If a husband is addicted to being online all the time even though he knows it bothers you how long do you give him to change the behavior before you walk away from the relationship. You feel he is using the computer for sex to avoid being intimate with you and to have anonymous communications with other women after he has cheated on you before. Is this a hopeless situation?
2006-10-25 05:05:43 · 37 answers · asked by loqueen 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Children don't like being given time limits. Grownups, with all the added freedoms and choices/decisions to make, hate time limits even more. You've seen people get mad at the bank or at grocery stores because they have to stand in line for 10 minutes, right?
My point? Giving him time limits, of any sort, won't work. If you think children are rebellious about it, multiply that by a thousand and you'll have the grown up version of a tantrum, only you won't have a crying, screaming spouse, you'll have a passive aggressive 'roommate.'
He's cheated on you before and you stuck by him? Aside from anything else that might have gone on that you didn't share, it seems you went above and beyond what's expected of a spouse. He should be reciprocating by doing whatever he can to ensure that you feel like you WANT to stay.
Counselling might help. Addictions are incredibly difficult to break and a third party might have better success here.
2006-10-25 06:44:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can tell you this is quite common nowadays. The computer keeps a person from having to reveal their real selves. They can say and do anything. Then if they make a connection they risk regection and make contact.
My 40 yr old brother was doing this and meeting women online and then meeting up with them (we think for sex). He is going through the midlife crisis thing and was looking for excitement.
His wife found out and gave him the untimatim. I am not sure that worked but what I think really worked was one of his meet ups turned out bad. He was driving hundreds of miles looking for the gals he was talking to online and I think he found one that was a little scary (mentally, physically, or not as stated). He seemed to have stopped. Now to get the rush he is spending money like it is water buying every toy he can.
Once these addictions start they are hard to stop. The person needs mental help, therapist or psycologist. They are getting more training to help these types of addictions. It is not an easy one to cure (alcoholism is easier that this) but it can help. You can nag and push and he will still secretly do his thing. It is the rush of newness and being able to be something he is not in real life. Everyone online embellishes their personalities, bodies, and what they are like even to the point of lying. Like I am a doctor, I am rich, I am 6'3" and work out every day. You know the lines.
Taking these fantasies one step further is scary. If you meet a person online you dont really know what you are getting, what their past is, what baggage they carry, and how they will treat you. They could be a serial killer, rapist, child molester, con-man or just a cronic fibber or a thief. What a deadly game to play?
I say talk to him and ask that he get counseling for the problem. Give him a due date to get help. Tell him he can not miss an appointment. If he does not go or breaks his promise to you Leave him. He will not change and you are just wasting your life with this man. Leave him to his fantasy's. Good Luck.
2006-10-25 05:20:32 · answer #2 · answered by Nevada Pokerqueen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
burn that damn computer or if you already have talk to him about this and he knows that you don't like it then i wouldn't give him another chance. obviously he's into the computer and whatever he's doing in there more then into you. i know that it hurts because he's not giving you the time that you need and that he should be giving you. if you feel that it's hopeless and that he's not going to change then leave him before he hurts you even more. maybe he doesn't love you enough to let go of that damn computer and it's time for you to move on to something better. I've always said that if you are in a relationship that doesn't fill your every needs then move on to find the one that does. you deserve the best and i know it's going to be hard but if you are unhappy then what are you waiting for look for your happiness and you'll find someone that is going to give you the respect that you deserve and is going to truly love you. only you can make this decision and what ever it is i hope it's the right for you. good luck.
2006-10-25 05:17:58 · answer #3 · answered by bluemoon 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this man has cheated on you before and now prefers on-line contact over physical contact, leave. What are you getting out of this relationship? Did he use the Internet this much before you got married, or is this a new behavior? I would really sit down and take a look at the cause of him using the Internet to communicate with women. He obviously does not respect you or your relationship if he can not back off the Internet after you explained your feelings to him.
2006-10-25 05:13:18 · answer #4 · answered by Elissa R 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes i fear it is hopeless . I had a b/f that was like that . i had to go for my own sanity and you know that was the best thing I ever did . ended up meeting a new guy and now i am married to him. Ask him something ? ask him why he goes on line and if he is talking to other women ask him why and if he says oh they're just friends no they are potential g/f. If he has cheated on you before then he will do it again hence the saying once a cheater always a cheater is so true. Do not put up with his crap . Go away and stay away from him get yourself a divorce and live life to the fullest you do not need it. Good luck and god bless.
2006-10-25 05:12:11 · answer #5 · answered by Kate T. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to be open and direct. Don't snoop around looking for things on the computer that you know will hurt you. Sit him down and find out what's bothering HIM. Be calm, rational and try not to get defensive. There is definitely a reason he is seeking intimacy and communication elsewhere so allow him to open up to you and tell you what that is. If he really cares about you and realizes that his marraige is in jeapordy, he will immediately refrain from internet use and online sex. If it continues and you are determined to save the marriage, seek outside counseling. Should his behavior continue, pack up and ship out. Make it a clean break.
2006-10-25 06:13:40 · answer #6 · answered by Petra 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its nearing hopeless. I'm assuming you've spoken with since you said "he knows it bothers you". And you're not just dropping hints or something - because guys miss that all the time.
If you've been open and direct, then he needs to see the depth of the problem. If he is an addict, it could be a difficult for him to deal with the separation, but remember that addicts have to want to change. If he doesn't want to, then it may be time for desperate actions.
As for a time frame - what's wrong with right away?
2006-10-25 05:06:57 · answer #7 · answered by jwb674 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would sit and have a serious talk with him and tell him you are thinking of leaving. If he continues to be addicted then in a way he is cheating. Its hard to do but you have to stand up for yourself and show him that he cant keep avoiding you. Pack a bag and go away for a few days and let him think you are leaving. See if he begs for you to come home. If he doesn't he is not good enough for you. You deserve a man who pays full attention to you. There is the one out there. It is hard. I had to leave my husband because he cheated. just don't disrespect yourself by staying with a man who doesn't deserve you.
2006-10-25 05:13:22 · answer #8 · answered by Teri M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being on the computer isn't necessarily a bad thing unless YOU aren't comfortable with it. You don't need anyone else to tell you what you need out of a relationship. If you're not getting what you want then tell him, give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't change then he either doesn't care enough or can't. You decide what you can tolerate. If it's not good enough for you then move onto something better. You deserve to give yourself that much.
2006-10-25 05:12:10 · answer #9 · answered by rowster 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to say, but it sound like it is. If he is communicating with other women in an inappropriate manner, he is cheating on you. The fact that it may not be physical is irrelevant. As your spouse, his sexual and emotional attention belongs to you only. His past cheating continues today, but now he has moved on to virtual cheating rather than physical cheating. It is time to have a long talk with him, and get some counseling. If you do not see a change, you will have to leave.
2006-10-25 05:09:21 · answer #10 · answered by Bill 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋