My wife likes to hurl accusations at me and labels. She lives to call me a label anytime I do anything she doesnt like. If I want peace and quiet cause I am angry and need time to recoup, I am passive aggressive. If I ask a question about what she may have done, I am a jealous control freak. If I make a comment about one of her friends, I hate all her friends. etc...
The problem is she is extremely neurotic. Manipulative mostly but also controlling. How do I deal with this type of behaviour? I dont want to resort to calling her out with a tit for tat strategy.
Everything is fine in our marriage as long as I am doing the things she wants when she wants, other then that I have to listen to her badger me in order to motivate me or to knock me down a peg.
2006-10-25 04:57:37 · 24 answers · asked by lightlytread 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I agree with what draws_wit said.
And your story sounds exactly like me in my relationship with my SO. Your wife sounds like my partner and I only realized his manipulative behavior recently. If I don't say anything after a long spiel by him then I'm being passive aggressive. If I say that his "friends" are silly, immature, etc. then I'm the one who is jealous that he has that many friends and I don't. If I call him at 2am because he's still not home from hanging out with friends then I'm a control freak. If I'm the one who wants us to go to a relationship counselor to help our problems then I must be the one with the problem, not him. See where I'm going here??? When you feel just a bit degraded, can't seem to measure up to their level then THEY are the one with the problem and THEY are the ones being controlling and manipulative. Perhaps you (and I) are part of the problem, but don't blame yourself for being the problem. I walk on eggshells and do what he says otherwise I find myself in an argument with him or feeling bad for myself and become full of self doubt.
If your wife doesn't want to go to counseling try to go for yourself and see if someone else can determine that she is the one with the problem. At least you recognize there is a problem here and are seeking help. But I will tell you that what you have isn't a healthy relationship, just like the one I'm in. I have 2.5 (one on the way) kids so I can't just pick up and leave....just yet. Just try to work out your problems professionally and then make the determination yourself on what you should do for the long term. Ultimately it's you who will suffer from her controlling manipulative ways. Good luck!
2006-10-25 05:21:24 · answer #1 · answered by october g 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When she gets like this, wrap your arms around her and hold her close. Tell her she must have really bad judgement in men, if she chooses to be married to a jealous, passive aggressive, control freak. Keep holding her and ask her what's really upsetting her. Ask her how she would feel if she were you, and you were constantly criticizing her and taking her inventory? Then ask her what she hopes to accomplish by doing that. Ask her is she would be happier without you in her life.
Seek to understand her before expecting to be understood. Ask her open-ended questions, don't make any statements or explain yourself. Find out what this is really about. To me, it sounds like displaced anxiety. She probably doesn't even realize she is doing anything wrong. She probably doesn't realize that she's not really fun to be around. She doesn't realize that a wife is supposed to be the best at treating her husband like a powerful, attractive, important man.
Maybe she is reacting to something you have done, or are doing. I am not making any accusations, but if you really want to understand what's going on, look for what ways you contribute to the problem, own them, and vow to do differently.
Maybe she is harboring some old baggage. Baggage contaminates relationships.
No two people think exactly alike, and we all have our own perceptions. It is a mistake to assume that because she perceives something a certain way, that your intent was for her to cause her to think that. Perception does not equal intent. That's where empathy is so valuable. Show her some empathy.
If you change your own behavior, she will react differently to you. I agree, "tit for tat" is not an effective way of coping. Empathy is.
Start asking her more questions, but hold her when you do. The embrace conveys love and acceptance, which diffuses some of her fear and doubt, and will make her feel less attacked.
Ask her what's really bothering her, ask her if you are really such a bad guy, and ask her what it would take for her to love and accept you, and to tell you when she is upset (and why).
This is all so fixable. You two just have to learn to speak the same language, but realize that you think as two individuals.
2006-10-25 05:20:43 · answer #2 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Often times when a person does as you say your wife is doing then it maybe that there is something going on with her that she may be hiding. It seems like she is the one in control at the moment. All I can suggest is that you talk to your wife and ask her what it is that would lead her to believe what she's been accusing you of being and doing. Suggest counseling for the both of you and if she refuses then maybe you should consider going alone. Sounds like she may have a lot of unresolved insecurities in her life. Either way, I wish you the best and hope you can come to a mutual resolution.
2006-10-25 05:03:37 · answer #3 · answered by Tanya 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It could be effective to put how you feel into writing, so that she CANNOT flip your words around. It sounds like she has MANY issues if she is behaving that way and personally I'd find it so annoying that I wouldn't want to live with that. She does it out of insecurity within herself... just so you can understand where it comes from. I don't know how you guys can address that issue, but maybe it will ease your mind a bit that it has little to do with you and what you say, since it seems that you can't ever win.
Write something that is well thought out and not emotional. Don't call her any names, but just state some examples of her behavior and say how it makes you feel or what impressions she gives off when she is like that. Don't say things like neurotic, crazy, manipulative... but instead say things like, over reactive, accusatory, extreme, she has harsh penalties for you. Say you'd like to work something out to creative a more peaceful and calm environment because you feel that you are under attack from her regularly and you feel that she doesn't mean to be that way, but that maybe there are some insecurities, but reassure her that she should not feel insecure because you love her and want to be with her and work out these issues so you can stay together happily for a long time.
2006-10-25 05:03:46 · answer #4 · answered by Stephanie S 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your wife just needs to calm down a bit. You sound like a nice and rational man to me. Perhaps she has a lot of stress that she isn't sharing with you and her real issues are not related to you at all. I would just sit her down and calmly tell her what you have told us and ask for her to simply listen (WITHOUT INTERRUPTION) until you're through. Then maybe she will actually hear what you are saying and will be more patient and affectionate with you. THEN...give her MUCH love and affection....in ALL areas. Make her smile for a long while!!!
2006-10-25 05:04:30 · answer #5 · answered by mychemicalromancelover 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Both need counseling.... She needs to step down a notch because she is not perfect. You need to learn how to defend yourself and not give in so easily with her... She needs to know that no man is perfect, that you are a loving husband and that if she doesn't like how you are and doesn't want to accept how you are, that she may find out what she has lost when you leave her...
Some people only learn to appreciate what they had when they have lost it...
Take a small vacation WITHOUT HER AROUND so you can find yourself again and to give her time to appreciate you again...
2006-10-25 05:04:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly?
Your wife needs professional help. Go with her to a counselor. If she refuses, tell her that you will not tolerate her constant picking, manipulating and controlling manner. When she denies it all, be ready with your list of behaviors. You need to stand up for yourself. You have been letting her get away with too much and it will only get worse.
Good Luck
2006-10-25 05:03:25 · answer #7 · answered by draws_with_crayons 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't "handle this"...you dump her for a partner, and a real woman. I suppose you had 1 mother in your life? Do you need ANOTHER??!!
Leave her...simple as that...and be HAPPY for a change.
Look back in your life...when you were happy...was it with this person?
She doesn't deserve ANY man, and she's letting YOU know that by bagging on you, and now it's time to stand up and say...goodbye!
I suggest packing up during a work-week, and simple be gine one day when she's home. Do NOT let her know what you are planning. Let her know AFTER you gone, like a call from a cell, just after you finished packing, to tell her you won't be coming home...
2006-10-25 05:05:40 · answer #8 · answered by LovePinkPuffies 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like she owns you. You need to buck the bronco and make sure she knows how you feel. I would not be doing a darn thing. Life is not all good when you look at your situation. As long as she is happy your marriage works. Sounds like a lot of one sided love to me. Are you Happy?? Do you like having a owner and a babysitter?? I would run the other way if I were you. There is more to life than that. Make yourself happy!!
2006-10-25 05:02:29 · answer #9 · answered by Niecy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why did yuou marry her? You can't say that everything is fine as long as you submit to her controlling ways. That is like saying everything is fine when swimming with a sharks as long as you let them eat you.
Get some self respect and stand up for yourself. If she does not improve then you need to move on to someone else.
2006-10-25 05:01:48 · answer #10 · answered by Senor Pig 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋