Start off slow, and see if he can handle these small and easy chores. Do your part as well, and praise him for adhering to his chore list if he does. It's going to take some time and patience to see the gradual change. Does he like a home-cooked meal by you? Catch him when he's not occupied and send him out with a grocery list with some needed ingredients for the meal plus a few other needed items like: toilet paper, milk, detergent. Don't make the list too long; he may get discouraged and opt out of doing it. Try offering rewards for him doing chores. My husband wanted me to cook meals in advance for Mon. - Fri. stored in individual Tupperware platters so he wouldn't have to fend for himself when I'm not home. I told him his wish would be granted IF he detailed the cars once a month. Sure enough, he obliged!
2006-10-25 06:26:14 · answer #1 · answered by Suz E. Home BAKER 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Making a list is a pretty idea. It won't work because it's not a priority for him. Sounds like he enjoys having a maid.You need to fight fire with fire. You can go on strike but then you 'd have to live with the mess. Tell him that you're angry the situation is not equitable and you need him to suck it up both financially and chores-wise. Get mad and refuse him something that means a lot to him until he participates in running the household. You are just being taken advantage of at this point. Good luck.
2006-10-25 05:30:53 · answer #2 · answered by Brainiac 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you are going to set up a chore list I first advise you to explain him why you are giving him one. Tell him that you are NOT his mother, and tired of picking up after him. You came into this relationship to be with a man, not a child. And once he can start doing his part he can lose the list, but only if he can keep up with. Have him do the dishes, his own laundry, clean the bathroom etc etc. As well tell him that relationships can only work if there is give and take, not just one person doing most of the work. I hope he can understand that if he truly wants to be in the relationship.
2006-10-25 05:27:23 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
My guy is the same way. My solution? I would pile his stuff in a storage closet, cook just enough for me, make him eat off paper plates, cups and with plastic forks. I made sure the bills I was responsible for were paid and opened a separate checking/savings account. When he realized that I was tired of being his maid, he compromised with me. Since he is a cook by trade he agreed that he would cook, clean the kitchen and pick up after himself also throw the garbage out. I did not allow my home to be messy, I just put his stuff up in a storage closet. When he got tired of looking for his belongings he decided putting them up himself would better serve his purpose. We both get a day off from chores. I found if I made a chore list he rebelled and it seemed to make things worse. If I used reverse psychology on him and it worked.
2006-10-25 07:13:37 · answer #4 · answered by Traci G 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you know what worked for me.... well me and my boyfriend live together and in the summer spring and fall he does allll the outside work like cutting the grass, sweeping the sidewalk, doing the pooperscooper job in the back yard... raking, and it kinda gives me peice a mind when im in the house by myself cleaning.... but now that the winter is here.. he would just shovel.. but i usually empty the trash can and leave it by the door and he would take it outside.. or i will start a load of laundry before i left and asked him to put it in the dryer and fold em when they are done.... or i will sweep and ask him to mop the floors. one time i tried to print up like a chore list and i had specifically what needed to get done and i went up to him and i said ok i need some help cleaning so do you want to help me? and he said yea, so I had him chose which ones he wants to do.. and we split em up.
2006-10-25 05:43:57 · answer #5 · answered by young meat:) 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sometimes people need time to get the hang of living away from the ultimate maid (his mother). the chore list is fine but take it easy on him, start him off slow and build up. when i met my boyfriend he could not even start the washing machine and i am proud to report that a year later he even knows how to iron.so there is hope for everyone i guess ;) good luck
2006-10-25 05:29:07 · answer #6 · answered by irini d 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
i hear you. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and i am going through the same thing.He leaves his wet towels on the floor and hardly ever hangs them back up to dry, when he goes number 2...he does not spray air freshner after(that's disgusting)he clips his toenails on the sofa...the list goes on and on with him...It aggravates me even more now as we have a 8 month old son together and my son is a lot of work in itself, not to mention i have a 8 yr old daughter so if i can manage so can he with picking up but when he comes home and does his stupid crap. I get so upset. I AM NOT HIS MAID, he is a grown man!!! It goes in one ear and out the other with him unless i blow up at him and then it only lasts with him helping me for 2 days or so. You can't change him, i've learned that.
2006-10-25 05:36:22 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Although you know best for your situation, you might want to consider moving out from him. I used to live with the guy who i had a relationship with and his 4 kids. he left for work at 8am then when he got off at 1 he would stay out late doing things that pleased him. he Left me cleaning the house, doing laundry and all other chores, cooking for him paying half the rent , watching his kids, and buying them the things they needed. finally broke up with him, it wasn't working.
2006-10-25 05:56:37 · answer #8 · answered by linda g 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The more you do for him the more he expects. Don't do his washing etc and I'm sure he will wonder why because you have been so good to him and done it all. When he asked tell him that the work load should be shared and if he expects you to do all the chores in the house then you will only pay one third of the rent etc. I'm sure he will start to do his share. You are just too nice a person and he is taking advantage of you.
2006-10-25 22:37:53 · answer #9 · answered by slipper 5 · 0⤊ 4⤋
SIt down and talk with him when he will give you his full attention - not just 1/2 listening between commercials like most guys. ;)
Explain to him, that you don't mind pulling your fair share of the duties, but you're not his mother, slave or maid and will no longer be treated as such. Also explain that doing most of the chores yourself is not only unfair, it's tiring as well. If he's unwilling to budge, I agree with one of the other answers of take care of your cleaning and cooking,etc. and let him fend for himself to see how he likes it for a while.
If he is willing to cooperate, get his suggestions on a fair split between the chores. He may think that he's taking care of things that you don't even know he was doing, like cleaning the gutters, changing the air filter, etc. Find his take on what's going on before the conversation of sharing chores so you'll see where he's coming from. Once you agree on a split, try the new arrangement out for a while, and if your or he doesn't like it, you both can sit down and rearrange the duties until you are both comfortable with the outcome.
Try not to come across as nagging about it if he forgets to do something one day, as that will just spiral in to resentment on both sides. Just take care of it since it needs to get done anyway, and hold no ill will nor bring it up later. After a few times, on the other hand, nicely (hide the anger) tell him that you'd be glad to discuss the duty arrangement again if he's unhappy. (hint hint fella.) Maybe he is unhappy, but was afraid to bring it up due to conflict, or maybe he just got busy and plain forgot.
When my boyfriend and I moved in together, I flat out told him from the start, I don't mind laundry duties and many of the other cleaning duties, and would gladly do it all if he'd do the dishes - which I absolutely hate, and clean the toilets, which is mostly a 'guys' mess to begin with. This arrangement has worked out nicely. He also took it upon himself to take out the garbage, as he sees it as the 'mans' duty. I disagree with that view, but more power to him.
When I'm too busy or sick, etc. the laundry will pile up and the house will get in disarray, and he'll tell me about it in 'the right way'. Such as: if you don't mind when you get a chance, could you please put on a load so I'll have something to wear to work tomorrow, or the clean towels are getting low, etc - instead of freaking out and demanding that I do it all now, and how dare I let it get so out of hand. Also, if the occassion calls for it to where I just can't take care of my share, he'll step up to the plate and do it all.
It's all in the attitude. I always had the attitude, that nobody tells me what to do. Most people don't like being told what to do, and will rebel against it, which is what you're man may be doing to you when you bring up the subject of chores? I know I get defensive and insulted by it, but if asked to help instead of demanding, it comes across a lot better, and does wonders!
Also, I've seen couples create a chore cookie jar, where they put in slips of papers of things that need to be done, and each pulls something out and does it. This keeps it fair if you both hate doing something.
Good luck!
2006-10-25 08:39:25 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋